I saw a photo in an issue of EMPIRE Magazine several years ago, and it made me wonder: is Gemma Arterton the next Kate Beckinsale? I sincerely hoped so. She has a nice face and that deadpan British accent that makes almost anything she says sexy as hell. The photo also helped, as she was clad in tight butt-hugging leathers and holding a crossbow, standing next to some guy (later I found out he was Jeremy Renner, star of The Avengers, The Town and The Bourne Legacy). The photo was for a movie and it looked like an adventure in the same vein as Van Helsing--the type of movie set in Industrial period clothing but containing anachronisms, like sniper rifles with night-vision scopes or incendiary grenades. It looked like it might be steampunk, so I checked the name: HANSEL AND GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS.
That already sounded nuts, so I was waiting for a while to see this one. It was a similar situation when I was waiting for the American release of Solomon Kane: fucking unbearable. Eventually I got to watch this movie, and I did it in IMAX 3D! So how was it, you ask? It seems that too much anachronism can spoil what would otherwise be a good fantasy yarn.
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| "I noticed the script says you're a diabetic, Jeremy. Are you alright with that?" "No...but says here you headbutt a grown man with no blood on your forehead or bruising. You're as pale as a sheet Gemma; how is that--" "SOUNDS LEGIT; let's do it!" |
To start us off, this movie is a VERY loose adaptation of the Brothers Grimm fairy tale about two kids who find a candy house, are captured by the cannibal witch who lives inside, and kill her in their attempt to escape. Now these two kids have grown up to be Hansel (Jeremy Renner) and forward-thinking Gretel (Gemma Arterton), bounty-hunting the very supernatural creatures that mentally scarred them: witches. They have come across several gadgets in their quest to rid the world of witches, like Mossberg pump-action shotguns, Tasers, split-level axial transforming perpendicular crossbows (you have to see it to believe it), folding rifles, carousel-loaded hand cannons, and what may be a Gatling or Maxim gun. The most interesting part of the movie comes with Hansel and his "sugar sickness." It seems when the witch was trying to fatten Hansel up to eat him, she made him eat nothing but candy which made him sick. Now in his adult life Hansel must take an injection of serum every few hours or he dies. This makes Jeremy Renner's Hansel a diabetic hero (the first being Captain Novolin). It's a good thing to have a weakness for a hero that seems somewhat invincible in the film. Our heroine Gretel is not limited to such problems, and can fight without any real injury or hindrance.
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| Tenacious D says "THAT'S CALLED TEAM-WORK!" |
Hansel and Gretel (whose makeup never smears, not even the blood) earn the enmity of a witch named...Muriel (played by Famke Janssen of X-Men fame) who wants to save her kind from these traveling murderers by sacrificing 12 souls during the Blood Moon--one for each month--and also needs the heart of a great White Witch to complete the ritual that grants any witch that drinks the brew created from the blood of the sacrifices to become immune to fire permanently. A witch's enemies can tie her to the stake but she will not burn...totally worth the convoluted plan that can only happen once a year, I say. Throw in some forgettable characters/love interests and discarded plot threads and you have an action movie for the summer...strangely placed in January.
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| Cool guys (and girls) don't look at explosions as they walk away from them. Especially if they caused them. |
I don't know what the goal of Dead Snow director Tommy Wirkola was when he set out to make this movie, but it would seem he needed to hire a different editor. If he requested this cut, then he needs to fix it. The editing was all over the place, and clipped several establishing shots to shorten the running time. There were some problems, notably in the final battle sequence when Hansel drops his shotgun, Gretel comes in with a weapon and she is struck and drops it. The next shot is of Hansel's shotgun hitting the ground. The way that's ordered it looks like Gretel had Hansel's shotgun. This confused me, but not nearly as much as allowing an untrained person to handle a rapid fire machine gun in a crowd setting. It's a damned good way to get shot and give the witches what they want, but apparently not in this world. In any case, I expect a Director's Cut of this film, with all the stuff that should have gone in to fill in any problem issues. Other than that, a film that had great props and artwork but still needs a shine and polish to be complete.
RATING: 6/10
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