Video Game Review - Culdcept (2003 - Sony Playtation2)

There was a time, before Yu-Gi-Oh, when a collectible card game captured the socially disenfranchised youth of America with a magic wholly unrelated to the bond between a boy and his electric rat. Before that, another game made a point about how capitalism rocks the world through the mighty power of the thimble. For the record, I love the former and hate the latter of the two games described. The mish-mash of the two games, Culdcept, is an even-handed merger of the two.

From what's gleaned in the opening animation, the game employs grand artwork from some Japanese fantasy artists to tell the story of the goddess Culdra and her book Culdcept--translated as "the book of creation" in some language. There's some bullshit about how people on the world she lords over used the cards in the book (those people are called Cepters) to wage wars and, if they get the entire book, can become a GOD.

Cue the plot: There's a rogue Cepter called Geminigh going about destroying all the worlds previously created by other Cepters, prompting Culdra to send her magic cane (it talks!) to search for the Chosen One™ who will defeat the evil Geminigh. Naturally, that person is you.

With a cast of characters sure to make you laugh (by their trash talk and animated sprites alone), Culdcept ain't nothin' but the love child of Magic: the Gathering and Monopoly. Whether you win or lose, you get cards (spells, artifacts and creatures with perks like First Strike and a better version of Magic's Banding called Support). The lands on the Monopoly-like game board (with permutations) provide you with the magic needed to cast, but it needs to be occupied, much like the little green houses in Monopoly. When a chain of lands of the same element is obtained, the price of the lands goes up and the person who stops on your land must pay in magic. If they can't pay, they've got to sacrifice their lands or stocks until they can pay and be in the black while achieving a set number of gross or total magic.

Speaking of black, this game is a lot like Magic: The Gathering, but is missing the black mana of swamps and artifact creatures. Where Magic's white mana is now yellow and representative of wind, both the artifact and black creatures are mixed into a color category called Neutral. Hardly a compromise, considering that black cards are not neutral in any way.

Culdcept can get real cheap on you sometimes; you'll start out good and lose it all. Other times you'll have no creature cards--this game's 'Mulligan'--and have to walk the board discarding until you inevitably come out on top. This is an example of the game's many virtues. Culdcept allows you to have up to 10 different books of cards to battle with, giving you the opportunity to alter the 50 card deck you have or to switch between decks you've created. The game keeps stats on your battles and allows you to fight Cepters you've already beaten in Story Mode (one of 4 modes of play) for practice AND more cards to complete the entire collection. You can even trade cards via the Import/Export option with PS2 Memory cards. It's almost as though they thought of everything; sadly, they didn't. This game has one real problem: the game option 'Suspend". Suspend is the game's version of Battle Save or QuickSave, but not really. While those features in other games just stop the game to be resumed at a later time, Suspend does that and fucks you over by not giving you cards, gallery images or medals whether you win or lose. This can be a problem when you have interruptions that requre you to leave the house, barring your wanton waste of electricity.

Ultimately, this game is awesome and damn-near perfect, but only for those with nothing better to do during the summer. If you do choose to buy or rent it, prepare to surprise yourself by the speed you'll learn the game of Culdcept.

Movie Review - Underworld (2003)

Disappointment  strikes once again in this movie about vampires and werewolves, an idea that shouldn't have ended in the review you are about to read. Billed as a "modern-day occult Romeo and Juliet" for stupid people who can't make their decisions on anythin' else other than a big shot reviewer's decision (that's why I'm bush league, folks!), this movie let me down. I'll explain why.

We all saw the awesome-as-hell trailer, right? Some Trinity-like chick walking off a tower and landing safely in mid-stride, vampires vamping about, lots of silver and leather and GUNS, the "Gun Dance" (she shoots a hole in the floor with her guns to get to the next floor down) and the darkest rainiest city this side of Seattle. All of this is captured in the limited palette of blue filter. Holy moley, this oughta be awesome!

Nope. It's silly, but not awesome.

It was a bit of a stretch to believe this movie when I believe Blade and its sequel pretty much covered this whole thing. But the story has to be heard in order to start to make sense, and I say that because I didn't have access to the script like some folks do. So here's the story, as covered in the prequel, Underworld: Rise of the Lycans:
Vampires and their eternal enemies, the "Lycans" (read: werewolves) have been fighting a war for over 1000 years. They have graduated from swords, fangs and claws to more modern weapons, like UV bullets for the werewolves and silver/silver nitrate bullets for the vampires. It takes place on the streets of generic Eastern European cities and everything is fair game. Rarely does the bullet hit the target in this movie, kinda like in G.I. JOE. I think that's why the Immortals' War has raged for so long; soldiers on either side can't hit the broad side of a barn. The only exception to this rule is the main character Selene (Kate Beckinsale). She's a "Death-Dealer" and dresses in flattering rubber suits that show off her butt, but then she covers it up with a big duster jacket/vampire cape. And GUNS. She does all the cool stuff mentioned in the aforementioned trailer and not much else except strike a bad-ass silhouette in the sewers and subways of [Eastern European city]. When she's done with that, she goes home to the Vampire Coven.

The Vampire Coven houses all the vampires in the local clan, who vamp about and scheme and drink and ponder the direction of the next Marilyn Manson album. Selene is the only vampire that gives a damn about this war, as opposed to the new clan leader, Kraven (Shane Brolly). Kraven likes Selene but not her attitude. Thus the two are always at odds: Kraven ordering Selene to do stupid things and Selene disobeying him, deferring to another's judgement or behavior. The two cut a decent picture of modern relationships in the Western world. Which brings us to the third man in our love quartet, Michael Corvin (Scott Speedman).
An intern at St. Istvan's Hospital and an unknowing descendant of 13th Century man Corvinus (the only person to be infected by an unknown plague who didn't die), he is a valuable commodity in the Immortals' War. He holds the key to completing a vampire-werewolf hybrid that is stronger than the two in all respects. This holds no interest to the vampire (who consider such an abomination to their own evil...?), but is of great interest to the Lycans.
These are powerful Lycans, no longer tethered to the full moon to change. They're led by clan leader Lucien (Michael Sheen) and second-in-command Raze (Kevin Grevioux, co-writer of the story!), whom I have nicknamed "the Were-Negro." The whole clan of lycans is nothing but diry, Chechen rebel-looking fellows, leaving you to wonder if female Lycans exist (side note: they used to). Moving on: Lycans have been trying for years to find the descendant of Corvinus and have found it in Michael. So naturally they hunt him down to take him, but Selene gets him first--but not BEFORE Lucien bites him and infects him.

There's all this crap about how Selene loves Michael (after being with him for less than an hour) and vice versa. Naturally, Kraven doesn't like it, learns that Michael is gonna be a Lycan and orders him killed. Selene will also be punished by the Council for consorting with him. Selene then goes to the only person who will listen to her: Master Vampire Viktor (the prolific Bill Nighy). Viktor is believable as a Elder Vampire Lord, but he looks like a cross between a Todd McFarlane sculpture and a rejected sketch from Warcraft 3: Frozen Throne. I expected him to mess up and exclaim, "Glory to the Blood Elves!" one time, but no dice. Selene loves #4, I mean Viktor 'cuz she was "saved" by him from the Lycans that killed her family. Unfortunately, Viktor knows a lot of stuff that has already transpired by some weird blood/memory transfusion thing, particularly the plot between Lucien and Kraven to lift Kraven to the heights of Supreme Vampire Overlord at the expense of his fellow vampires and a tribute to the Lycans! Viktor also knows that Selene loves Michael and orders her to kill Michael. Ah, conflict.

In the end, there's a big fight scene involving Selene and GUNS--LOTS OF GUNS and a sword, Michael finally makes it to vampire/lycan hybrid status, Selene kills Viktor (!), Kraven kills Lucien and the Were-Negro lives through the whole thing. I think. This movie had only a few scenes that made me sit up briefly, and everything else made me say, "what a waste". At least I had my MST3K skills to get me through.
There are some points in this movie that pay no mind to lesser conventions of the involved mythical creatures--salvageable only by the memory of what vamps and Lycans should be. A werewolf can take on any vampire, sure why not. Said werewolf takes on multiple vampires in the dark? NO! Vampires having 3 infrared scopes on a gun when they should be able to see IN THE DARK? NO! Vampires that can't fly? NO! Werewolf women? NO!--I mean, yes, but...NO! A sequel? Two of them, which ramp up the cheese factor with every release.

Holy moley, this movie let me down. It needs elements of what made The Crow and The Craft become embraced by Goth culture in general. Most of all, the creators need to give credit to White Wolf Gaming Studio for ripping off Vampire: the Requiem and Werewolf: the Apocalypse in DVD releases.

Movie Review - House of the Dead (2003)

This is a story of three men and a woman: George Romero, Dr. Rudolph Curien, Milla Jovovich and Uwe Boll. George Romero is responsible for making the seminal zombie movie of the 20th Century, Night of the Living Dead(1968). The video game company CAPCOM, responsible for such classics as Power Stone and Mega Man 2, created a game based on the zombie lore provided by Night of the Living Dead. The game was called Resident Evil (called Biohazard in Japan) and in its advertisements the term "survival horror" was coined. Sega thought they could one-up CAPCOM and decided to make a first-person shooter about survival horror and called it The House of the Dead--a house full of zombies created by Dr. Rudolph Curien. The movie industry--looking for movies to make but not bothering to write them--snapped up Resident Evil and turned it into the 2002 movie of the same name starring Milla Jovovich and directed by Paul Anderson. Uwe Boll, a German director, saw how well properties from different entertainment media were doing as movies--the Lord of the Rings trilogy and X-Men used as peripheral examples, but Resident Evil as the main focus. He figured that if Paul Anderson can make a movie about a zombie video game, why can't he? The ultimate combination of these four people--specifically the fourth--have given us the most horrible movie I have ever had the displeasure of watching: House of the Dead.

 

Our story opens up on a group of twenty-something teenagers going to a rave on a deserted island called "La Isla del Morte" or some shit like that. They miss the ferry to the island, but hitch a ride with gun-running Captain Kirk(Jurgen Prochnow, Das Boot, Ridley Scott's Dune) and his first mate Salish(the infamous Clint Howard, Apollo 13, Barb Wire). The teens are all flat stereotypes, per the norm:

• Simon (Tyron Leitso) the dumb, sensitive one
• Greg (Will Sanderson) the dumber one
• Cynthia (Sonya Salomaa) the slutty one
• Karma (Enuka Vanessa Okuma) the silly black chick
• Alicia (Ona Grauer) the hot fencing champion--whatever--and girlfriend to one of the dumb guys.

All these people are now unwitting accomplices to Kirk's gun-running and they are all chased by Coast Guard operative Jordan Casper (Ellie Cornell). They end up on the island after all and find the rave. It's deserted, but the beer is still fresh. While they drink and explore the island, zombies are stalking their every move. They eventually run afoul of said zombies and do what any other person would do: they run inland to get surrounded by zombies. 

They find a small house in the middle of a graveyard, where the survivors of the rave massacre are holed up. One of them had a video account of the carnage on his camera. They all look and see the impossible on the screen: zombies are killing stoned ravers left, right and center. The kids all assume the best course of action is to get off the island. True, but there are ninja zombies about. No matter: they'll just run past them like before. The kids make it to Capt. Kirk's boat and try to get away, but are held up by zombies. I think. At some point, they go back to get Capt. Kirk's stash of weapons on the island to save the three people left behind in the graveyard house - those being Alicia's ex-boyfriend Rudy(Jonathan Cherry, They, Final Destination 2), Hugh(Michael Eklund, Stark Raving Mad) and Rudy's new girlfriend Liberty(Kira Clavell, My Baby's Daddy). It's a stupid idea when faced with legions of ninja-like undead and most of your protagonists have never touched a gun, but I didn't write this. Thank God.
Somehow most of them survive the horribly choreographed yet still interesting gun battle, only to retreat deeper into the house. The house has tunnels and crap that leads to a zombie-filled labyrinth that leads to a secret lab housing an interesting plot twist: the reanimated corpse of a mad 17th Century priest turned mad scientist by the name of Castillo(David Palffy, Replicant, Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever). There's some exposition and a swordfight between Castillo and Alicia. Both of them die and the only survivor - Rudolph "Rudy" Curien - is rescued by the Coast Guard. He goes to med school with the knowledge of Castillo's previous work and the dead body of Alicia, hoping to rekindle her life with the knowledge of undeath. Within the last two minutes of House of the Dead, you learn that this entire movie was a prequel to the video game.

Please make the hurting stop.

CHOICE CUTS

• Kira Clavell as Liberty and Penny Phang as Tyranny. A double dose of sexy Asians? This is great but not nearly as awesome as Fook Mi and Fook Yu, the Japanese twins from Austin Powers in Goldmember.
• Kira Clavell's Liberty fighting zombies with kung fu. I know she's the only main Asian in the movie, but just to see her high kick in her American flag spandex bodysuit was my highlight.
• I'd just like to state for the record that Kira Clavell is a raging hottie. Maybe it's my yellow fever. Who knows?
• Ah! I see Enuka Okuma has some work! It's been a long time since she played Kelly. It's a shame the people who worked on the teen drama "Fifteen"[TV] replaced her with Arseman. C'mon, who gets replaced by a person whose name begins with 'arse'?
• BIF NAKED! She's only on screen for seconds at a time, but I remember her distinctive look: tattoos, tank top, cargo pants and a jet-black bob to contrast her blue eyes and shiny piercings. One in a million, that Bif. If only she had some lines�
• I wonder if this movie is where the new Dawn of the Dead (2004) got its idea for "fast zombies'.

PRICELESS QUOTES
When I first heard about this movie, I was counting the days 'til it opened. I thought it was going to rock. When I would talk on the phone with my buddy Jim, I'd always say the same thing at certain intervals:

"Hey Jim."
"What, Swat."
[mouth on phone receiver]"THE HOUSE...OF THE DEAD"
"Okay, Swat."

This is what I say now when I talk about Uwe Boll:

"I BETTER NOT RUN INTO UWE BOLL ON THE STREET, 'CUZ I'LL END UP GOING TO JAIL!!!"

When speaking about House of the Dead, my past, present and future selves agree on a few things:

• House of the Dead sucks and should get a rating of 0, but it will get a rating of 1 because of Kira Clavell's portrayal of Liberty.
• The making of this movie qualifies as a crime against humanity, and I do not use this term lightly.
• Uwe Boll should be locked up and put under the jail until he learns to make a better movie.
• All who saw House of the Dead IN THE THEATERS should have the option of two things:
  1. a refund of their money spent on a ticket for the film
  2. a reissue of any free movie coupons used to see this film
• In addition to the compensation above, each person should receive a written apology for making House of the Dead signed and dated by Uwe Boll.
• Uwe Boll should present a public apology for making House of the Dead, like Vincent Gallo did for making The Brown Bunny.

We must depart this review on a sad note: director Uwe Boll, the man responsible for House of the Dead, will soon strike again. He has cornered a market on video game movies and has completed the movie Alone in the Dark. Mr. Boll will also be working on the movie adaptations of Bloodrayne, Far Cry and the undead-hunting movie, Hunter: The Reckoning -- all slated for 2006.  May God have mercy on us all.

RATING: 1/10