Movie Review - In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007)

I'm writing a review about a director I used to hate--yes, USED TO--is because I have decided to make a compilation of reviews, to show Herr Direktor's progress from his big break (House of the Dead) up to his latest film. The latest film is the one I review now with the mouthful of a title In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale.

The movie is one of several video game properties Herr Direktor picked up around 2004 (as mentioned in the Bloodrayne review) to make a quick buck off a pre-existing video game storyline. Dungeon Siege is a a game where you quest to rid the world of great evil from humble beginnings as a farmer to a mighty warrior or spellcaster. There are other character along the way to help and they join your quest, making it a lot easier to take it to evil's face. It's a cool game that has spawned 2 sequels and more expansion packs, and now a movie.

Our story follows the mysterious man known only as Farmer (Jason Statham) and his pretty wife Solana (Claire Forlani) and his nameless son (nameless for a reason). He lives a boring life and tries to keep to himself, even with constant pestering from his neighbor and friend Norrick (Ron Perlman) to join the army and fight back the subhuman menace known as the Krugs. Farmer politely declines the offer yet easily dispatches any Krug scouts on his land. It makes him wonder how he'll protect his family (duh, use your ass-kicking skillz) and who commands them. Who or what would do such evil things? WHO, I ASK YOU? WHO?!
The answer lies in the hands of a rival royal court magician Gallian (Ray Liotta), who schemes to take over the kingdom of Ehb from King Konreid (Burt Reynolds) by force and fell magic. He's so sure he'll win that he has time to seduce Muriella (Leelee Sobieski) ina bid to overextend her father, the great royal magister Merick (John Rhys-Davies). She holds the key to great magical power and if he can sap enough to become more powerful than Merick, Gallian would rule the kingdom...and he wouldn't stop there. Thankfully, he made the mistake of killing Farmer's son (toldja there's a reason) and in-laws, as well as kidnapping both Norrick and Solana. If he didn't we'd have no movie and I wouldn't be able to introduce these other characters in short order:

• the elf-like Elora (Kristanna Loken), who meets Farmer in the forest with her "dryad warriors",
• the King's nephew Duke Fallon (Matthew Lillard), a sniveling opportunist who conspires with Gallian in exchange for a stake in the new regime,
• Commander Tarish (Brian White), AKA "the Blackman", captain of the King's personal guard, highly competent swordsman and nice guy all-around.

What happens in this movie defies logic found in script-writing 101 classes at your local community college. People are harassed when they could just as well be back in their cells, warning signs are ignored, and Farmer is revealed to be King Konreid's long-lost son previously mentioned once or twice. The writer has even decided to throw in a Star Wars reference in poor taste. The movie culminates in a split battle between the Krugs and Konreid's forces, and the final showdown between Farmer and Gallian. Both fights rock face, but the ending was kinda left unfinished. With the final CG camera sweep over the mountains, one can only assume the entire script must have been a poor re-imagining to one of the better computer games out there.

Yeah. I said it.

Movie Review - Bloodrayne (2005)

Oh, Uwe Boll. You are a man to be congratulated. Here I was, thinking you were making bad movies on purpose to spite Americans. Indeed you were, and I'm not sure if you changed your mind as a result of reading this website. I made a comment in the last review of your film-making career that "BLOODRAYNE BETTER BE AWESOME, BITCH." I was so serious about that, because my buddy Ted (last referenced in the Freestyle story "Pennies From Heaven") play-tested the video game you based your movie on. So what do I get when I ask you to make Bloodrayne awesome? A decent effort. You tried to make it awesome. It shows in every frame and choice made in the production of this movie--which counts as a period piece for you, "Herr Direktor". But enough about you, sir, let me address the people.

As the movie opens we find ourselves in 18th Century Romania (where else to film a fantasy picture?) and traveling with three members of the Brimstone Society, a vampire-hunting clan. Their leader Vladimir (Michael Madsen) and his two subordinates Sebastian (Matthew Davis) and Katarin (Michelle Rodriguez) follow up on a lead given to Vladimir by the Regal Monk (the institution that is Udo Kier). It's about a dhampir--a half-vampire--and its location in a carnival sideshow. They follow the clues and show up the morning after said dhampir goes bezerk and escapes. The three hunters kill all the witnesses (?!) and leave to search for the dhampir, staring at square one.
Also at square one is the escaped dhampir, Rayne (Kristanna Loken). She's never killed another to drink blood before, and she's lost in the woods with a heavy conscience. It's only after she saves a wagon of innocents with her bladed tonfa (that's nightsticks...to all the chicks) does she have the will to move on. She makes her way to a town and speaks to the fortune teller(Geraldine Chaplin), who tells her of her past and her future.
Turns out that Rayne is the offspring of a human female (DERP) and Kagan, King of All Vampires (Ben Kingsley). Kagan murdered her mother and never got a chance to claim his daughter. Rayne's destiny is to avenge her mother by killing Kagan, but not before she gets the Quest Items. In order to become as powerful as Kagan, Rayne must get her hands on three relics of a destroyed vampire: his eye, his rib and his heart. She gets the eye after an awesome trap escape, but Kagan gets the rib with the help of his loyal human thrall Domastir (Will Sanderson, an Uwe Boll stable actor). The battle is on to get the Vampire's Heart, but with Katarina's focus on issues contrary to the group be the death of them all? With the money Herr Direktor spent on make-up effects, they better damn well die...or get hurt really bad at least.
Oh, I almost forgot: at some point, Billy Zane, Michael Pare and Meat Loaf show up in cameo appearances. Not sure why, but they do.

Folks, if you can't tell this is a bad movie, lemme rephrase the above paragraphs: it's an UWE BOLL FILM. While the movie was still bad in many parts, it did have its moments. Michelle Rodriguez could really play a female warlord, if such a part was written for her. You already know that Ben Kingsley is above this, so he's really there for the paycheck and competing with Billy Zane for the title "King of All Hams". Michael Madsen is rocking the mullet extra-hard, and mumbling his lines. With all this going on, you'll still learn that Meat Loaf will do anything for love--even show up in an Uwe Boll film. Herr Direktor is also learning to ape better movies, like the expansive shots that copy from Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings. All good and positive things on the set of Bloodrayne. And then there's Miss Loken.
Nothing bad comes from her; she works with the material given. It's just that I really had my heart set on her becoming an action "It Girl" after her performance in "Mortal Kombat: Conquest". To see her in this movie, fighting with crap swords and wearing straight-leg pants in the 18th Century just made my skin crawl. She could do so much better. Hell, the movie could've been so much better. Then came the boob. Note the singular form of 'boobs' in the last sentence.
There is a sex scene in BloodRayne that is so horribly shoehorned into the movie that as erotic as it could have been (much better than Alone in the Dark but nowhere near Queen of the Damned), it was laughable. Not saying that having a dhampir rock your world in an underground prison is a laughing matter, just that character development would have helped this to be an even better bad movie.

Movie Review - Alone in the Dark (2005)

(Note: this movie review is a re-post from my earlier website, and this review is posted out of chronological order.  Let's be honest, if you're reading this site you've seen Bloodrayne. If you haven't, you may see the review here.)

Opening narration with text is usually the hallmark of a bad, bad movie. Now don't get me wrong; there are certain genres and films that need an opening text scroll, like Red Sonja or the Star Wars films. This movie is nowhere near any of those classics.
When I looked at the poster and its piss-poor attempt to rip-off the Alien series, I knew it would suck. Hell, I knew it would suck when I heard about this movie being filmed when I last reported on it in House of the Dead. And yet I STILL went and saw it. After I vowed to never see another movie directed or produced by Uwe Boll (he and 8 other people are responsible for producing this, proving that too many cooks spoil the broth), I found out that his next movie is Bloodrayne, based on a game my buddy Ted play-tested. I wasn't interested until the cast was revealed and I learned that Kristanna Loken was in it.
If you have ever seen the TV show "Mortal Kombat: Conquest" on the cable network USA in the mid-90's, you would've seen the aforementioned Miss Loken fight alongside Liu Kang's ancestor, Kung Lao. She played the role of Taja the thief, a spunky red-haired woman with a penchant for being disrobed 45 minutes into the hour-long show. With techno music blaring and superfluous flips abound, the show was a visual treat as well as a hilarious time-killer. It's not high drama, much like my favorite evening soap of all time, "Models, Inc."  Back to Miss Loken: She has been cast as the titular character in Mr. Boll's upcoming movie & I can only hope she shows her boobs in this movie. Sadly, it's only two of three reasons I'll go see Bloodrayne; the third being Michelle Rodriguez . So weep for me, for I have fallen into the hypnotic maelstrom of madness that is Uwe Boll...and boobs.

Alone in the Dark is based on the video game that chronicles the life of paranormal investigator and monster hunter Edward Carnby. He was a test subject in a secret experiment when he was an orphan. He got away before anything really bad could happen and grew up to be Christian Slater. Hunting down the monsters in this movie is tough work, because they are from the opposing shadow dimension to which a door was opened 1000 years prior by the Abskani Indians. The Abskani disappeared and left behind only fragments of their civilization, for future grave-robbers to disturb and unleash the necessary plot.
Such is the nature of Professor Hudgens (Matthew Walker), a mad doctor who miraculously came across a gold sarcophagus of Abskani design on the ocean floor. Unfortunately, he had the misfortune to hire greedy sailors(good help is so hard to find) and they let shadow monsters loose.
Meanwhile at Random Museum of Ancient History, archaeology assistant Aline Cedrac (Tara Reid) prepares and catalogs Prof. Hudgens' discoveries. Suddenly, Ed Carnby shows up. The movie starts to REALLY suck from that point on, because the monsters start to show up in force, all slithery and feral with lots of sharp bony protrusions. The problem with that is the monsters are supposed to be invisible. So how can we know so much about invisible monsters?
Enter "the Agency": a government organization that tracks and hunts the supernatural--namely the shadow monsters in this movie. This organization has six prominent members:

• the antagonistic Commander Burke (Stephen Dorff),
• forensics expert Fischer (Frank C. Turner),
• tough-talkin' Agent Cheung (martial artist/stunt-woman Francoise Yip),
• ill-fated Agent Marko (martial artist Ho Sung Pak),
• Agent Feenstra (Ona Grauer), who dies an awesome death by the way, and
• technical expert "Krash" (Catherine Lough Haggquist), whose sole skill is twisting in her chair between computers.

The big, stupid conflict  is that Hudgens plans to release the invisible monsters from ther nether-dimension, conveniently located beneath a farmhouse on "Shadow Island" or somesuch nonsense. It's up to Carnby, Alicia and Cmdr. Burke to essentially save the world by stopping an entire horde of the invisible beasties. Sure they can, but can they stop the tacked-on opening for a sequel? Can they survive the grand mal seizure that is the sex scene for at least "Seven Seconds"? Most importantly, can they stop Hollywood from funding yet another Uwe Boll masterpiece?

We all know the answer is no. Say farewell to the good movie, gone the way of the Abskani and every person who walked out in the middle of Alone in the Dark.

Movie Review - House of the Dead 2: Dead Aim (2005)

I now write this notice to all that read this review: I am making a special place for Uwe Boll on this site. Once I see enough movies of his, I will formally link them all together into a series and call it the "Uwe Boll Directorial Collection." Now some would think that this is my way of showing everyone how much Herr Direktor sucks; far from it.
After the recent news he's garnered about challenging all of his critics to a boxing match, I gave him a bit more respect. I seriously thought about going up to Canada and doing it. But, you know, uh...I had to work. My move to set this collection up stems from watching the direct sequel to House of the Dead, the made-for-TV movie House of the Dead 2: Dead Aim. The existence of this film proves one thing without a shadow of a doubt: Uwe Boll's bad movies are NOT his fault!

Impressively enough, the story of this film picks up where the last one left off. Big whoop, because it shows the ghoulish Professor Curien (Sid Haig) running over a sorority girl at CVU (Curriculum Vitae University?). He gets her to a lab and injects her with a serum to bring back the dead. This serum is made from the blood of his dead son's zombified girlfiend Alicia (Danielle Burgio). It works and he gets bit. The zombie sorority girl runs off to infect the campus, and the professor runs off to feed in the streets. Luckily, he soon finds a chef on break at a fancy restaurant and bites him. Too bad the chef was cooking food for our main character.

Dr. Alex Morgan (Emmanuelle Vaugier) hunts zombies full-time for the government, but she's having a dinner date tonight. Naturally she has to kill anyone that gets bitten. With the mood over, she teams up with Lt. Ellis (Ed Quinn) to give her report to their mutual superior at HQ...Col. Jordan Casper (Ellie Cornell), the Coast Guard lady from the previous movie. She's all promoted and crippled now, so we can forgive her for DYING in the first movie. What I will not let slide is the name used to describe zombies. Prepare yourselves. The new scientific zombie name is...hyper sapiens.

HYPER. SAPIENS. This term alone proves that Uwe Boll (AKA "Herr Direktor"), is officially cleared of all charges levied and vendettas drawn. I now levy those same charges against one Mark Altman(the writer for All Soul's Day: Dia de los Muertos and the predecessor to this movie). Blame cannot fall upon the director of this film, former ISKA Kickboxing Champion Mike Hurst(director of Pumpkinhead IV) for obvious reasons. With the weight now shifted, we can continue with the review.
So you know, Col. Casper rounds up "Special" Forces soldiers, led by Sgt. Dalton (Sticky Fingaz) and featuring the level-headed Lt. Henson (Victoria Pratt) , along with several faceless and mentally retarded soldiers. Most of these soldiers weed themselves out of the movie by exhibiting traits of Darwin Award winners in the face of the undead. This leaves us with lovely Alex and Lt. Ellis to retrieve a blood sample from a first-generation zombie (that's Alicia for those not keeping track) to use in a cure for zombification. Alex's goal is to relegate zombie outbreaks, and I quote:

"...to the history books, like the bubonic plague and AIDS."

OK, "hyper sapiens" is pretty laughable writing, but this smacks of unchecked audacity. There's one catch to finding the blood sample: our heroes only have until 0700 to get away from CVU before the cruise missiles wipe the quarantined campus off the map. Given that there was no indication of what time the mission started for the viewer's sake, there was no real tension built on that point. That was filled in by the crappy luck of having to go back to get another blood sample after losing the first and second samples. Forced to go in a third time, Alex and Ellis do the smartest thing in the movie. They say "screw this" and head for Los Angeles, a shot which bears a mark of "inspiration"[read: copying] from the shot of Manchester in 28 Days Later.

Well, at least this movie had some nudity in it.

CHOICE CUTS

• There was that one dude who used martial arts on a zombie, much like Liberty in the prior movie. Just like her, he died...yet she looked much better doing it. 
• So everyone has Kevlar body armor, except for Dr. Morgan, who wears BMX/paintball armor. And yet, she survives where no one else would. 
• The beginning of the movie shows you that it's 29 days after CVU was to be quarantined. Danny Boyle reference aside, I make use of the term "to be" to illustrate that the zombies were not quarantined in any way. Which means the town where Alex had her date would be ripe with zombies, and that she wouldn't have time for a date.
• Wow. Looking at that last Choice Cut made me realize that this movie sucks so bad, it's making me suck.
• God rest the souls or the policemen who fought to keep the zombies contained in the basement.
• Did they not have a protective coat for that sample vial to stop it from breaking?
• It seems that the director thought it would be funny to post items in the dorm rooms of CVU to reference the actors. Look for a poster of the TV show "Mutant X" cast and a poster of a Femme Fatale magazine cover featuring the girls of Blade: Trinity.
• OK, so if this disease is bloodborne, how is it that the characters can wash themselves off in a sink? Or wipe the blood away with bare hands, PAST THEIR MOUTH? Just nasty.
• Negroes dying. Wouldn't be a horror movie unless that happened.

PRICELESS QUOTES:
After smearing himself with zombie guts to mask his scent and infecting himself at the same time, Lt. Ellis heads out open a grate to provide access to an exit. Upon stepping out into the hall and faced with potentially angry zombies, he says:

What the hell was I thinking?

Prof. Curien laments how zombie Alicia won't give him the secret to bringing back the dead. See if you can find the Uwe Boll reference.

I need your help to make that serum work, but you've left me... (wait for it) ...ALONE IN THE DARK.

You know, so much about this movie was wrong, from the poorly written tough talk and one-liners, to the entire production actually happening. Despite these opinions, I've found so much to like about the circumstances surrounding the movie. Now that I see it wasn't Herr Direktor's fault, I'll watch his movies with open hands and not closed fists. I extend my hand in truce, Mr. Boll, upon the conditions that you continue to make movies and that I stop asking for the end of your career. 

RATING: 0/10

Movie Review - House of the Dead (2003)

This is a story of three men and a woman: George Romero, Dr. Rudolph Curien, Milla Jovovich and Uwe Boll. George Romero is responsible for making the seminal zombie movie of the 20th Century, Night of the Living Dead(1968). The video game company CAPCOM, responsible for such classics as Power Stone and Mega Man 2, created a game based on the zombie lore provided by Night of the Living Dead. The game was called Resident Evil (called Biohazard in Japan) and in its advertisements the term "survival horror" was coined. Sega thought they could one-up CAPCOM and decided to make a first-person shooter about survival horror and called it The House of the Dead--a house full of zombies created by Dr. Rudolph Curien. The movie industry--looking for movies to make but not bothering to write them--snapped up Resident Evil and turned it into the 2002 movie of the same name starring Milla Jovovich and directed by Paul Anderson. Uwe Boll, a German director, saw how well properties from different entertainment media were doing as movies--the Lord of the Rings trilogy and X-Men used as peripheral examples, but Resident Evil as the main focus. He figured that if Paul Anderson can make a movie about a zombie video game, why can't he? The ultimate combination of these four people--specifically the fourth--have given us the most horrible movie I have ever had the displeasure of watching: House of the Dead.

 

Our story opens up on a group of twenty-something teenagers going to a rave on a deserted island called "La Isla del Morte" or some shit like that. They miss the ferry to the island, but hitch a ride with gun-running Captain Kirk(Jurgen Prochnow, Das Boot, Ridley Scott's Dune) and his first mate Salish(the infamous Clint Howard, Apollo 13, Barb Wire). The teens are all flat stereotypes, per the norm:

• Simon (Tyron Leitso) the dumb, sensitive one
• Greg (Will Sanderson) the dumber one
• Cynthia (Sonya Salomaa) the slutty one
• Karma (Enuka Vanessa Okuma) the silly black chick
• Alicia (Ona Grauer) the hot fencing champion--whatever--and girlfriend to one of the dumb guys.

All these people are now unwitting accomplices to Kirk's gun-running and they are all chased by Coast Guard operative Jordan Casper (Ellie Cornell). They end up on the island after all and find the rave. It's deserted, but the beer is still fresh. While they drink and explore the island, zombies are stalking their every move. They eventually run afoul of said zombies and do what any other person would do: they run inland to get surrounded by zombies. 

They find a small house in the middle of a graveyard, where the survivors of the rave massacre are holed up. One of them had a video account of the carnage on his camera. They all look and see the impossible on the screen: zombies are killing stoned ravers left, right and center. The kids all assume the best course of action is to get off the island. True, but there are ninja zombies about. No matter: they'll just run past them like before. The kids make it to Capt. Kirk's boat and try to get away, but are held up by zombies. I think. At some point, they go back to get Capt. Kirk's stash of weapons on the island to save the three people left behind in the graveyard house - those being Alicia's ex-boyfriend Rudy(Jonathan Cherry, They, Final Destination 2), Hugh(Michael Eklund, Stark Raving Mad) and Rudy's new girlfriend Liberty(Kira Clavell, My Baby's Daddy). It's a stupid idea when faced with legions of ninja-like undead and most of your protagonists have never touched a gun, but I didn't write this. Thank God.
Somehow most of them survive the horribly choreographed yet still interesting gun battle, only to retreat deeper into the house. The house has tunnels and crap that leads to a zombie-filled labyrinth that leads to a secret lab housing an interesting plot twist: the reanimated corpse of a mad 17th Century priest turned mad scientist by the name of Castillo(David Palffy, Replicant, Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever). There's some exposition and a swordfight between Castillo and Alicia. Both of them die and the only survivor - Rudolph "Rudy" Curien - is rescued by the Coast Guard. He goes to med school with the knowledge of Castillo's previous work and the dead body of Alicia, hoping to rekindle her life with the knowledge of undeath. Within the last two minutes of House of the Dead, you learn that this entire movie was a prequel to the video game.

Please make the hurting stop.

CHOICE CUTS

• Kira Clavell as Liberty and Penny Phang as Tyranny. A double dose of sexy Asians? This is great but not nearly as awesome as Fook Mi and Fook Yu, the Japanese twins from Austin Powers in Goldmember.
• Kira Clavell's Liberty fighting zombies with kung fu. I know she's the only main Asian in the movie, but just to see her high kick in her American flag spandex bodysuit was my highlight.
• I'd just like to state for the record that Kira Clavell is a raging hottie. Maybe it's my yellow fever. Who knows?
• Ah! I see Enuka Okuma has some work! It's been a long time since she played Kelly. It's a shame the people who worked on the teen drama "Fifteen"[TV] replaced her with Arseman. C'mon, who gets replaced by a person whose name begins with 'arse'?
• BIF NAKED! She's only on screen for seconds at a time, but I remember her distinctive look: tattoos, tank top, cargo pants and a jet-black bob to contrast her blue eyes and shiny piercings. One in a million, that Bif. If only she had some lines�
• I wonder if this movie is where the new Dawn of the Dead (2004) got its idea for "fast zombies'.

PRICELESS QUOTES
When I first heard about this movie, I was counting the days 'til it opened. I thought it was going to rock. When I would talk on the phone with my buddy Jim, I'd always say the same thing at certain intervals:

"Hey Jim."
"What, Swat."
[mouth on phone receiver]"THE HOUSE...OF THE DEAD"
"Okay, Swat."

This is what I say now when I talk about Uwe Boll:

"I BETTER NOT RUN INTO UWE BOLL ON THE STREET, 'CUZ I'LL END UP GOING TO JAIL!!!"

When speaking about House of the Dead, my past, present and future selves agree on a few things:

• House of the Dead sucks and should get a rating of 0, but it will get a rating of 1 because of Kira Clavell's portrayal of Liberty.
• The making of this movie qualifies as a crime against humanity, and I do not use this term lightly.
• Uwe Boll should be locked up and put under the jail until he learns to make a better movie.
• All who saw House of the Dead IN THE THEATERS should have the option of two things:
  1. a refund of their money spent on a ticket for the film
  2. a reissue of any free movie coupons used to see this film
• In addition to the compensation above, each person should receive a written apology for making House of the Dead signed and dated by Uwe Boll.
• Uwe Boll should present a public apology for making House of the Dead, like Vincent Gallo did for making The Brown Bunny.

We must depart this review on a sad note: director Uwe Boll, the man responsible for House of the Dead, will soon strike again. He has cornered a market on video game movies and has completed the movie Alone in the Dark. Mr. Boll will also be working on the movie adaptations of Bloodrayne, Far Cry and the undead-hunting movie, Hunter: The Reckoning -- all slated for 2006.  May God have mercy on us all.

RATING: 1/10