Movie Review - The Wolf Man (2010)

Werewolf showdown.

 

When I saw the trailer for this movie, I immediately said, "I hope they have some sort of werewolf battle at the end."  I went to see it, and I was not disappointed. But I am getting ahead of myself in this review of a remake of a movie from 1941.

So, there's an English guy who got attacked by a werewolf. He died, so he obviously isn't the werewolf. The guy's brother, Lawrence Talbot (notorious Hispanic-at-large Benicio Del Toro), comes from a very successful stage career in America to see to the details of his brother's funeral and his estate, Talbot Manor.  He would not have known about it from his aloof asshole of a father Sir John Talbot (Anthony Hopkins) who still lives there, but instead learned about his brother's death from from Gwen Contliff (Emily Blunt), his brother's fiancee.  Lawrence eventually got to view the body before burial and found a medallion on the corpse, the kind sold at the gypsy camp outside of their town, known as Blackmoor.

Upon visiting, Lawrence meets with an old gypsy woman, Maleva (Geraldine Chaplin), who tells Lawrence that his brother was attacked by something evil. Just then, the gypsy camp comes under attack by the werewolf, and Lawrence is bitten. So begins the most awesome displays of movie makeup magic since the late Stan Winston, as created by Rick Baker. You can feel the burn of the wounds as the curse reddens the flesh while coursing through Lawrence's veins.  It's really amazing stuff.  Then the change from man to wolf-man occurs and IT IS INCREDIBLE.  The digital FX are able to twist and shape the actor into a monstrosity that doesn't stray too far from the base of the werewolf design, that can give a great blood-curdling howl against the biggest full moon since the time of the dinosaurs.

Eventually, bad stuff happens. One can only expect a werewolf on the loose to cause havoc.  So Inspector Abberline of Scotland Yard (Hugo Weaving) comes to investigate the Blackmoor murders and was able to catch the person responsible for them--Lawrence Talbot?  The madness does not stop there, as Lawrence is taken to a London mental institution for incarceration and study.  He promptly escapes by transforming into a werewolf and causes havoc on the streets of London, all on the way back to Blackmoor. It is there that the truth is revealed about Lawrence's past, his brother's murder, and his mother's death--all in the same shot.  It also gives me the satisfaction of seeing something I called at the beginning of the movie and this review: WEREWOLF SHOWDOWN.  A werewolf showdown, I might add, that does NOT disappoint.

End spoilers.

Movie Review - Red Riding Hood (2011)

 

I've been on an Amanda Seyfried kick lately.  I seem to be watching a lot of movies starring her, the last being Chloe.  I'm not sure why so many of her movies draw me in, but it might have something to do with her status as a rising star in Hollywood.  Or the fact that she's attractive. Either way, it probably isn't the movies. I'd be open to watching Mean Girls, but I draw the line at Mamma Mia!, as a rule.  This also goes for several other movies designed for the fairer sex, like Beastly and the omnipresent Twilight series.

Despite being marked as being an imitator of the Twilight franchise, I found myself drawn to Red Riding Hood. The most likely reason being Miss Seyfried, but I also had an academic curiosity to see what was done with the story of the legendary  little crimson-covered child.

Said child is little no longer: Valerie (Amanda Seyfried) is a willful young woman, promised to the blacksmith's son, Henry (Max Irons) in marriage by her mother Suzette (Virginia Madsen).  Alas, she loves the woodcutter Peter (Shiloh Fernandez) and has done so since they were children.  They want to run away and live free, but a murder in their village of Darkmoor brings them back to reality.  The culprit: a wolf that preys on their village that takes a sacrifice of a living being to sate its bloodlust on a full moon.  Now the wolf is back, and draws an even more dangerous enemy into the midst of Darkmoor--this time, a wolf in sheep's clothing.

Father Solomon (the scene-chewing Gary Oldman) and his armed escort roll into town in an armored carriage, bristling with weapons.  The good father says such things are necessary in his line of work--as a hunter of devils, demons, witches, warlocks and werewolves.  To wit, he reminds people that he is willing to go to great lengths to find out who is the werewolf in Darkmoor.  Yes, they're dealing with a werewolf and it lives in the town.  Soon, Father Solomon has people accusing each other of witchcraft and of being the werewolf.  The chaos spreads fast, but not enough to slow the romantic subplot down at all.

The sexual tension is so thick, you could cut it with a knife.  Heap on the extra layers of lies and the mystery of who the werewolf could be, and you have a fine movie.  Some might even say it's lame because it is slavish to the original, or not slavish enough to the original.  If the audience can't relate to Valerie by virtue of teenager problems, you just blew a wad of cash on kiddie porn or a poorly visualized juvenile fantasy (see: Robin Williams' Toys). If Valerie doesn't make it to Grandma's house or have that ears/eyes/teeth conversation, then the story told is baseless.

The movie has a story to tell, and it does so admirably with all the history of the original supporting information with modern twists.  I especially liked what they did with all the different versions of Little Red Riding Hood (there's more than one) and other wolf-related fairy tales, like the Boy Who Cried Wolf and the Three Little Pigs.  The movie's got some pretty chaste gore effects that do an effective job of conveying the carnage in the film.  For a movie directed by the woman who directed Twilight, starring a man who played the lead's father in both that film and this one (Billy Burke), it's not as bad as people make it out to be.  Ultimately, the only ones who would hate this movie would be Twilight haters.

And yet I still liked it.

Movie Review - Underworld (2003)

Disappointment  strikes once again in this movie about vampires and werewolves, an idea that shouldn't have ended in the review you are about to read. Billed as a "modern-day occult Romeo and Juliet" for stupid people who can't make their decisions on anythin' else other than a big shot reviewer's decision (that's why I'm bush league, folks!), this movie let me down. I'll explain why.

We all saw the awesome-as-hell trailer, right? Some Trinity-like chick walking off a tower and landing safely in mid-stride, vampires vamping about, lots of silver and leather and GUNS, the "Gun Dance" (she shoots a hole in the floor with her guns to get to the next floor down) and the darkest rainiest city this side of Seattle. All of this is captured in the limited palette of blue filter. Holy moley, this oughta be awesome!

Nope. It's silly, but not awesome.

It was a bit of a stretch to believe this movie when I believe Blade and its sequel pretty much covered this whole thing. But the story has to be heard in order to start to make sense, and I say that because I didn't have access to the script like some folks do. So here's the story, as covered in the prequel, Underworld: Rise of the Lycans:
Vampires and their eternal enemies, the "Lycans" (read: werewolves) have been fighting a war for over 1000 years. They have graduated from swords, fangs and claws to more modern weapons, like UV bullets for the werewolves and silver/silver nitrate bullets for the vampires. It takes place on the streets of generic Eastern European cities and everything is fair game. Rarely does the bullet hit the target in this movie, kinda like in G.I. JOE. I think that's why the Immortals' War has raged for so long; soldiers on either side can't hit the broad side of a barn. The only exception to this rule is the main character Selene (Kate Beckinsale). She's a "Death-Dealer" and dresses in flattering rubber suits that show off her butt, but then she covers it up with a big duster jacket/vampire cape. And GUNS. She does all the cool stuff mentioned in the aforementioned trailer and not much else except strike a bad-ass silhouette in the sewers and subways of [Eastern European city]. When she's done with that, she goes home to the Vampire Coven.

The Vampire Coven houses all the vampires in the local clan, who vamp about and scheme and drink and ponder the direction of the next Marilyn Manson album. Selene is the only vampire that gives a damn about this war, as opposed to the new clan leader, Kraven (Shane Brolly). Kraven likes Selene but not her attitude. Thus the two are always at odds: Kraven ordering Selene to do stupid things and Selene disobeying him, deferring to another's judgement or behavior. The two cut a decent picture of modern relationships in the Western world. Which brings us to the third man in our love quartet, Michael Corvin (Scott Speedman).
An intern at St. Istvan's Hospital and an unknowing descendant of 13th Century man Corvinus (the only person to be infected by an unknown plague who didn't die), he is a valuable commodity in the Immortals' War. He holds the key to completing a vampire-werewolf hybrid that is stronger than the two in all respects. This holds no interest to the vampire (who consider such an abomination to their own evil...?), but is of great interest to the Lycans.
These are powerful Lycans, no longer tethered to the full moon to change. They're led by clan leader Lucien (Michael Sheen) and second-in-command Raze (Kevin Grevioux, co-writer of the story!), whom I have nicknamed "the Were-Negro." The whole clan of lycans is nothing but diry, Chechen rebel-looking fellows, leaving you to wonder if female Lycans exist (side note: they used to). Moving on: Lycans have been trying for years to find the descendant of Corvinus and have found it in Michael. So naturally they hunt him down to take him, but Selene gets him first--but not BEFORE Lucien bites him and infects him.

There's all this crap about how Selene loves Michael (after being with him for less than an hour) and vice versa. Naturally, Kraven doesn't like it, learns that Michael is gonna be a Lycan and orders him killed. Selene will also be punished by the Council for consorting with him. Selene then goes to the only person who will listen to her: Master Vampire Viktor (the prolific Bill Nighy). Viktor is believable as a Elder Vampire Lord, but he looks like a cross between a Todd McFarlane sculpture and a rejected sketch from Warcraft 3: Frozen Throne. I expected him to mess up and exclaim, "Glory to the Blood Elves!" one time, but no dice. Selene loves #4, I mean Viktor 'cuz she was "saved" by him from the Lycans that killed her family. Unfortunately, Viktor knows a lot of stuff that has already transpired by some weird blood/memory transfusion thing, particularly the plot between Lucien and Kraven to lift Kraven to the heights of Supreme Vampire Overlord at the expense of his fellow vampires and a tribute to the Lycans! Viktor also knows that Selene loves Michael and orders her to kill Michael. Ah, conflict.

In the end, there's a big fight scene involving Selene and GUNS--LOTS OF GUNS and a sword, Michael finally makes it to vampire/lycan hybrid status, Selene kills Viktor (!), Kraven kills Lucien and the Were-Negro lives through the whole thing. I think. This movie had only a few scenes that made me sit up briefly, and everything else made me say, "what a waste". At least I had my MST3K skills to get me through.
There are some points in this movie that pay no mind to lesser conventions of the involved mythical creatures--salvageable only by the memory of what vamps and Lycans should be. A werewolf can take on any vampire, sure why not. Said werewolf takes on multiple vampires in the dark? NO! Vampires having 3 infrared scopes on a gun when they should be able to see IN THE DARK? NO! Vampires that can't fly? NO! Werewolf women? NO!--I mean, yes, but...NO! A sequel? Two of them, which ramp up the cheese factor with every release.

Holy moley, this movie let me down. It needs elements of what made The Crow and The Craft become embraced by Goth culture in general. Most of all, the creators need to give credit to White Wolf Gaming Studio for ripping off Vampire: the Requiem and Werewolf: the Apocalypse in DVD releases.

Video Game Review - Altered Beast (1989 - Sega Genesis)

When I first saw this game, I was not particularly impressed. I saw it in the arcade between a 4-player cabinet for Gauntlet and a cabinet for the original Golden Axe. THOSE were video games to me. Not some crap about how I beat up zombies and two-headed albino wolves. Anyway, the years passed on and I got a Sega Genesis. We didn't really have games for it (just Sonic the Hedgehog and Streets of Rage) so we'd hit the video store and rent stuff. I saw the cartridge for this game and I was like, "Hey I remember this." So I popped it in and set off to play Altered Beast, not knowing that a specific sound clip I heard would change my mind about this game.
The game starts off with 2 headstones of fallen Roman warriors. Then (I suppose) Zeus comes out and says in a booming voice:

RISE...FROM YOUR GRAVE...

Lightning strikes the tombstone and our hero has awkened! He heads off in an undecided direction to fight off the hordes of evil undead. The music helps greatly when doing so. Occasionally, a two-headed white wolf will come bounding by and, being the hero, you'll kill it because it is evil. When it dies, you get a power-up globe: grab it and our hero looks at the screen as his form becomes more muscular to Zeus' voice saying:

POWER UP!

Your hero can do more damage because the punches he throws now have an energy wave coming off them. Kill another white wolf and Zeus'll say "POWER UP!" again and watch your body become insanely muscular. The strange thing about this form is that it's the most powerful form in the game. You'll have one more powerup globe to grab before you change into your "ultimate" form. Do that, and the screen will be bathed in fire with our hero's face shown transforming into that of a wolf, complete with howling effect:

"ARROOOOOOOOOOO..."

The music now changes to meet your new powers as a bad-ass werewolf. Your hero can throw fireballs from his hands and move in a dash pattern to destroy the enemy. After a while, you'll bump into an old man in a purple robe whom you can't attack because of his lightning shield. This man is the antagonist. Further evidence is supplied when he's ready for you and alerts you to the fact with the phrase:

"WELCOME TO YOUR DOOOOOM!"

With a column of smoke, here begins our  boss fight. It's a big dude that throws lotsa heads at you and wants to kill you. Easily beaten, you think you can take the man in purple now.
He wouldn't be a proper antagonist unless he was more powerful than you,  so prior to leaving for the next stage, he strips our hero of his werewolfdom with a laugh:

"HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA"

The man in purple jumps in a portal in the ground and you follow him to...gee, I'm not sure why Zeus woke the hero from his grave...oh wait, here we go. 

Between stages to the tune of ominous harpsicord music, you learn that our hero's female relation has been kidnapped by Hades, the man in purple. I guess Hades is gonna do something nefarious, so hustle on and SAVE HER!

The second stage was an eye-opener to me as a young boy. The stage was some weird ass cave that had weird things in it. That wasn't the eye-opening part, though. I had grown up thinking that the only king of were-creature was a werewolf. Little did I know that when you grab 3 powerup globes, you transformed into a WEREDRAGON. This weredragon was modeled from Toho's King Ghidorah, due to his helix-shaped breath lazer and golden exterior(for 2P only). This weredragon also has an electrical shield that kills things inside its radius. Per the usual, here comes boss #2. Boss #2 is weird, because it's made out of eyes. Yes, eyes; stinging, crowding eyes that don't want to look at you anymore and would rather you dead. Hades strips you again, you follow him, and more of Hades' plans are revealed. This is how the game runs for the next 3 stages.
The game changes it up some more by letting our her transform into a werebear(!) on stage 3, with breath that turns the enemy to stone, and on stage 4 the hero turns into a weretiger. I forget what exactly the weretiger does, but I know that the weretiger is bad-ass.  Stage 5, the final stage, allows us to get at Hades personally and fight him as the Golden Werewolf, the most powerful form (yeah, right--the form pre-transformation is still stronger) in Altered Beast. You beat Hades, save the female relation, Zeus is happy. The end, and pretty much, GAME OVER.

The sound on this game is great for its time, but it's not on par with the music from Streets of Rage.  My mind still reels from the idea that there's more than just wolf lycanthropes, and thanks to Altered Beast, I can play D&D with a greater suspension of disbelief.

RATING: 7/10

[Special Note: Altered Beast has  been remade in 3-D for the PS2. All reviews point to it sucking horribly.]