Cordoba Chronicles IV - Prologue

The blue standard of the Academy flew high in the sky, with white paint tracing the concentric shapes of a triangle in a circle in a diamond. The city name trailed after the geometric seal, but not much paid attention to the city’s name. The focus rested on the fact that the building that the pennants decorated was Academy Headquarters.

Ages old and home to as many books as mages, the Academy Headquarters was a fortress in the old days—during the Trials of Fire. When the young nations of Cordoba burned themselves in the flames of war, the Academy Headquarters went unscathed due to its neutral stance. The knowledge retained by the scholars in its walls remained safe for future generations that quested for the truth. Of the successive generations, a single student stood out from the rest.

Archmage Friday, unchanged by over 600 years of teaching and learning, looked over the crowd seated on the east lawn for the 937th Graduation Ceremony. Families from all over the Kinjeti continent and some from the north and south Cordobas sat in folding chairs placed on the lawn. The students sat behind the podium; able to hear the speech and see their supporters cheer them on. Today is a great day for all the students, Friday thought. They have struggled with so much in their short lives yet so much lies ahead. Her deep brown eyes looked over the restless crowd and she began her address to the Graduating Class of 7782.

“Good afternoon. Today crowns many years of endeavor for most of our graduates. Some years hence, in the prime of your chosen calling, you’ll look back on these years spent here at the Academy fondly. You’ll look back on these days as the most challenging of your young lives, for these are the days that prepared you for your profession and much is expected of you.

“Many of you believe that I speak of magic of physical mechanics. Others think I speak of spiritual concerns, yet I do not. What I speak of is the true nature of our profession: the service of both man and beast…”

“’The service of man’”. That statement bounced around in Lessorah’s head, causing her to think back on her days studying elemental magic at the Academy. When she did, she had to struggle not to act out. The young woman’s defense mechanisms set in and she pushed her troubles away, saying aloud, “I serve no man.”

“What’d you say?” came the voice next to her.

Lessorah turned to look at Mixy, her roommate the past few years at the Academy. She had dark curly hair that spilled down her robed shoulders and soft brown eyes behind small spectacles. Her facial expression was one of concern, as it had been since she became roommates with her. Things like that made Lessorah appreciate having a friend like Mixy. Such a dear girl, Lessorah thought. Even when I was mean to her, she was always there for me.

“What? Oh, I said, ‘ I need a fan,’” Lessorah answered. “It’s hot as Natrius under this robe."

“Yeah. You said it.” Mixy pulled her collar away. “But you should be alright, because you don’t have big hair heating up your head."

“You must’ve known before hand that today would be hot like this,” Mixy joked and said with astonishment. “So THAT’S why you cut your hair off…"

Lessorah put a hand to the back of her bare neck where her long black hair once sat and smiled a bit. The short haircut was a big departure from the long hair she had in her younger years. She was glad to be rid of the weight off her shoulders.

“By Toren, you’ve come so far. I remember when you never smiled,” Mixy said with a tinge of sadness. “It’s been a pleasure—a joy—living and working next to you, Lessorah. You’ve made me see another side of my profession as a healer."

The healer took the hand of the elementalist and said, “I treasure you as a friend and we’ll be friends forever. Alright?”

Tears filled Lessorah’s eyes as she heard someone she grew to love proclaim her feelings. She gripped Mixy’s hand and said, “Yes, always. We have to keep in touch. Where are you going after this?"

Mixy smiled and said, “I’m going to Sumptor.”

Lessorah’s heart sank but she kept her face. She hoped Mixy had another answer than the one she imagined when she asked, “Sumptor? Why would you go there?”

“Oh. Doyle wants to move there He says if he’s going to be a ‘lawful’ citizen, he wants to start anew in a different place.”

“Doyle?” Lessorah said. “Mixy, he’s bad news.”

Mixy looked at Lessorah and said, “C’mon, Lessorah. He is a changed man; he has been since I found him. He loves me. I know it in my heart.”

Maybe if she vomited now, she could blame it on a nervous stomach. For all that the two roommates have been through, Mixy still doesn’t understand the lessons learned. Lessorah loved her roommate, but she could behave like an idiot sometimes.

“The guy used to be a thief. How do you know he’s not lying to you?”

The sadness on Mixy’s face was there when she said, “Lessorah, I know what you’ve been thought. I was there with you every step. Don’t let that moment be the defining moment in your life. If you do, the hate and anger will eat you from the inside. I understand that because of your experience, you’ll always be wary of people, but I can’t live that way.

“Toren knows what happened to you wasn’t his decree nor that of his Master. I have faith in Toren’s will and—oh wait, I think we’re supposed to stand…”

Looking around as they stood on their cascaded benches, the crowd was open to their eyes. Lessorah scanned the crowd for other people she knew, but didn’t see any. Mixy tugged on the elementalist’s shoulder and said, “Look, There’s Doyle!”

On the far left of the crowd below, midway from the stage and the back row, sat Doyle. Dressed in his usual rogueish attire and that nasty poncho of his, the swarthy thief watched the proceedings with intense gray-green eyes. When his eyes spied Mixy and Lessorah, he waved with his right hand and ran his left hand through his coifed, sun-kissed hair. A sleazy smirk spread across his face when Mixy smiled from ear to ear in response to the wave.

“I didn’t think he was going to come!” Lessorah said nothing as Archmage Friday finished her speech.

“And so, I give with great pleasure the 937th Graduating Class of the Academy in this Axian year of 7782!” The ancient at heart archmage turned to the graduates and yelled aloud, like a child, “DO IT!”

All the graduates raised their hands to the sky. Those that could use magic fired several bursts of magic, each a different color. The resultant firestorm danced over the crowd and up into the sky over Academy Headquarters. With her hands raised, Mixy looked over to Lessorah as she fired into the sky. Lessorah’s face was intensely concentrated on her burst of magic power. Suddenly, her left hand was jerked down and her right spit forth a brighter light. Lessorah looked to her left and saw Mixy holding her hand. The healer’s smiling face competed with the halo dancing about the edge of her hair. Lessorah smiled right back as she saw her own hand joined with Mixy’s They both looked at each other and shouted the oath that made them full-fledged graduates along with the other 298 graduates:

“LONG LIVE THE ACADEMY!"

..........

“I don’t understand.”

Lessorah knew full well what was about to happen when she asked why Mixy was leaving. When she got her answer, she had to hear it again, just to be sure.

“Well,” Mixy started, “You know Doyle and I have been seeing each other since the Grand Library incident.” To drive the point home, the healer got closer to the previously mentioned Doyle. He held her close in return. “I really love him.”

“Yeah, so I keep hearing.” Lessorah looked at Doyle and said, “Do you love her?” 

“Of course I do.” Doyle kissed the top of Mixy’s head and said, “She saved my bacon and I owe her a lot.”

Lessorah already saw that every word out of this “former” thief’s mouth was a lie. What she couldn’t see is why Mixy wanted to leave with this trash in the first place.

“You loved him from a distance once,” Lessorah tried, “so what’s so different now that you have to go and live with him?”

A heavy sigh escaped Mixy’s lips. “Because Doyle asked me to marry him.”

Lessorah had to believe her ears this time, the exact time that she couldn’t hold her tongue. “WHAT?!” the elementalist shouted in the wide hallway leading to the courtyard and the underground catacombs. “You’re going to marry this piece of trash?”

Doyle spoke up, “Now listen here, you—"

“SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE, PRETTY BOY! I’M NOT ADDRESSING YOU!"

“WHY DON’T YOU MAKE ME” the former thief shouted back in a grievous error, “BITCH?!”
A bright orange aura enveloped Lessorah and she took aim at Doyle, thinking to pop his head like a grape. Mixy stood in her sights and shouted “NO!"

Lessorah recoiled at the thought of eradicating one of the people who saw her through the dark times and canceled her spell. “Fine,” the angry elementalist said. “I’ll just… I’ll oppose your wedding! I’ll stop it—"

With a triumphant laugh, Doyle said, “We’ve already married. We didn’t invite you because we KNEW you’d ruin it.”

Lessorah was on the edge of tears upon hearing this. She tried to see the bright side of not being invited…to her best friend’s wedding. In retrospect, she had all that time to study…

“’We’?” Mixy said. “It was your idea to not invite her to the wedding, Doyle!”

“Hmf! I only made that decision based on what you told me."

That statement put an end to any positive thoughts in Lessorah’s head. She felt violated that her closest friend would discuss her personal problems with this insensate boob. Lessorah struggled to find the words and rasped, “How could you? How could you…”

“Honey…” Mixy moved closer to Lessorah with her arms open, saying, “Don’t worry…it’s okay. It’s just--"

“NO!” Lessorah turned and ran off into the catacomb tunnels adjoining. Mixy became worried and said to Doyle, "C’mon and help me find Lessorah before she does something drastic.”

With a disinterested “Fine”, the tanned thief followed Mixy into the catacombs. The winding tunnels beneath Academy Headquarters were more than intimidating, but the recently married couple walked the junctions shouting the elementalist’s name.

“Lessorah!” Mixy cried. “I’m sorry! Please forgive Doyle and I! He is sorry as well!”

“Wha-OOF!” Mixy elbowed him in the ribs and her expression told Doyle exactly what he should say. “Yeah, Lessorah. I’m sorry. Please come back!”

The sound of Lessorah’s name bounced off the walls of the catacombs in a wave of echoes upon echoes until it became an indecipherable shout. Lessorah was still able to hear her name being called, for the person she heard was not inside the tunnels.

“Lessorah,” the voice called. “Lessorah. Lessorah.”

No matter who calls, Lessorah thought as she covered her ears, leave me be.

“Surely ye canst giveth an audience to thine Benefactor.” 

Lessorah sat up in her hiding place and paid attention. Here was the second one responsible for saving her from the void. This being was her Benefactor, and she dare not show disrespect.

“Much better,” the Benefactor said.

“What would you have?” Lessorah asked aloud.

“Tell me why thou weep on an auspicious day such as this.” 

“I am deserted,” Lessorah sobbed quietly, “and betrayed.”

“Ye speak of the healer.”

“Yes, my Benefactor. She has joined with that foul male in a union blessed by Toren and Hamar.”

“Continue...”

“Aye, my Benefactor.” Lessorah wiped her tears on her sleeve and continued. “He dared to…to disregard my worth and take my friend away…”

The voice asked, “Of whom doth ye speaketh?”

“Huh?” Lessorah asked, quite confused.

“When thou speakest of friends, ye mean yon healer. 'Twere yon healer truly a friend, she would not hath betrayed nor abandoned ye. She—the healer—is NOT your friend.” 

“But—“

“She hath forsken you,” the voice of the Benefactor explained to effect, “for a man.”
 

It was that last line that broke Lessorah and set her on the teeth of madness.  How could she? Why would she? It didn’t make sense with the things that Mixy knew, so what possessed her to do this? 

“Thou art angry and fearful of this world, Lessorah.” The elementalist grimaced and hung her head, saying, "Yes..."

“Nay,” the Benefactor countered. “Thou were. I watched thee when ye was weakest. 'Tis I who brought thee from the edge of yon void to serve at my side. At my side, ye have grown strong. Fear not. And save thy energy for the task at hand.”

The echoes in the catacomb tunnels stopped, and Lessorah was relieved. She smiled and wiped away more tears on her sleeve, revealing the scars on her wrist and down her forearm. “What do you command of me?”

“I command thee to be the instrument of thine own revenge. Those that harm what is dear to me shalt surely suffer at thine hands. I grant thee power.”

The smile on Lessorah’s face got wider and she said, “Thank you, my Benefactor.” The woman emerged from her dark hiding place and walked out of the catacombs. Mixy and Doyle had left long ago, and the tunnels were empty. Lessorah spoke to herself as she approached the tunnel mouth that fed into the courtyard, a confident and happy smile on her lips. The look in her eyes revealed her true intention.

“Revenge. I shall have my revenge. So says the Benefactor.” Lessorah then added, “And so say I.”

CONTINUED IN CHAPTER 1

Video Game Review - Crimson Tears (2004 - Sony Playstation2)

I am a big fan of the stuff that CAPCOM puts out. They have captured my attention since the days of Mega Man and Street Fighter 2010. I love their ideas and while I know that they only tolerate new ideas from the general poulace when making a new Robot Master, I'd still like to give them an idea or two. Here's my idea: make an action game in the vein of SEGA's Phantasy Star Online, but without the online part or the create-a-character part. It'd generally be a dungeon crawl, but without the crappiness of PK or online fees! It'd be brilliant!

Oh wait, they did that already? Crimson Tears? Never heard of it. Got to play it, and here's the review.

Set in futuristic cyberpunk Tokyo, three battle androids have escaped from a high-security facility because they stumbled on to some strange plot concocted by the evil corporation called ARMA. ARMA makes bio-weapons for the military, but something is amiss. The three rogue androids are out to put a stop to it, but they need to be stronget to do so. They set up camp in the city and traverse many levels to fight insane bosses to free not only themselves, but the entire city.

The three previously mentioned androids are Amber the ninja, Kaede the heavy blader (called Kadie in the American release) and Tokio the gun master. Amber has dual melee weapon skills with swords and knives, but has poor hand-to-hand skills. Tokio can only use a few melee weapons, but he can use two guns at once a la Chow Yun-Fat. Despite Kadie's petite frame, she's the only one who can wield a buster sword. Their weapons, skills and combos can be upgraded to higher and higher levels and, in the case of weaponry, imbued with status effects or elemental effects. All of this is great and everything, but to give you just that would make the game far too easy to play. That's why the game designers decided to introduce the Heat Gauge.
The Heat Gauge measures how hot your android gets as it progresses through the game. When the gauge reaches maximum, the screen turns red and several things happen to your android. Your android can do max damage with every strike and runs twice as fast. While suffering from the status of being overheated (much different from the status effect "Overheat", which can be cured with "Overheat Cure" but not with "Coolant", which lowers your Heat Gauge and stops overheating), you take twice as much damege and your energy dwindles down to very little. If you're not careful, overheating can kill you. if you happen to survive a bout of overheating, your Heat Gauge will reste, but your HP meter will dwindle to 10% of max. It can be a bitch to keep your Heat Gauge down and your HP up and STILL have enough to deal with the enemies throughout the stages.

The enemies are where Crimson Tears really shines for me. I never thought that I would play a game where I'd fight not just ninjas and zombies, but zombie ninjas on top of that (Alas, no pirates, zombie ninja pirates, or permutations thereof.) Additionally, the enemies also level up along with you as the levels progress and eventually begin to use the same weapons you do. So, that scrubby soldier or robot you fought on stage 1 will be waiting for you on stage 4 and it'll have the strength to exact payback. And if you think that's tough, wait until you fight the Agent Smith-like "techno vampires" and the infamous "Mr. Black".
Bosses are strange and varied, and that's a good thing. From liquid ninjas to time-warping grim reapers, to the prerequisite evil characters with Biblical names [ex.: Abel and Eden] that are so common in Japanese sci-fi action, they all rock. That and they'll also mop the floor with you.

While quite entertaining when the enemy gets the drop on you, to the chore of getting every last item needed to create your ultimate weapon, Crimson Tears is not a game for the Madden and NBA Street set. Oddly, it CAN work for the Tekken set. Button-typing combos abound from this game, totally unrelated to the Konami game Crimson Sea or the Cliffhanger Comics title Crimson, but indirectly related to both Phantasy Star Online and the Ehrgeiz minigame "The Forsaken Dungeon." Crimson Tears, the best dungeon crawler to come out since Dungeon Siege, gets a ReViews Rating of 8.

RATING: 8/10

Movie Review - Bitch Slap *UNRATED* (2010)

I've always been a big fan of the mid-90's action shows "Hercules: the Legendary Journeys" and "Xena, Warrior Princess".  They showed me a fantasy version of ancient Greece that never failed to entertain with the action pieces, tongue-in-cheek comedy, and light sexual references.  It's what got me to stick around for later shows produced by Renaissance Pictures and directed by Sam Raimi, "Jack Of All Trades" and "Cleopatra 2525".  The latter will come into play in this review of the direct-to-DVD movie Bitch Slap, particularly in the movie's overt use of characterization from "Cleopatra 2525".

The TV show I'm referencing is about the titular Cleopatra, a dim-bulb stripper who went in to get a boob job in 1996 AD and did not wake up from the anesthesia. She was frozen until medical science could find a way to revive her.  She was eventually revived in 2525 AD by Hel (a smart, ball-busting female guerilla commander) and Sarge (her ambiguously butch second-in-command.)  They team up and fight against CG robot monsters and squeeze in as much T&A as possible.  The movie Bitch Slap borrows quite a few of these elements.

The story is non-linear, and jump-cuts further and further back into the past to justify what is happening in the present.  What is clear is the three main characters follow the old bar joke (blonde, brunette, redhead) and are female, homosexual, and wear push-up bras.  They are Hel (Erin Cummings) the smart ball-busting businesswoman, Camero (America Olivo) the butch lesbian ex-con, and Trixie (Julia Voth) the dim-bulb stripper.  They are in the desert searching for the MacGuffin, but keep getting side tracked by random camera passes over their boobs and asses.  The impromptu water fight IN THE DESERT was a notable scene that did not have to happen, but went so far as to show how far this T&A show was willing to go.  The madness did not stop there.

In between the jump cuts to the past, they decided to include every type of double-cross ever written into this single movie.  An attempt of respectability was attempted by involving Zoe Bell as stunt coordinator, but that was hardly helpful as the fight scenes lacked oomph and dragged on for minutes without upping the stakes.  The dialogue was god-awful (perhaps on purpose), and they tried to make their movie deep by including quotes from Sun Tzu.  It got so bad, that they even ripped off The Usual Suspects to end their movie.  If you think that was a spoiler, don't bother watching this movie.  You will be disappointed. 

I think this movie was supposed to be as offensive as possible, with no confusion.  Indeed it is, but not for the reasons one might think: I picked up this movie expecting to see more of the cast from Renaissance Pictures.  We saw enough Michael Hurst, but only a few scenes with Kevin Sorbo and one scene with both Lucy Lawless and Renee O'Connor.  If you can imagine, that's the only reason why I picked up the DVD in the first place.  Not the stretched fabric against equally taut skin over firm flesh on the lead actresses and not the repeated lesbian sex scenes.  With this movie, Bitch Slap will be the second movie with a prominent lesbian scene I have watched in the past seven days.  I do not find these movies, folks; they find me.

CHOICE CUTS:

• The principals from the Renaissance Pictures shows of Hercules and Xena are here!  Lucy Lawless (Xena) and Renee O'Connor (Gabrielle) both play nuns in a convent, Michael Hurst (Iolaus) plays a bad guy, and Kevin Sorbo (Hercules) plays a not-so-bad guy.
• The cursing.  I like a good curse word like anyone else, but one must know how to curse before committing it to paper or celluloid.  Plentiful, but otherwise poor in quality.
• It occured to me as I was writing this review if this film wasn't a way of commenting on the Zak Snyder film SuckerPunch...

PRICELESS QUOTES:

"I'm so weak and vulnerable!"

-Trixie, telling Camero why she won't fight.  This is an actual line.

"Lube my boob skank twat."

-Camero, while beating an opponent to a bloody pulp.  This is an actual line.

"We're all just bitches in the end."

-Pinky, the main villain of the movie.  Also an actual line.

The box claims that this was an attempt to make a better B-movie.  Whoever wrote that line needs to be shot, but not before actually watching a B-movie.  This movie has only one real note, and it is of a state where so much was put toward looking awesome, that the end result is boring: "mundanely visceral." 

RATING: 1/10

Video Game Review - Shining Force II (1994 - Sega Genesis)

This is the one.

This is the one game that really got me to play an RPG. it reached me because of its ability to involve me in the worlds of the game. The storyline kicked ass as well as did the controls. The most important factor to playing this game and enjoying it had to be the easiest: the fact that no one else rented it at Blockbuster!

Back in the days when most Negroes wouldn't be caught dead with an RPG (for fear of being called [a] a nerd or, God forbid, [b] white) , I could always expect certain games to be checked out. Mortal Kombat, Street Fighter II: Championship Edition and X-Men were among that number and they never seemed to be in. Later I found out that broke-ass Negroes stole the games, yet the staff at my local Blockbuster would keep the box on the shelf. Doesn't make much sense, but what sense it does make outweighs the nonsense. In lieu of being up on the games that everyone would talk about in school later, I'd settle for some of the games that were always there.

Shining Force II was one of those games.

When I started playing, I had no real trouble getting into the game. I quickly adapted to the fact that I was stuck in a forest with an old hag who'd never let me escape unless she finished telling her story…
Said story is about a boy named Sue--or whatever you named him--and his school chums Chester the centaur, Sarah the elf and the mighty dwarven boy Jaha. Sent to assist your school teacher Sir Astral, you're pitted against the forces of the Demon World who wish to resurrect the King of Devils, Zeon. In their attempts, they've turned neighboring kingdoms against each other, possessed our king and run off with the princess Eliza (SAVE THE PRINCESS!) Further investigation reveals that such happenings didn't occur out of the blue; they were the work of the master thief Slade who stole the jewels of Good and Evil, the latter of which has bonded to the main character's neck. As more plot points develop, the amount of people who can join your crew becomes diverse and numerous. To illustrate this point, we'll compare four characters from the roster: Kazin, Peter, Claude and Zynk.

Kazin is the fourth member you recruit in your quest to save the world (man, I love saying that) after you've defeated the soldiers who have trashed his home and mortally wounded his mentor, Master Hawel. He's a versatile mage who can take care of business with his BLAZE spell. The BLAZE spell doesn't compare to the power of Volcanon (the creator of the game's world) or his assistant, Peter.
Peter joins the Shining Force crew to assist our hero with sonic screams and tornadoes from his rainbow-feathered wings. His special ability in the game is that he never needs to be resurrected by a priest--he IS a phoenix after all. While we're on the subject of mythical creatures, we must not forget golems, like party member Claude.
Saving Claude the golem from the nether dimension gets him on your party and he is the ultimate tanker. While not the same as a traditional golem, Zynk the metal golem is from the future. He has stretching arms and a laser cannon in his chest. This may be a fantasy world, but nothing has stopped time travelers from entering and helping out the good guys.

The controls are very simple and allow you to save without having to consult a priest (the save points in the game). This is an option offered during a battle scenario, and well-placed. Time and time again, I'll play this game from beginning to end to see if I can get all 30 characters and if I can stand playing against the final boss ONE MORE TIME. Why is the final boss someone to play again and again? Why, because it just defies all logic to fight this man while standing on his BREATH. That and the copious amounts of secrets. All in a day's work for those bent on saving the world.

Eventually, I had to give this cherished game of mine to someone I really liked.  I met her, we let each other know how we felt about each other, and I gave her my copy of Shining Force II to really let her know.  That may sound geeky, but she was a big fan of the game and she understood.  That's how much Shining Force II meant and still means to me everyday.  It has given me more memories and enjoyment that I can put in this post.

RATING: 10/10

Movie Review - Chloe (2010)

I saw the ads and trailers for the movie Chloe back in 2010 when I would see certain movies back in 2010.  It was marketed as a sleek thriller, with some sex in it.  It left so much to the imagination, but I thought it'd go the route of a racially homogenous version of the Beyonce vehicle Obsessed.  Now that I've seen in, I must say it is one hell of a movie, and is even more so if you've never seen anything about it.  This movie has highs and lows, and all of them are so low-key thanks to the acting abilities of the cast, consisting of two acting icons and one rising star in the shape of actress Amanda Seyfried, she recently of the Grimm Brothers' fairy tale movie adaptation of Red Riding Hood.

In the role of of our titular character, Chloe, Miss Seyfried plays a beautiful call girl who says she can be any man's fantasy: their secretary, their daughter, their seventh-grade teacher, and so on.  She is recruited for her skill set when she finds herself wrapped up in the inferiority complex of Dr. Catherine Stewart, OB/GYN (Julianne Moore).  Chloe is hired to tempt the doctor's husband, Mr. Stewart (Liam Neeson), a music professor.  The doctor is suspicious that her husband is cheating on her, and chooses to spy on him with a very talented liar.  The two develop a "business" relationship which is, to say the least, not the sole focus of the watching audience.  It builds to a climax and leaves quite a lingering that really makes you wonder about the nature of love and attraction.

My initial focus on the movie was to just see it and stop thinking I should see it.  As the movie went on, it afforded me several reasons why I need to see more movies with the actors involved.  I have all the reasons I need to see Mr. Neeson, so that's a given; Julianne Moore has made more movies that are so interesting, yet I have not seen due to budget constraints, like Blindness.  More to the point, I would like to see more of the otherworldly beauty of Miss Seyfried.  If you've ever looked at her, you know that Miss Seyfried does not look like an average person.  Something about her is very different.  Is it her operatic training, or her teen modeling experience? Probably not, but I can's imagine what else it could be that's gonna make me want to watch more of her movies.

Oh, I know why. She's hot.

CHOICE CUTS:

• Amanda Seyfried, the part where you can see the crazy, and Amanda Seyfried.  That is all.

The ups and downs, twists and turns of this film completely had me on the edge of my seat.  It made me want to know exactly how far the story would go.  With two actresses so easy on the eyes, it was a pleasure.

RATING: 8/10

Video Game Review - Rocket Knight Adventures (1993 - Sega Genesis)

I just happened to pick up this game at my local Blockbuster Video, during one of my many excursions to see if Mortal Kombat was in. Knowing full well that my mom would never let me go anywhere unless my
brother was with me, that he'd only want to rent Mortal Kombat and that Mortal  Kombat was never there because of thieving Negroes, I went and picked up that game. My bro's all like, "it's a kiddie game! Why're you picking it up? I'm not playing it." That's cool, man. You don't have to experience the queer little world of Rocket Knight Adventures.
In the role of Sparkster the possum Rocket Knight, you fight the pig-headed minions of the forces of evil to  SAVE THE PRINCESS with nothing more than your sword, your jetpack and sometimes your possum tail. There are many strange locales and events (the deep reaches of space and a Rock 'Em-Sock 'Em Robots-style mech duel stand out in my mind) that Sparkster will have to traverse in order  to SAVE THE PRINCESS from the clutches of evil. While simplistic in its story, the game more than makes up for it in its events.
Case in point: in the second level, you have just escaped the first and you land on an island in the middle of a pristine lake surrounded by verdant foothills and faded mountains. There's no music at all, just you and the reflective algorithim of the lake. Then you jump off to the right...and the jetpack explodes into a burst of speed, catapulting you across the lake at an amazing speed. You're speeding so fast and the magic of the music swallows you as you fly across the lake, fighting the bats in your way--with no way in hell to stop! That scenario alone captured my imagination like no other for many months, with the game MIDI swelling its electric orchestra as I skimmed the water to dive under and over the bats to continue my fight against the forces of evil to SAVE THE PRINCESS.
The game is awesome and if you can find it, take the time to beat this game. Expansive as it is for an action game, you'll need to keep on your toes to play on a static number of continues. Hell, every time you think you're done, you're not! It's a game like that which deserves a second look, provided they don't overdo it. Rocket Knight Adventures does not overdo it

RATING: 8/10

Movie Review - Hamlet 2 (2008)

So I just sat through a movie called Hamlet 2, whose main draw was to showcase its main character as a crazy man for sequelizing a work of William Shakespeare.  It put me through several emotions: sadness, satisfaction, anger, and happiness.  Not to mention the embarrassment for the city of Tucson, Arizona.

The film centers on the life of unpaid drama teacher Dana Marschz (Steve Coogan), who has big dreams of acting, but kinda sucks at it.  He is a drama teacher at West Mesa High School in the aforementioned Tucson, which has only 2 students: Epiphany (Phoebe Strole), a racist young woman, and Rand (Skylar Astin), a closeted young man.  The two acting students participate in Dana's plays, which are always stage adaptations of popular movies.  Unfortunately, these adaptations are very unpopular, particularly with the local theater critic--an 8-year-old who writes in the paper, Noah Sapperstein (Shea Pape).  So Dana's life continues to flounder, both professionally and personally with his wife Brie (Catherine Keener) and their roommate Gary (a wasted David Arquette).

When the other high school electives are cut due to budget problems, the drama class grows to a healthy size and introduces us to our other characters Ivonne (Melonie Diaz), Octavio a.k.a "Heywood Jablowmey" (Joseph Julian Soria), Vitamin J (Arnie Pantoja), Chuy (Michael Esparza) and the silent yet accident prone Yolanda (Natalie Amenula).  This leads to interesting adventures with a kaftan, and ultimately to experimenting with original work for a play.  The principal (Marshall Bell) still has to cut funding, and drama is next on the block.  Dana is pushed to create a new play, this time with the added utility of saving the drama program.  His original material: a sequel to William Shakespeare's Hamlet.  This proves problematic, as everyone in the Shakespearean play dies at the end.  Luckily, Dana has decided to dive into the fan-fiction writer's toolbox and is able to bring back all the principals using a time machine, a light-handed homage to Grease, and a modernized Jesus Christ (who is written in Dana's script as having a swimmer's bod.)

Due to some disagreements, the principal gets his hands on the script and objects to the sex, violence and general blasphemy in its pages.  Instead of firing Dana outright, he locks the gym--where the play was originally to take place, then threatens him like some right-wing nut.  With the principal's help, the city of Tucson gets involved and serves him with a cease and desist order, as well as informing the local churches of the play's content.  With all these stumbling blocks and then some, Dana still manages to have some help on his side: the ACLU sends Cricket Feldstein (an on-target Amy Poehler) to fight on behalf of Dana's 1st Amendment rights.  The kids won't give up, and with their energy, neither will Dana.  What ends up on stage is the most controversial, explosive, and silly sequel of anything ever made.

This movie made me feel uncomfortable at times, with the pain of Dana's life being put out on front street for our amusement.  It's some fucked up stuff, but it's supposed to make us laugh.  I just couldn't.  Not to say that the rest of the movie isn't funny, though.  There are good comedy moments, and some interesting commentary on race relations--very minute, but worth a look.  Of particular note is the introduction of a character who is playing a fictional version of herself: Elizabeth Shue.  She is a minor character who comes to some prominence at the end, and hers is a character that was a nice addition.

CHOICE CUTS:

• The kaftan scene.  I had to rewind to make sure I saw what was shown.
• Every time Yolanda got hurt: it's funny because you would hope she says something, but no...
• The pronunciation of Dana's last name throughout the film.
• Watch Amy Poehler's acting when she meets Dana--one minute it's "we'll help you fight this injustice", and the next it's "your play is irrelevant".

PRICELESS QUOTES:

"Chuy, you're going to have a magical life.  Because no matter where you go, it'll always be better than Tucson."

-Dana, to one of his students

"I have so much anger. I feel like I've been raped. In the face!"

-Dana, after reading a bad review of his stage adaptation of "Erin Brockovich"

"It's a slippery slope... beer, liquor, dope, coke, meth, chicks with dicks, then jail!"

-Dana, who has let us all know more than we needed to about his battle with alcohol.

This movie could have been funnier without all that other shit that made Dana a wackjob, and I would have loved to see more of the other students' lives like they did with Octavio.  At the same time, I'd seriously like to know what crawled up the writer's ass about Tucson.

RATING: 4/10

Video Game Review - Altered Beast (1989 - Sega Genesis)

When I first saw this game, I was not particularly impressed. I saw it in the arcade between a 4-player cabinet for Gauntlet and a cabinet for the original Golden Axe. THOSE were video games to me. Not some crap about how I beat up zombies and two-headed albino wolves. Anyway, the years passed on and I got a Sega Genesis. We didn't really have games for it (just Sonic the Hedgehog and Streets of Rage) so we'd hit the video store and rent stuff. I saw the cartridge for this game and I was like, "Hey I remember this." So I popped it in and set off to play Altered Beast, not knowing that a specific sound clip I heard would change my mind about this game.
The game starts off with 2 headstones of fallen Roman warriors. Then (I suppose) Zeus comes out and says in a booming voice:

RISE...FROM YOUR GRAVE...

Lightning strikes the tombstone and our hero has awkened! He heads off in an undecided direction to fight off the hordes of evil undead. The music helps greatly when doing so. Occasionally, a two-headed white wolf will come bounding by and, being the hero, you'll kill it because it is evil. When it dies, you get a power-up globe: grab it and our hero looks at the screen as his form becomes more muscular to Zeus' voice saying:

POWER UP!

Your hero can do more damage because the punches he throws now have an energy wave coming off them. Kill another white wolf and Zeus'll say "POWER UP!" again and watch your body become insanely muscular. The strange thing about this form is that it's the most powerful form in the game. You'll have one more powerup globe to grab before you change into your "ultimate" form. Do that, and the screen will be bathed in fire with our hero's face shown transforming into that of a wolf, complete with howling effect:

"ARROOOOOOOOOOO..."

The music now changes to meet your new powers as a bad-ass werewolf. Your hero can throw fireballs from his hands and move in a dash pattern to destroy the enemy. After a while, you'll bump into an old man in a purple robe whom you can't attack because of his lightning shield. This man is the antagonist. Further evidence is supplied when he's ready for you and alerts you to the fact with the phrase:

"WELCOME TO YOUR DOOOOOM!"

With a column of smoke, here begins our  boss fight. It's a big dude that throws lotsa heads at you and wants to kill you. Easily beaten, you think you can take the man in purple now.
He wouldn't be a proper antagonist unless he was more powerful than you,  so prior to leaving for the next stage, he strips our hero of his werewolfdom with a laugh:

"HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA"

The man in purple jumps in a portal in the ground and you follow him to...gee, I'm not sure why Zeus woke the hero from his grave...oh wait, here we go. 

Between stages to the tune of ominous harpsicord music, you learn that our hero's female relation has been kidnapped by Hades, the man in purple. I guess Hades is gonna do something nefarious, so hustle on and SAVE HER!

The second stage was an eye-opener to me as a young boy. The stage was some weird ass cave that had weird things in it. That wasn't the eye-opening part, though. I had grown up thinking that the only king of were-creature was a werewolf. Little did I know that when you grab 3 powerup globes, you transformed into a WEREDRAGON. This weredragon was modeled from Toho's King Ghidorah, due to his helix-shaped breath lazer and golden exterior(for 2P only). This weredragon also has an electrical shield that kills things inside its radius. Per the usual, here comes boss #2. Boss #2 is weird, because it's made out of eyes. Yes, eyes; stinging, crowding eyes that don't want to look at you anymore and would rather you dead. Hades strips you again, you follow him, and more of Hades' plans are revealed. This is how the game runs for the next 3 stages.
The game changes it up some more by letting our her transform into a werebear(!) on stage 3, with breath that turns the enemy to stone, and on stage 4 the hero turns into a weretiger. I forget what exactly the weretiger does, but I know that the weretiger is bad-ass.  Stage 5, the final stage, allows us to get at Hades personally and fight him as the Golden Werewolf, the most powerful form (yeah, right--the form pre-transformation is still stronger) in Altered Beast. You beat Hades, save the female relation, Zeus is happy. The end, and pretty much, GAME OVER.

The sound on this game is great for its time, but it's not on par with the music from Streets of Rage.  My mind still reels from the idea that there's more than just wolf lycanthropes, and thanks to Altered Beast, I can play D&D with a greater suspension of disbelief.

RATING: 7/10

[Special Note: Altered Beast has  been remade in 3-D for the PS2. All reviews point to it sucking horribly.]

Movie Review - 2 Fast 2 Furious (2002)

The thought to put this review up on my site occured to me today. I felt I should share the comedy I found in this movie. Anybody who has seen the predecessor of this movie, The Fast and The Furious (2001), can attest to the unintentional humor of Jordana Brewster's uni-brow. Before I begin talking about the humor of 2 Fast 2 Furious (we'll call it "2Fast" for short), I'll give you a hint to the joke as I summarize the movie. I'll call this summary:

"2 Fast 2 Furious"

OR

"MAN, WHEN I WAS IN PRISON..."

Our streetwise saga continues to follow the adventures of Brian (Paul Walker), former undercover cop. After losing his quarry for the sake of honor in The Fast and the Furious, he was relieved of duty. Now he street races to make ends meet in a sweet ass modified car that he crashes after being pursued by 5-0. The cops take him in and tell him that he's going to jail...IF he doesn't help his old cop buddies break up a druglord's business going on down in Miami AND to save an agent who may have crossed over. Because he's too pretty to be in prison, Brian agrees on one condition: he gets to choose his partner.
Brian chooses his old friend Roman (Tyrese), on house arrest from the last time he and Brian were together. Both of them had a criminal past as youngsters, yet Roman took the heat. He spent time in prison and still behaves as though he's still there. The two former friends settle their score and go off to do the deed in Miami, with Roman eating and reminiscing about prison every other sentence.
There they meet with a colorful cast of characters: Tej the race promoter(rapper Ludacris), his mechanic Jimmy (Ruff Ryder rapper Jin) and darling grrl racer Suki (supermodel Devon Aoki). These characters show off their cars are and how they live. They are sideline characters in a sideline story to the central conflict of drug running and the main antagonist, drug kingpin Carter Verone (Cole Hauser). The writers tried to paint Verone as a super-psychopath and failed by overdoing it. The main focus of his madness was control of everything, including his lover Monica (Eva Mendes). Little does he know that Monica is a narc. She's able to get a message to our heroes about Verone recruiting drivers through the street racing circuit, and thus we have access to the villain. Will the heroes be able to save the narc, bust the drug kingpin AND keep Roman fed while doing well over 55?

This movie took the time to lovingly show us the interiors, exteriors, engines and camera angles of female behinds never before seen on the silver screen. I would also like to mention that the writers of this movie have supplied me with yet another Bad Movie. Thank you.
I know only one dude who does anything remotely like the characters in 2Fast (no, not the drug dealing/running) and I'll have to agree with him on the subject of nitrous oxide as a catalyst/accelerant/whatever, I don't care. The lack of common sense that makes a man want to put a tank of explosive gas not crucial to the locomotive status of a car is overwhelming. Sure this sounds cool, but don't we remember all the Looney Tunes/Tom & Jerry cartoons that involved nitroglycerin? If you don't then you're on your way to killing yourself and others, because nitro-anything goes BOOM when exposed to heat.

I'd like to take the time now to address the setting of the movie: Miami.
I am from Miami, and many of my friends know because I have told them after they have asked me where I am from OR they found out in passing. Many of them have never been to Miami, nor will they ever have the time to go. They depend on me for an explanation of the behaviors candidly captured in 2Fast. Some have asked me if parties like the ones at Tej's house happen every day. Those parties happen if you've got it like that. Especially if you can control the random weather. As for the rest of Miami, I wouldn't know about it; I only lived there and stayed in my area. Like I need Officer con Leche up my ass because I'm in the "wrong area".
On the subject of city street races, I'll have to "put one finger up", as my ex-girl likes to say. Before the old vampires of corporate America plotted to commoditize our youth in this new century, people were killing themselves with organized, white-knuckle street races in the 1990s. We all knew about those happenings because maybe we knew someone who participated and won...or lost their lives. What brought it to light was the extensive TV news coverage of police busts of young men in modified cars and police efforts to curb such activities with vigilance and heavy penalties. If you weren't in the know, the only place you'd see a modified car in expressful use would be the auto show(with prerequisite hot chicks and booming speakers) or at the club(with prerequisite hot chicks and booming speakers).

In short, 2Fast is a bevy of very broad misconceptions that ended up as a script to the ultimate adolescent male fantasy. Stuff went fast, stuff blew up, we got to see someone express power over others(a la Scarface, another Miami rhapsody) and we saw plenty of cleavage and curves. Put all this to a hip-hop/Latin groove under a partly cloudy sky at 87 degrees and you'll be able to ride the nitrous fumes from the bull-shit-storm that is this fun, if thoroughly inaccurate, racing movie.

CHOICE CUTS:

• Devon Aoki. You don't see much of the young miss, but when you do it's always good. Even if you don't have residual Yellow fever.
• Jin Auyung. He's now known as the rapper Jin, but I really love his role in 2Fast as Jimmy the mechanic. The respect given to his character in the film made me think he could do anything, despite his Scotty-isms.
• Carter Verone's club party scene. In the overhead shots, there was a dark-haired woman dressed in a black mini-dress who sauntered through the club to get to the bar. I met this woman somewhat later and congratulated her on the movie. She seemed rather nonplussed and asked if I wanted a dance or what. Stardom sure didn't change her.
• Miami. I truly miss my hometown and wish I could visit more frequently. Emphasis on VISIT.
• Tyrese. Holy shit, I want muscles like that.
• Eva Mendes. So they replace Michelle Rodriguez with her? They aren't interchangeable by any stretch. I'll explain: I'd like to meet & hang out with Miss Rodriguez for an entire month; I wanna meet & do Miss Mendes for an entire week.

PRICELESS QUOTES:

"Spank that ass!"

-Suki(Devon Aoki) as she jumps an open drawbridge during the first race.

 "It's my sandwich now...bitch!"

-Roman(Tyrese), to a vice cop during a lunch meeting with undercover cops.

This movie could only get a rating of 5 for the film standard it represents: a movie so bad it can't get the best rating, yet so entertaining it can't get the worst rating or anything close to it. Stupid as it was, it was fun to watch people blow rent on racing cars IN THE MOVIE. This is another case where Life should not imitate Art(*giggle*).

RATING: 5/10

Schedule Announcement

For those who remember my old website, I had a novella running through it called "The Cordoba Chronicles 4: the Necromancer's Fury".  It was based in the fantasy realm of Cordoba; the same one my website mascot GEDREN is from.
I will re-post the entire series on a bi-weekly basis, as I did in 2004 and 2005.  Trying to make posting on the first and fifteenth, if I can.

Gedren's Peak--Rebuilt from the ground up

Hello, Interwebs!

It's been over 3 years since I last posted on my OWN webpage, and now I think I should get back into it.  For those who don't know (read: most of y'all), I used to have a webpage called "Gedren's Peak" on Geocities.com in the Tokyo section in Ginza at address 2152.  Geocities was picked up by Yahoo, and things got hairy after that.  I eventually had to forfeit my website, with all of 10 years of work down the drain.

Yes. I said GEOCITIES.

With that out of the way, and tons of free time incoming, I have decided to restart my website--this time in web log format. For those who just read that last sentence and said "this isn't a web log, it's a blog", you should try watching television instead of TV.

I have been advised to do so by a viewer of my old site, but I could not have guessed how popular posting your personal business could have become (MySpace, Friendster, Facebook, Twitter, et. al.), nor could I have guessed how much an employer would use this new media format to judge you before hiring you.  So I will have to give credit where credit's due:

• My family--especially my sister, who always has her hand in support of me,
• The viewer of the old Gedren's Peak, who suggested this idea in the first place,
• Friends in Tallahassee and all over who support me now

I look forward to posting as much of the old site, as well as more new stuff.  Watch me now!