I remember having this crazy dream back in Miami before I went to college. It was my junior year at DASH (Design & Architecture Senior High School!) and I was friends with this senior dude who did not go to my school. His name was Duergan (changed to protect the innocent) and he got me hooked on more Mystery Science Theater 3000. I say more because I liked the show when it was on Comedy Central, and on the Sci-Fi Channel (now called SyFy, because they hate their viewing audience.)
Nevertheless, I borrowed a lot of old school MST3K videos (storebought and bootlegged off the TV) and watched them every week during the summer of 1996. There were a lot of Godzilla (old Russian bear Godzilla--not the T. rex/raptor wannabe) flicks, spy flicks, legitimate dramas, old sci-fi classics and late 70's/early 80's horror movies that were all mocked equally by a lonely human and robots who saw no color and rarely understood the relations between men and women. I decided to watch these movies straight in a solid Thursday afternoon:
- Eegah, a 60's movie about a caveman who gets shot by cops at a pool party,
- Time of the Apes, a 60's Japanese knockoff of Planet of the Apes involving the 'Infamous Japanese Boy' and Sandy Frank,
- Hercules and the Captive Woman, starring Reg Park fighting armies of Atlantean super-soldiers,
- The Brain That Wouldn't Die, about a modern-day Dr. Frankenstein who saves his wife's severed head after a car accident, only to drive her mad and cause some crazy, unrelated monster to attack the lab.
...because I supposedly had nothing better to do. That night, I had an excellent dinner and I watched the FOX crime drama "New York Undercover". I fell asleep in the middle of it and began to dream a crazy dream...
I had this dream that my parents got enough money to move us all to Beverly Hills (not sure why.) For some reason, my brother and I still lived in the same room together with a long window overlooking the backyard. One night, my brother and I were chillin' in the room when we heard a sound in the yard. I looked out and saw a large, bummy-looking man walking around the back lawn. I yelled at him, "Go away, you bum! Leave!" He didn't hear me. My brother joined in and yelled; that's when he heard us. The bum turned toward the window and jumped through! In a shower of glass, he landed on our bed (we had to share a lot).
I took a good look at the guy...and he looked like Eegah, but he had the build of Hercules. This guy was very dangerous looking--and unconscious. Weird little imps that we are, we go into the kitchen and get some cocktail swords and when we got back to the room, we started to stab him in his crotch with them. It seemed like a good idea at first.
The Hercules-Eegah hybrid sat up in pain and threw my brother into the wall. Being the manly man that I am, I ran screaming like a bitch. I ran out the house and jumped over the fence to my backyard. Then I jumped over the other fence leading to my front yard. Then I jumped over the first fence leading to my back yard. This went on for 10 minutes; that's just how my dreams work.
I then went and jumped the neighbor's fence. The neighbors had put plastic in their chain-link fence, but I still climbed to the top. Then the plastic in the fence made the fence start to sway under my weight. The sway was pretty forceful and launched me into the neighbor's pool. Then I pulled my self over the pool fence (they have a small child and don't want him/her falling into the pool) and ran through the open gate in the fence facing the opposite street. At that point, I breathed a sigh of relief.
I began to walk down the street. Before I get even a few houses down the block, I hear a loud car crash. I turn around and it's the Hercules-Eegah hybrid wrestling some woman's Rolls Royce away from her. He throws her out of the car and rips off the roof. He figures out how to drive a car pretty quick and drives the car on the sidewalk to try and get me! I'm out running him, but for how long? I think to myself. I look back and he plows right through a tree. I make a sharp turn and lose Hercules-Eegah, but now I'm in a badly lit cul de sac.
There are some people there in the cul-de-sac discussing something, but I can't make it out. I join the conversation, but I can't make out what I'm saying, either. Then I begin to understand at the end when we all agree that we should go to the mall.
We push through some bushes and see a great mall, separated from us by a 4-lane highway with a median strip. On the median strip, there was an admission booth. The admission to get into the mall was $10. Luckily, the money I had in real life (all I had in my wallet was $10 at the time) translated into the dream and I had enough money to get in. The other people with me didn't have money and were very angry and didn't understand the reason for having to pay admission to get into a mall. I was happy to get to the mall but before I could get in, Hercules-Eegah was right behind me--in a brown wig and purple chiffon dress! I had to get away from this cross-dressing caveman, but through which entrance?
There were two: one was the entrance going through the arcade, the other was the entrance going through the perfume shop. I went through the perfume shop and ran up the nearest stairs. I looked back and saw that Hercules-Eegah followed me, but was stuck in the perfume store smelling all the wonderful scents! I smiled and went on my way--but I didn't go...
Alright, I need to make something clear: in my dreams, I don't always see things in a first-person view. Sometimes I see them in a second-person view or a third-person observer, or third-person omniscient. Anyway, I switched to a third-person observer and watched this old Black couple walk past this rug shop. The wife looks into the store and says, "Ohh look, honey, some rugs! Let's buy some for the children!" Knowing that she wants them for herself and that the rug salesman would give them a hassle from the look on his face, he fixes his fedora and says, "C'mon, honey, you know they won't let our KIND shop here."
The camera flashes back to me in first-person as I bump into a man who looks like Keanu Reeves wearing an outstanding blue vest. He greets me and asks, "Hey, you want to see the new music store I designed?"
Before I can answer, Bluevest drags me down the stairs to a nearby Sam Goody, where a foppish man waits blindfolded and overflowing with happiness. Bluevest pulls off the blind fold and says, "Here it is, dude!"
The fruity man is overcome and hoots, hollers and dances his way into the new store. I'm distracted by a CD display that has some new artists, so I check it out. There's a CD single in there called "Bust That Ass" by none other than J.C. and Eddie Torres (aka "Eddie Vatos") from "New York Undercover". A nearby video wall flares up and it's J.C. and Eddie's video for "Bust That Ass". It shows them running up on crooks and bustin' 'em in the head, and kicking down doors to get the perp. Then when they catch him, they do him like the door. The video ends with them arresting themselves.
...and that's it.
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