Movie Review - Near Dark (1987)

One of my avorite movies is the James Cameron movie ALIENS, sequel to Ridley Scott's Alien.  It was not only a wild sci-fi romp, but the characters were somewhat likable to the extreme, namely most of the characters who didn't die in the initial Xenomorph attack--I'm talking Hudson, Vazquez and Bishop.  It is a testament to the actors' craft that Bill Paxton, Jenette Goldstein, and the great Lance Henriksen are still widely remembered for their performance even in light of that totally sweet battle at the end of the movie.  However, I did not know if they all had been in another movie together since that film.  Behold, I have watched Near Dark, and sure enough...there they all are.  This time, Paxton wore the makeup and it ended up being plastered all over the cover because it was that good...but was not nominated for an award in the Special Effects category--anywhere.  It's a shame, but it was a stepping stone for smaller things into bigger things.

Our story opens up with a shot of a mosquito feeding on a handsome hillbilly named Caleb Colton (Adrian Pasar, the future President Nathan Petrelli from HEROES) as he wakes up to a sunset.  He heads into town and meets his friends, only to be distracted by a very beautiful young country ingenue.  He finds out her name is May (Jenny Wright) and she's in town with "friends".  He tries to woo her and convinces her to come with him out of town in his truck.  They go to his dad's farm and he attempts to show her a horse--which promptly runs from the petite young woman.  Figuring nothing's up with her, Caleb tries to put the moves on May but she stops him and wants to know what time it is.  Caleb reminds her it's near to dawn and she demands to be taken home.  He wants to know why and May suddenly persists to be taken home, as if something bad will happen.  He agrees, but before he takes her any further he begs just one last kiss.  May gives him one heckuva steaming kiss...and slips in a small nip to his neck, just before she flees into the morning twilight.

Vampires from LV-426 (l-r): Jesse Hooker (Henriksen),
Diamondback (Goldstein), and Severen (Paxton)
(not pictured: Homer [Joshua John Miller]).

Caleb shrugs off that rather odd foreplay and tries to start the truck, but the engine fails to turn over and start.  He decides to walk across the town fields as the sun rises, but finds his energy sapped every minute he's out there and can't figure out why his skin is burning and smoking.  Suddenly, he is kidnapped into a runaway RV and confronted by a pack of five filthy, murderous drifters--one of which turns out to be May (who is not so filthy or murderous).  On top of being a kidnapping victim, Caleb gets the worst news he could possibly get (thus far): he has been bitten and transformed into a vampire.

From this point forward, things get interesting.  With the previous statement, I present to you my Understatement of the Year for 2013.

Above: May (Wright) and Caleb (Pasar) share a tender
embrace.  This might be a case of beating a dead horse, but...
STILL A BETTER LOVE STORY THAN TWILIGHT

This movie was one that a few friends had recommended to me, namely those from US states with rural backgrounds.  It was entertaining, and a fun experience pointing out all the actors who have marched across the silver screen (namely Tim "Dollman" Thomerson and a young Theresa Randle).  I also found it interesting to note that this is the first mainstream film for director Kathryn Bigelow, who would go on to direct hits like the movie that got her name in lights, the 2008 military drama The Hurt Locker (starring Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters' male lead, Jeremy Renner) and the 2012 critical darling Zero Dark Thirty.  If this is the kind of movie she would direct in the future, she should have been a big name in Hollywood well before The Hurt Locker.  I suppose the accusations of a Hollywood Boys' Club preventing her from making movies are true: HER MOVIES ARE A LOT BETTER THAN WHAT MOST MALE DIRECTORS MAKE. 

To think, if Ms. Bigelow kept making movies like this, we might not deride the movie industry as mush as we do and we might've actually paid for the films we watch.  Sadly, we are too far gone and more people know of a world where you always have an option on how you watch your movies.  They will never know the feeling of sitting in a filthy non-IMAX/non-HD sound movie theater with a bunch of strangers (some of whom are smoking) over and over again to watch the same movie (because viewers in theater seats can't rewind or pause).  To know such a world of inconvenience no longer exists and has cost the movie industry brings a tear to my eye...but not as much as the ending for Near Dark.  It was sooooooooo bad, it's gonna cost the ratings score.

RATING: 7/10

Movie Review - Underworld (2003)

Disappointment  strikes once again in this movie about vampires and werewolves, an idea that shouldn't have ended in the review you are about to read. Billed as a "modern-day occult Romeo and Juliet" for stupid people who can't make their decisions on anythin' else other than a big shot reviewer's decision (that's why I'm bush league, folks!), this movie let me down. I'll explain why.

We all saw the awesome-as-hell trailer, right? Some Trinity-like chick walking off a tower and landing safely in mid-stride, vampires vamping about, lots of silver and leather and GUNS, the "Gun Dance" (she shoots a hole in the floor with her guns to get to the next floor down) and the darkest rainiest city this side of Seattle. All of this is captured in the limited palette of blue filter. Holy moley, this oughta be awesome!

Nope. It's silly, but not awesome.

It was a bit of a stretch to believe this movie when I believe Blade and its sequel pretty much covered this whole thing. But the story has to be heard in order to start to make sense, and I say that because I didn't have access to the script like some folks do. So here's the story, as covered in the prequel, Underworld: Rise of the Lycans:
Vampires and their eternal enemies, the "Lycans" (read: werewolves) have been fighting a war for over 1000 years. They have graduated from swords, fangs and claws to more modern weapons, like UV bullets for the werewolves and silver/silver nitrate bullets for the vampires. It takes place on the streets of generic Eastern European cities and everything is fair game. Rarely does the bullet hit the target in this movie, kinda like in G.I. JOE. I think that's why the Immortals' War has raged for so long; soldiers on either side can't hit the broad side of a barn. The only exception to this rule is the main character Selene (Kate Beckinsale). She's a "Death-Dealer" and dresses in flattering rubber suits that show off her butt, but then she covers it up with a big duster jacket/vampire cape. And GUNS. She does all the cool stuff mentioned in the aforementioned trailer and not much else except strike a bad-ass silhouette in the sewers and subways of [Eastern European city]. When she's done with that, she goes home to the Vampire Coven.

The Vampire Coven houses all the vampires in the local clan, who vamp about and scheme and drink and ponder the direction of the next Marilyn Manson album. Selene is the only vampire that gives a damn about this war, as opposed to the new clan leader, Kraven (Shane Brolly). Kraven likes Selene but not her attitude. Thus the two are always at odds: Kraven ordering Selene to do stupid things and Selene disobeying him, deferring to another's judgement or behavior. The two cut a decent picture of modern relationships in the Western world. Which brings us to the third man in our love quartet, Michael Corvin (Scott Speedman).
An intern at St. Istvan's Hospital and an unknowing descendant of 13th Century man Corvinus (the only person to be infected by an unknown plague who didn't die), he is a valuable commodity in the Immortals' War. He holds the key to completing a vampire-werewolf hybrid that is stronger than the two in all respects. This holds no interest to the vampire (who consider such an abomination to their own evil...?), but is of great interest to the Lycans.
These are powerful Lycans, no longer tethered to the full moon to change. They're led by clan leader Lucien (Michael Sheen) and second-in-command Raze (Kevin Grevioux, co-writer of the story!), whom I have nicknamed "the Were-Negro." The whole clan of lycans is nothing but diry, Chechen rebel-looking fellows, leaving you to wonder if female Lycans exist (side note: they used to). Moving on: Lycans have been trying for years to find the descendant of Corvinus and have found it in Michael. So naturally they hunt him down to take him, but Selene gets him first--but not BEFORE Lucien bites him and infects him.

There's all this crap about how Selene loves Michael (after being with him for less than an hour) and vice versa. Naturally, Kraven doesn't like it, learns that Michael is gonna be a Lycan and orders him killed. Selene will also be punished by the Council for consorting with him. Selene then goes to the only person who will listen to her: Master Vampire Viktor (the prolific Bill Nighy). Viktor is believable as a Elder Vampire Lord, but he looks like a cross between a Todd McFarlane sculpture and a rejected sketch from Warcraft 3: Frozen Throne. I expected him to mess up and exclaim, "Glory to the Blood Elves!" one time, but no dice. Selene loves #4, I mean Viktor 'cuz she was "saved" by him from the Lycans that killed her family. Unfortunately, Viktor knows a lot of stuff that has already transpired by some weird blood/memory transfusion thing, particularly the plot between Lucien and Kraven to lift Kraven to the heights of Supreme Vampire Overlord at the expense of his fellow vampires and a tribute to the Lycans! Viktor also knows that Selene loves Michael and orders her to kill Michael. Ah, conflict.

In the end, there's a big fight scene involving Selene and GUNS--LOTS OF GUNS and a sword, Michael finally makes it to vampire/lycan hybrid status, Selene kills Viktor (!), Kraven kills Lucien and the Were-Negro lives through the whole thing. I think. This movie had only a few scenes that made me sit up briefly, and everything else made me say, "what a waste". At least I had my MST3K skills to get me through.
There are some points in this movie that pay no mind to lesser conventions of the involved mythical creatures--salvageable only by the memory of what vamps and Lycans should be. A werewolf can take on any vampire, sure why not. Said werewolf takes on multiple vampires in the dark? NO! Vampires having 3 infrared scopes on a gun when they should be able to see IN THE DARK? NO! Vampires that can't fly? NO! Werewolf women? NO!--I mean, yes, but...NO! A sequel? Two of them, which ramp up the cheese factor with every release.

Holy moley, this movie let me down. It needs elements of what made The Crow and The Craft become embraced by Goth culture in general. Most of all, the creators need to give credit to White Wolf Gaming Studio for ripping off Vampire: the Requiem and Werewolf: the Apocalypse in DVD releases.

Movie Review - Bloodrayne (2005)

Oh, Uwe Boll. You are a man to be congratulated. Here I was, thinking you were making bad movies on purpose to spite Americans. Indeed you were, and I'm not sure if you changed your mind as a result of reading this website. I made a comment in the last review of your film-making career that "BLOODRAYNE BETTER BE AWESOME, BITCH." I was so serious about that, because my buddy Ted (last referenced in the Freestyle story "Pennies From Heaven") play-tested the video game you based your movie on. So what do I get when I ask you to make Bloodrayne awesome? A decent effort. You tried to make it awesome. It shows in every frame and choice made in the production of this movie--which counts as a period piece for you, "Herr Direktor". But enough about you, sir, let me address the people.

As the movie opens we find ourselves in 18th Century Romania (where else to film a fantasy picture?) and traveling with three members of the Brimstone Society, a vampire-hunting clan. Their leader Vladimir (Michael Madsen) and his two subordinates Sebastian (Matthew Davis) and Katarin (Michelle Rodriguez) follow up on a lead given to Vladimir by the Regal Monk (the institution that is Udo Kier). It's about a dhampir--a half-vampire--and its location in a carnival sideshow. They follow the clues and show up the morning after said dhampir goes bezerk and escapes. The three hunters kill all the witnesses (?!) and leave to search for the dhampir, staring at square one.
Also at square one is the escaped dhampir, Rayne (Kristanna Loken). She's never killed another to drink blood before, and she's lost in the woods with a heavy conscience. It's only after she saves a wagon of innocents with her bladed tonfa (that's nightsticks...to all the chicks) does she have the will to move on. She makes her way to a town and speaks to the fortune teller(Geraldine Chaplin), who tells her of her past and her future.
Turns out that Rayne is the offspring of a human female (DERP) and Kagan, King of All Vampires (Ben Kingsley). Kagan murdered her mother and never got a chance to claim his daughter. Rayne's destiny is to avenge her mother by killing Kagan, but not before she gets the Quest Items. In order to become as powerful as Kagan, Rayne must get her hands on three relics of a destroyed vampire: his eye, his rib and his heart. She gets the eye after an awesome trap escape, but Kagan gets the rib with the help of his loyal human thrall Domastir (Will Sanderson, an Uwe Boll stable actor). The battle is on to get the Vampire's Heart, but with Katarina's focus on issues contrary to the group be the death of them all? With the money Herr Direktor spent on make-up effects, they better damn well die...or get hurt really bad at least.
Oh, I almost forgot: at some point, Billy Zane, Michael Pare and Meat Loaf show up in cameo appearances. Not sure why, but they do.

Folks, if you can't tell this is a bad movie, lemme rephrase the above paragraphs: it's an UWE BOLL FILM. While the movie was still bad in many parts, it did have its moments. Michelle Rodriguez could really play a female warlord, if such a part was written for her. You already know that Ben Kingsley is above this, so he's really there for the paycheck and competing with Billy Zane for the title "King of All Hams". Michael Madsen is rocking the mullet extra-hard, and mumbling his lines. With all this going on, you'll still learn that Meat Loaf will do anything for love--even show up in an Uwe Boll film. Herr Direktor is also learning to ape better movies, like the expansive shots that copy from Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings. All good and positive things on the set of Bloodrayne. And then there's Miss Loken.
Nothing bad comes from her; she works with the material given. It's just that I really had my heart set on her becoming an action "It Girl" after her performance in "Mortal Kombat: Conquest". To see her in this movie, fighting with crap swords and wearing straight-leg pants in the 18th Century just made my skin crawl. She could do so much better. Hell, the movie could've been so much better. Then came the boob. Note the singular form of 'boobs' in the last sentence.
There is a sex scene in BloodRayne that is so horribly shoehorned into the movie that as erotic as it could have been (much better than Alone in the Dark but nowhere near Queen of the Damned), it was laughable. Not saying that having a dhampir rock your world in an underground prison is a laughing matter, just that character development would have helped this to be an even better bad movie.

Movie Review - Scars of Dracula (1970)

I've never been a fan of Hammer Films, because of their psychadelic approach to horror projects. They were the only horror movies around and no one else had anything else to compare them to, since the people who decide what goes on the movie lists grew up in the time before VHS and DVD. These folks had to see the movie during the film's theater run if they wanted to see the movie again. Even if the movie was crap, they'd still go see it. We of a later generation don't really have to do that now.
People can watch a movie--old or new--on TV, on cable, or downloaded from the Internet (if they're fashionable enough to break the law). I'd never actually rent a Hammer film on purpose, much to my detriment. I learned a great deal about how much thought goes into a Hammer production when I was at home and saw Scars of Dracula, the most unique film about Bram Stoker's literary character.

Christopher Lee comes back in the opening credits from the ashes as the titular character. With the help of his henchman Klove (Patrick Troughton, aka "The Second Doctor Who"), he keeps the nearby English town on lockdown. When the Master becomes thirsty, he sends Klove to capture people in a big black coach and bring them back to the castle. Such a device is what will cause our three heroes to end up at the home of the Dark Prince.
It's the 20th birthday party of Sarah Framsen (Jenny Hanley) and her party could be better. She's waiting for Paul Carlson (Christopher Matthews) to show up and join her and his brother Simon (Dennis Waterman) so the night can really begin. As if on cue, Paul walks in through the door. He gives an excuse for his tardiness (he was banging the Burgomaster's daughter) and gives Sarah her gift: a picture of herself in a gilded frame. She gingerly tries to hold it and she drops it. The glass face splits and Paul promises to fix it. Just then, the cops bust in looking for a young man who ravished the Burgomaster's daughter. Paul jumps out the window to escape, only to land on the back of a black coach that rolls off to the country.
When the carriage stops, Simon gets off and wanders to the nearby town where he meets the servant girl Julie (Wendy Hamilton) and soon the innkeeper (Michael Ripper). The innkeeper told the servant girl to keep the door closed at night, so he promptly kicks Paul out and tells him--by way of insult--that he should go and spent the night at the castle. Clueless Paul does just that.

Upon being received at the castle by Klove, Paul meets Count Dracula and his succubus Tania (Anoushka Hempel). The Count allows Paul to stay in the guest room. When they get there and Paul unloads his belongings, Klove notices the photo of Sarah and steals it without Paul knowing. Simon and Sarah are out looking for Paul and find themselves in the small town and ask around the local inn. Everyone's quiet but the servant girl Julie, who tells them that Paul rolled into town but left to find lodging in the castle. Simon and Sarah are warned against going there by the innkeeper, but he's quiet about the reason why. Simon damn near beats it out of him and gets the totally unbelievable answer that--get this--COUNT DRACULA IS A VAMPIRE! DUN DUN DUNNNNNN!
Simon chooses to ignore such poppycock and set out for castle Dracula, but not before they encounter the town priest (Michael Gwynn). With a short history course about the castle and its lord in addition to a brief story about why no one goes to church anymore, The two of them set their sights on what really happened to Paul.

This movie could best be described as the boring entry into the Hammer Films library, but it boasts one of the most creative and hilarious defeat of the Lord of All Vampires. It involves impaling the Impaler with a large METAL spike. This would not have happened if it wasn't in the script, which would explain the churning lightning storm above the rooftop battle. One flash of lightning later and Dracula is crispy critters. Depending on the movie or lore used, being set on fire alone will not kill a vampire. To further ensure the end of naughty nosferatu, the flaming undead master falls off the roof (just like my uncle Clive--R.I.P.) and into a yawning canyon at the edge of the English countryside. Yes, a canyon in the English country; this is not a typo.
The 'death by lightning bolt' was the main draw for me in this movie, in addition to the cloak worn by the love interest Sarah. The cloak was an inspiration for Inia's character design in the Cordoba Chronicles: The Necromancer's Fury.

You know, after all the movies about Dracula being this evil creature and an abomination to be slain, I never saw what the big deal was. I'd just go along for the ride. With the screening of Scars of Dracula, I can say that I have a new-found respect for the Lord of All Vampires for one reason: the man knows how to run a tight ship wherever he goes. Even in the canyon-ridden lands of Great Britain.