I've always been a big fan of the mid-90's action shows "Hercules: the Legendary Journeys" and "Xena, Warrior Princess". They showed me a fantasy version of ancient Greece that never failed to entertain with the action pieces, tongue-in-cheek comedy, and light sexual references. It's what got me to stick around for later shows produced by Renaissance Pictures and directed by Sam Raimi, "Jack Of All Trades" and "Cleopatra 2525". The latter will come into play in this review of the direct-to-DVD movie Bitch Slap, particularly in the movie's overt use of characterization from "Cleopatra 2525".
The TV show I'm referencing is about the titular Cleopatra, a dim-bulb stripper who went in to get a boob job in 1996 AD and did not wake up from the anesthesia. She was frozen until medical science could find a way to revive her. She was eventually revived in 2525 AD by Hel (a smart, ball-busting female guerilla commander) and Sarge (her ambiguously butch second-in-command.) They team up and fight against CG robot monsters and squeeze in as much T&A as possible. The movie Bitch Slap borrows quite a few of these elements.
The story is non-linear, and jump-cuts further and further back into the past to justify what is happening in the present. What is clear is the three main characters follow the old bar joke (blonde, brunette, redhead) and are female, homosexual, and wear push-up bras. They are Hel (Erin Cummings) the smart ball-busting businesswoman, Camero (America Olivo) the butch lesbian ex-con, and Trixie (Julia Voth) the dim-bulb stripper. They are in the desert searching for the MacGuffin, but keep getting side tracked by random camera passes over their boobs and asses. The impromptu water fight IN THE DESERT was a notable scene that did not have to happen, but went so far as to show how far this T&A show was willing to go. The madness did not stop there.
In between the jump cuts to the past, they decided to include every type of double-cross ever written into this single movie. An attempt of respectability was attempted by involving Zoe Bell as stunt coordinator, but that was hardly helpful as the fight scenes lacked oomph and dragged on for minutes without upping the stakes. The dialogue was god-awful (perhaps on purpose), and they tried to make their movie deep by including quotes from Sun Tzu. It got so bad, that they even ripped off The Usual Suspects to end their movie. If you think that was a spoiler, don't bother watching this movie. You will be disappointed.
I think this movie was supposed to be as offensive as possible, with no confusion. Indeed it is, but not for the reasons one might think: I picked up this movie expecting to see more of the cast from Renaissance Pictures. We saw enough Michael Hurst, but only a few scenes with Kevin Sorbo and one scene with both Lucy Lawless and Renee O'Connor. If you can imagine, that's the only reason why I picked up the DVD in the first place. Not the stretched fabric against equally taut skin over firm flesh on the lead actresses and not the repeated lesbian sex scenes. With this movie, Bitch Slap will be the second movie with a prominent lesbian scene I have watched in the past seven days. I do not find these movies, folks; they find me.
CHOICE CUTS:
- The principals from the Renaissance Pictures shows of Hercules and Xena are here! Lucy Lawless (Xena) and Renee O'Connor (Gabrielle) both play nuns in a convent, Michael Hurst (Iolaus) plays a bad guy, and Kevin Sorbo (Hercules) plays a not-so-bad guy.
- The cursing. I like a good curse word like anyone else, but one must know how to curse before committing it to paper or celluloid. Plentiful, but otherwise poor in quality.
- It occured to me as I was writing this review if this film wasn't a way of commenting on the Zak Snyder film SuckerPunch...
PRICELESS QUOTES:
"I'm so weak and vulnerable!"
-Trixie, telling Camero why she won't fight. This is an actual line.
"Lube my boob skank twat."
-Camero, while beating an opponent to a bloody pulp. This is an actual line.
"We're all just bitches in the end."
-Pinky, the main villain of the movie. Also an actual line.
The box claims that this was an attempt to make a better B-movie. Whoever wrote that line needs to be shot, but not before actually watching a B-movie. This movie has only one real note, and it is of a state where so much was put toward looking awesome, that the end result is boring: "mundanely visceral."
RATING: 1/10
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