Movie Review - Alone in the Dark (2005)

(Note: this movie review is a re-post from my earlier website, and this review is posted out of chronological order.  Let's be honest, if you're reading this site you've seen Bloodrayne. If you haven't, you may see the review here.)

Opening narration with text is usually the hallmark of a bad, bad movie. Now don't get me wrong; there are certain genres and films that need an opening text scroll, like Red Sonja or the Star Wars films. This movie is nowhere near any of those classics.
When I looked at the poster and its piss-poor attempt to rip-off the Alien series, I knew it would suck. Hell, I knew it would suck when I heard about this movie being filmed when I last reported on it in House of the Dead. And yet I STILL went and saw it. After I vowed to never see another movie directed or produced by Uwe Boll (he and 8 other people are responsible for producing this, proving that too many cooks spoil the broth), I found out that his next movie is Bloodrayne, based on a game my buddy Ted play-tested. I wasn't interested until the cast was revealed and I learned that Kristanna Loken was in it.
If you have ever seen the TV show "Mortal Kombat: Conquest" on the cable network USA in the mid-90's, you would've seen the aforementioned Miss Loken fight alongside Liu Kang's ancestor, Kung Lao. She played the role of Taja the thief, a spunky red-haired woman with a penchant for being disrobed 45 minutes into the hour-long show. With techno music blaring and superfluous flips abound, the show was a visual treat as well as a hilarious time-killer. It's not high drama, much like my favorite evening soap of all time, "Models, Inc."  Back to Miss Loken: She has been cast as the titular character in Mr. Boll's upcoming movie & I can only hope she shows her boobs in this movie. Sadly, it's only two of three reasons I'll go see Bloodrayne; the third being Michelle Rodriguez . So weep for me, for I have fallen into the hypnotic maelstrom of madness that is Uwe Boll...and boobs.

Alone in the Dark is based on the video game that chronicles the life of paranormal investigator and monster hunter Edward Carnby. He was a test subject in a secret experiment when he was an orphan. He got away before anything really bad could happen and grew up to be Christian Slater. Hunting down the monsters in this movie is tough work, because they are from the opposing shadow dimension to which a door was opened 1000 years prior by the Abskani Indians. The Abskani disappeared and left behind only fragments of their civilization, for future grave-robbers to disturb and unleash the necessary plot.
Such is the nature of Professor Hudgens (Matthew Walker), a mad doctor who miraculously came across a gold sarcophagus of Abskani design on the ocean floor. Unfortunately, he had the misfortune to hire greedy sailors(good help is so hard to find) and they let shadow monsters loose.
Meanwhile at Random Museum of Ancient History, archaeology assistant Aline Cedrac (Tara Reid) prepares and catalogs Prof. Hudgens' discoveries. Suddenly, Ed Carnby shows up. The movie starts to REALLY suck from that point on, because the monsters start to show up in force, all slithery and feral with lots of sharp bony protrusions. The problem with that is the monsters are supposed to be invisible. So how can we know so much about invisible monsters?
Enter "the Agency": a government organization that tracks and hunts the supernatural--namely the shadow monsters in this movie. This organization has six prominent members:

• the antagonistic Commander Burke (Stephen Dorff),
• forensics expert Fischer (Frank C. Turner),
• tough-talkin' Agent Cheung (martial artist/stunt-woman Francoise Yip),
• ill-fated Agent Marko (martial artist Ho Sung Pak),
• Agent Feenstra (Ona Grauer), who dies an awesome death by the way, and
• technical expert "Krash" (Catherine Lough Haggquist), whose sole skill is twisting in her chair between computers.

The big, stupid conflict  is that Hudgens plans to release the invisible monsters from ther nether-dimension, conveniently located beneath a farmhouse on "Shadow Island" or somesuch nonsense. It's up to Carnby, Alicia and Cmdr. Burke to essentially save the world by stopping an entire horde of the invisible beasties. Sure they can, but can they stop the tacked-on opening for a sequel? Can they survive the grand mal seizure that is the sex scene for at least "Seven Seconds"? Most importantly, can they stop Hollywood from funding yet another Uwe Boll masterpiece?

We all know the answer is no. Say farewell to the good movie, gone the way of the Abskani and every person who walked out in the middle of Alone in the Dark.

Movie Review - House of the Dead 2: Dead Aim (2005)

I now write this notice to all that read this review: I am making a special place for Uwe Boll on this site. Once I see enough movies of his, I will formally link them all together into a series and call it the "Uwe Boll Directorial Collection." Now some would think that this is my way of showing everyone how much Herr Direktor sucks; far from it.
After the recent news he's garnered about challenging all of his critics to a boxing match, I gave him a bit more respect. I seriously thought about going up to Canada and doing it. But, you know, uh...I had to work. My move to set this collection up stems from watching the direct sequel to House of the Dead, the made-for-TV movie House of the Dead 2: Dead Aim. The existence of this film proves one thing without a shadow of a doubt: Uwe Boll's bad movies are NOT his fault!

Impressively enough, the story of this film picks up where the last one left off. Big whoop, because it shows the ghoulish Professor Curien (Sid Haig) running over a sorority girl at CVU (Curriculum Vitae University?). He gets her to a lab and injects her with a serum to bring back the dead. This serum is made from the blood of his dead son's zombified girlfiend Alicia (Danielle Burgio). It works and he gets bit. The zombie sorority girl runs off to infect the campus, and the professor runs off to feed in the streets. Luckily, he soon finds a chef on break at a fancy restaurant and bites him. Too bad the chef was cooking food for our main character.

Dr. Alex Morgan (Emmanuelle Vaugier) hunts zombies full-time for the government, but she's having a dinner date tonight. Naturally she has to kill anyone that gets bitten. With the mood over, she teams up with Lt. Ellis (Ed Quinn) to give her report to their mutual superior at HQ...Col. Jordan Casper (Ellie Cornell), the Coast Guard lady from the previous movie. She's all promoted and crippled now, so we can forgive her for DYING in the first movie. What I will not let slide is the name used to describe zombies. Prepare yourselves. The new scientific zombie name is...hyper sapiens.

HYPER. SAPIENS. This term alone proves that Uwe Boll (AKA "Herr Direktor"), is officially cleared of all charges levied and vendettas drawn. I now levy those same charges against one Mark Altman(the writer for All Soul's Day: Dia de los Muertos and the predecessor to this movie). Blame cannot fall upon the director of this film, former ISKA Kickboxing Champion Mike Hurst(director of Pumpkinhead IV) for obvious reasons. With the weight now shifted, we can continue with the review.
So you know, Col. Casper rounds up "Special" Forces soldiers, led by Sgt. Dalton (Sticky Fingaz) and featuring the level-headed Lt. Henson (Victoria Pratt) , along with several faceless and mentally retarded soldiers. Most of these soldiers weed themselves out of the movie by exhibiting traits of Darwin Award winners in the face of the undead. This leaves us with lovely Alex and Lt. Ellis to retrieve a blood sample from a first-generation zombie (that's Alicia for those not keeping track) to use in a cure for zombification. Alex's goal is to relegate zombie outbreaks, and I quote:

"...to the history books, like the bubonic plague and AIDS."

OK, "hyper sapiens" is pretty laughable writing, but this smacks of unchecked audacity. There's one catch to finding the blood sample: our heroes only have until 0700 to get away from CVU before the cruise missiles wipe the quarantined campus off the map. Given that there was no indication of what time the mission started for the viewer's sake, there was no real tension built on that point. That was filled in by the crappy luck of having to go back to get another blood sample after losing the first and second samples. Forced to go in a third time, Alex and Ellis do the smartest thing in the movie. They say "screw this" and head for Los Angeles, a shot which bears a mark of "inspiration"[read: copying] from the shot of Manchester in 28 Days Later.

Well, at least this movie had some nudity in it.

CHOICE CUTS

• There was that one dude who used martial arts on a zombie, much like Liberty in the prior movie. Just like her, he died...yet she looked much better doing it. 
• So everyone has Kevlar body armor, except for Dr. Morgan, who wears BMX/paintball armor. And yet, she survives where no one else would. 
• The beginning of the movie shows you that it's 29 days after CVU was to be quarantined. Danny Boyle reference aside, I make use of the term "to be" to illustrate that the zombies were not quarantined in any way. Which means the town where Alex had her date would be ripe with zombies, and that she wouldn't have time for a date.
• Wow. Looking at that last Choice Cut made me realize that this movie sucks so bad, it's making me suck.
• God rest the souls or the policemen who fought to keep the zombies contained in the basement.
• Did they not have a protective coat for that sample vial to stop it from breaking?
• It seems that the director thought it would be funny to post items in the dorm rooms of CVU to reference the actors. Look for a poster of the TV show "Mutant X" cast and a poster of a Femme Fatale magazine cover featuring the girls of Blade: Trinity.
• OK, so if this disease is bloodborne, how is it that the characters can wash themselves off in a sink? Or wipe the blood away with bare hands, PAST THEIR MOUTH? Just nasty.
• Negroes dying. Wouldn't be a horror movie unless that happened.

PRICELESS QUOTES:
After smearing himself with zombie guts to mask his scent and infecting himself at the same time, Lt. Ellis heads out open a grate to provide access to an exit. Upon stepping out into the hall and faced with potentially angry zombies, he says:

What the hell was I thinking?

Prof. Curien laments how zombie Alicia won't give him the secret to bringing back the dead. See if you can find the Uwe Boll reference.

I need your help to make that serum work, but you've left me... (wait for it) ...ALONE IN THE DARK.

You know, so much about this movie was wrong, from the poorly written tough talk and one-liners, to the entire production actually happening. Despite these opinions, I've found so much to like about the circumstances surrounding the movie. Now that I see it wasn't Herr Direktor's fault, I'll watch his movies with open hands and not closed fists. I extend my hand in truce, Mr. Boll, upon the conditions that you continue to make movies and that I stop asking for the end of your career. 

RATING: 0/10