Friday, December 30, 2011

Movie Review: The Darkest Hour (2011)

After visiting the brother and his family, a friend called me and wanted to know if I wanted to hit the movies.  I said yeah, and we went.  Not a lot of movies to interest me this holiday season, the least of which was the new sci-fi movie The Darkest Hour.  It looked interesting in its own way, what with the INVISIBLE ALIENS and people being disintegrated with electricity, but it had some negative outlooks by way of this medium -- the Internet.  We went to see it anyway, and I was nonplussed.

So, we're supposed to believe that four Americans -- Sean (Emile Hirsch), his buddy Ben (Max Minghella), Anne (Rachael Taylor), and her personal assistant Natalie (Olivia Thirlby) -- and a Swedish guy named "Skyler" (Joel Kinnaman) are going to coincidentally be in the same bar in Moscow at the same time when aliens land and attack for mineral resources?  My ass.  Moscow is HUGE -- I've never been and it's common knowledge that it is not a one-saloon town.  These people hold up in the bar's basement and come out after spending almost five days with each other.  When they come out they make their way to nowhere in particular, wandering about and getting into close scrapes with the alien menace.
In their wanderings, they learn that the aliens can see creatures due to natural bio-electricity, and cannot see through glass (because it's an insulator.)  The INVISIBLE ALIENS can also be detected by laying down electrical devices -- they killed all the electricity in the city, they are the only source of it and give it off like dead skin.  When the streetlights come on, you better be on the way home.  While still out, they meet up with other survivors like Vika (Veronika Ozerova) and her mad scientist friend Sergei (Dato Bakhtadze).  On another jaunt, they meet up with the heavily-armored Alien Fighters led by Yuri (Artur Smolyaninov), who are able to weaken an alien to the point where they can kill it with a rocket launcher from my favorite character BORIS.
HALLO MY NAME
BORIS
I SHOOT ROCKET


BORIS (played by Vladimir Jaglich) has no lines.  He just shoots rockets. And that's all that matters.

Along the way, supporting actors die and a way is found to escape the carnage of Moscow for equally ruined parts of Earth.  The movie ends on an obviously dead note, promising a retaliatory response in the form of "This is how it begins".  I would have enjoyed the movie a bit better if this was in the same vein as Night Watch and Day Watch -- sci-fi movies with an all-Russian cast to better make sense of the movie as a whole. 
Why attack Earth for mineral resources when there are probably plenty of mineral-rich asteroids floating in space that don't have people who can develop microwave cannons to disrupt your shielding and kill you with rockets?  Then again, why would aliens who are allergic to water come to conquer a planet that's 75% water (Signs) or fail to do the research about microorganisms (War of the Worlds - almost all versions)?  It comes down to a simple fact: we want to win when we would most certainly lose (see Battle: Los Angeles).  In that way, The Darkest Hour is the "feel-good movie of the year."

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Video Game Review - Shinobi III: Return of the Ninja Master (1993 - Sega Genesis)

Ahh, ninjas. Ninjas are a grand breed of battler and nowhere is this more evident than in the world of video games. Why? Because someone overestimated their fighting skills a very long time ago, during the feudal eras of medieval Japan. With that placed, let's review the fourth installment of the Shinobi series, Shinobi III: Revenge of the Ninja Master.
Shinobi 3 is the fourth part in the saga because its predecessor, Shadow Dancer: The Secret of Shinobi, is truly the third installment. It's a much inferior game compared against Shinobi 3, due largely to the fact that you can be killed by getting shot IN THE FOOT. Well, at least you got a dog. Then again, I don't think you got any ninja magic. Oh yeah, and you can get shot in the foot and DIE. Needless to say, Shinobi 3 improves on all of that.

After the end of Shadow Dancer, it's implied that our ninja hero killed the crime lord Zeed. Like most good villains, Zeed didn't stay dead and reincarnated himself as a cyborg crime lord called Neo Zeed. He's got a bunch of people under his command in is quest to rule the world. Almost everyone is powerless in the face of Neo Zeed. Emphasis on almost.

Enter Joe Musashi, the hero in the Shinobi storyline. He's got plenty of improvements over his predecessors while retaining all of their good moves. Chief among those moves is his Diving Kick; a move so useful that you can fight a boss using this move alone and still not touch the ground for an obscene amount of time. Joe's a ninja you can like and well worth the time you play. The music is all goodness and light, a masterful use of whatever instrument was used to make it. And then there's the stages.

The stages are awesome. Many are generic, some are challenging, and many are just plain fun. Some stages require you to use a different mode of transportation. Hence, the second stage makes use of your ninja horse and its Diving Stomp. Yes, I did say NINJA HORSE. The fourth or fifth stage requires you to ride a jet-powered ninja surfboard. A little overboard, but it's necessary: the other choice was a ninja dolphin. I always catch myself uttering one of Tone Loc's lines from Surf Ninjas when I reach that stage: "Black men don't surf!"
When all is said and done, it's the final stage that makes you work for that win. Well, the win after you fight a boss that absolutely, positively wants you dead.

When it comes to the game as a whole, I believe it has a lot going for it. A much respected video game franchise, this time is one of the gems in Sega's crown. I have to say that this game doesn't get its rating, but deserves it beyond a shadow of a doubt.

RATING: 8/10

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Movie Review - Conan the Destroyer (1984)

When I think about the person I am today, I can definitely say that the world of the 1980s has shaped me a great deal. There was a bunch of good stuff on TV then, and you can find any of that stuff on the Internet on any old 80's webpage. What really sticks is the films of the day. I remember a lot of the movies that ushered me into being a big sci-fi and fantasy fan. I'll eventually end up naming them all at some point, but I want to focus on the fantasy films of the time that influenced me the most.
Many films fall into this number, but a choice few stick out as really good. Of this number, two of them star the Austrian bodybuilder-turned-actor Arnold Schwartzenegger.  One of the two is a sequel to the character movie that made him famous: Conan the Barbarian. The movie I speak of is Conan the Destroyer.

A lot of people think that Conan the Destroyer (callin' it "Conan 2") is crap and that it brings down the first movie, a grand work on its own. I have to disagree; this movie is the perfect spot for someone NOT familiar with the exploits of the Cimmerian to get acquainted INITIALLY. For those of the 'happily ever after' set, this was a believable hero on par with violent 80's hero Rambo. This was a vehicle in which Conan could be the 'good guy', be violent and do what good guys do: SAVE THE PRINCESS. With my previous sole knowledge of stories of heroes existing to save the princess, I was sold. After reading the last paragraph, I think it's time to give a brief synopsis of the movie Conan 2.

Conan and his thieving sidekick Malak (Tracy Walter) are captured at the grave of Valeria by soldiers of Queen Taramis (character actress Sarah Douglas). She hires the barbarian and his friend to escort one Princess Jehnna (a young Olivia d'Abo, in her first movie role) and her bodyguard Bombaata (basketball star Wilt Chamberlain) to find a jeweled horn for some kind of ritual. Upon mention of possible treasure, Conan agrees to take the job. On the way to find the jeweled horn, they meet the warrioress Zula (supermodel Grace Jones) and team up with the wizard Akiro (Japanese actor Mako) to make the job easier.
They'll fight many minions, wizards and insurmountable odds to reach their goal. Many in the party will level up from this mission, but will a prestige class be worth having to watch Arnold doing the grandest phallic flexes since Pumping Iron?
This movie introduced me to the concept of not having to be a knight to save a princess as well as not having to accept what anyone gives you, no matter how prestigious. This movie also taught me that princesses are ALWAYS naive and allowed me to form an opinion on women warriors before Red Sonja or Xena ever came around. This movie, a Dino de Laurentiis production, has not diminished with time; I still get goose bumps when they swim through the icy waters of the wizard's castle. It's a great movie that'll entertain even when the world laughs at the primitive special effects of the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

...but that is another story...

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Video Game Review - Crimson Tears (2004 - Sony Playstation2)

I am a big fan of the stuff that CAPCOM puts out. They have captured my attention since the days of Mega Man and Street Fighter 2010. I love their ideas and while I know that they only tolerate new ideas from the general poulace when making a new Mega Man villain, I'd still like to give them an idea or two. Here's my idea: make an action game in the vein of SEGA's Phantasy Star Online, but without the online part or the create-a-character part. It'd generally be a dungeon crawl, but without the crappiness of PK or online fees! It'd be brilliant!
Oh wait, they did that already? Crimson Tears? Never heard of it. Got to play it, and here's the review.

Set in futuristic cyberpunk Tokyo, three battle androids have escaped from a high-security facility because they stumbled on to some strange plot concocted by the evil corporation called ARMA. ARMA makes bio-weapons for the military, but something is amiss. The three rogue androids are out to put a stop to it, but they need to be stronger to do so. They set up camp in the city and traverse many levels to fight insane bosses to free not only themselves, but the entire city.
The three previously mentioned androids are Amber the ninja, Kadie the heavy blader and Tokio the gun master. Amber has dual melee weapon skills with swords and knives, but has poor hand-to-hand skills. Tokio can only use a few melee weapons, but he can use two guns at once a la Chow Yun-Fat. Despite Kadie's petite frame, she's the only one who can wield a buster sword. Their weapons, skills and combos can be upgraded to higher and higher levels and, in the case of weaponry, imbued with status effects or elemental effects. All of this is great and everything, but to give you just that would make the game far too easy to play. That's why the game designers decided to introduce the Heat Gauge.
The Heat Gauge measures how hot your android gets as it progresses through the game. When the gauge reaches maximum, the screen turns red and several things happen to your android. Your android can do max damage with every strike and runs twice as fast. While suffering from the status of being overheated(much different from the status effect "Overheat", which can be cured with "Overheat Cure" but not with "Coolant", which lowers your Heat Gauge and stops overheating), you take twice as much damage and your energy dwindles down to very little. If you're not careful, overheating can kill you. if you happen to survive a bout of overheating, your Heat Gauge will rest, but your HP meter will dwindle to 10% of max. It can be a bitch to keep your Heat Gauge down and your HP up and STILL have enough to deal with the enemies throughout the stages.

The enemies are where Crimson Tears really shines for me. I never thought that I would play a game where I'd fight not just ninjas and zombies, but zombie ninjas on top of that! Additionally, the enemies also level up along with you as the levels progress and eventually begin to use the same weapons you do. So, that scrubby soldier or robot you fought on stage 1 will be waiting for you on stage 4 and it'll have the strength to exact payback. And if you think that's tough, wait until you fight the Agent Smith-like "techno vampires" and the infamous "Mr. Black".
Bosses are strange and varied, and that's a good thing. From liquid ninjas to time-warping grim reapers, to the prerequisite evil characters with Biblical names [ex.: Abel and Eden] that are so common in Japanese sci-fi action, they all rock. That and they'll also mop the floor with you.
While quite entertaining when the enemy gets the drop on you, to the chore of getting every last item needed to create your ultimate weapon, Crimson Tears is not a game for the Madden and NBA Street set. Oddly, it CAN work for the Tekken set. Button-typing combos abound from this game, totally unrelated to the Konami game Crimson Sea or the Cliffhanger Comics title Crimson, but indirectly related to both Phantasy Star Online and the Ehrgeiz mini-game "The Forsaken Dungeon."


RATING: 8/10

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Cordoba Chronicles IV: Chapter 6

Groaning in response to the creaking of his bed, Rashad stretched the covers off of his body and got ready for another day of working at the construction yard. The sun’s rays shone on the edges of the windowsill to his room at the Stonesthrow Inn as he threw on his clothes and headed down stairs to get some breakfast. As he reached the bottom of the stairs, he heard a faint crying. He looked about the inn lobby and saw that it came from the shadowed tables on the opposite end. Rashad looked around to see if anyone else heard it. Most of the other people in the inn were wrapped up in breaking their fast, so he went over to the tables.

Rashad found a familiar figure sitting with her back to him. It’s Inia, Rashad thought with a smile. He heard the crying coming from her and asked, “Hey, miss. What’s wrong?”

Inia turned around and Rashad almost jumped back at what he saw. Inia was a deathly pallor, the tan skin replaced by a pale olive shade. Her body looked as though she suffered from some sickness, because her body looked askew beneath her clothes. Even her eyes, a bright and fierce gray-green, were reduced to an icy green and underlined by rings of fatigue. “Hey, Rashad,” the young woman’s voice rasped in greeting.

Rashad looked at her a bit longer and said, “Inia? Is that you?” As he reached out, he said, “What happened?”


She suddenly recoiled from his hand, as if it were a snake. “P-please, don’t touch me…”

Surprised by the request, Rashad acceded and sat down near her. “Alright, I won’t. What happened, though?”

“Last night…” Inia began, “Auntie got mad at me. She hit me because I liked you, Rashad. I don’t know why she did, but she was real mad. Kept callin’ you a male and all that. Then Auntie said that she’d never let me see you or any other man ever again.” Tears rolled down the young woman’s face as she continued, “I’ve seen Auntie mad before, but not this mad…”

Rashad hated to see a girl cry, so he hopped up and said, “Hold on; I’ll go get my handkerchief…”

Inia waved him away, saying, “It’s alright. I just wish she would stop being so close-minded about you and all the men in town…”

“Forget her.” Rashad had a defiant look on his face when he said,” She’s just a shriveled old maid who spent so much time in her books, she forgot how to live. I hope she doesn’t expect you to live your life the way she does.”

Inia shushed him as fast as she could and said through clenched teeth, “They’re listening.”

“Who?”

“Them. The black-hoods. They’re everywhere and know everything.”

Rashad shrugged and said, “What’s your point?”

The young woman leaned closer and said, “Auntie owns them. She owns this whole town.”

“One more reason to not pay them any mind. They’re shady cops who work for the interests of one person.” Crossing his arms, Rashad said, “Trust me, I know authority figures. Best thing to do is cheer yourself up and go out with me on a date to watch the stars after work.”

She offered a small smile and said, “Nice try, but I don’t want to—“

“You gonna let your auntie do your thinking forever, Inia?”

She stared at him with a strange look of shock. This guy just made fun of her AND he had the audacity to ask her out in the same sitting. Inia thought about it a moment more and realized Rashad has gone a lot farther then any other guy has. So she gave him the benefit of the doubt and said, “Fine.”

Praying to Toren for things really does work, Rashad thought. “Great! I’ll pick you up from Egress Bar tonight—“

“I don’t work there anymore.” Inia cut in. “Given her state, she’d kill me for real if she found out where I really worked, so I don’t want to give her any other reasons to do so.”

“Fine,” Rashad sighed. “I’ll meet you at the construction site tonight.”

A smile spread over Inia’s face as she said, “Alright.” Then, “Wait: the construction site? Why?”

“Just be there, miss,” he said as he walked out the door.

The smile on Inia’s face brought a flush to her cheeks and a curious hope: what could Rashad be all about?

.....................................................................

“Date?” Wyle said through bandanna-turned-mask.

“Yeah,” Rashad shot back through his own scarf. The workers had covered their mouths to make sure they didn’t breathe in harmful dust from the heavy-duty work being performed at the Karmor’s Bend Town Hall building. The shipment of slate had just come across the Dumas River from the northern Svetarra Mountains in the east. The slate was cut to order by miners at the quarry site, transported by wagon to Karmor’s Bend and further manipulated to suit the needs of the construction crew. This particular shipment of slate was cut into thick ring shapes and standard bricks. 

Many of the workers, like Rashad, Wyle and Cyan, unloaded the bricks and set them aside for the future walls of the town hall. The stone rings, cut especially for the creation of columns, were too heavy to be handled by any normal humanoid. So Jollum called in the only abnormal person on his crew he could find.

“AWRIGHT” came the cry across the work site. Barcrab was digging holes for the wall supports when the wagons rolled up, and he dropped the earth where he was standing. Rushing over to the wagon, he reached over and grabbed a stone ring, carrying it as if it were no heavier than a laundry basket. He grabbed another in his claws, proceeded to the back of the lot and placed them with the other pieces of slate.

“Yo, who’s the girl?” Wyle asked over the commotion.

“Like you’ve gotta ask. It’s Inia, man.”

Wyle’s eyes widened over his bandanna as he said, “What in Hells? Are you crazy?”

“Do I look like someone’s who’s crazy?” Rashad asked.

“No,” Wyle said, “but you look like someone who doesn’t want to keep their job! If the Benefactor finds out that you’re messin’ with her niece, you’ll be out of a job!”

Rashad hefted a slate brick and said, “Like I care what that woman thinks. Plus, she probably already thinks that I am messin’ with Inia.”

Wyle’s eyes got as big as saucers as he stared at Rashad walk to the back and put his block down. The new guy doesn’t know what he’s getting himself into, the carpenter thought. Rashad came back and continued, “Man I was over at Blackheart Estates walkin’ Inia home last night and she wants me to meet the damned Benefactor. I go in, we’re relaxing and her aunt—the Benefactor—shows up like some kind of lurking shadow.

“She’s in my face about who I am and what I used to do—I used to be an adventurer,” Rashad slides in as Wyle grabbed another slate brick and walked to the slate deposit. Wyle comes back and Rashad continues, “So I used to be an adventurer and she tells me I’m not. Old bag’s yellin’ at me about ‘I need to show her proof’, so I show her this and she shuts up quicker than a shame plant. I wasn’t gonna put up with that another minute. Inia was home, so I left."

“Wow, new guy,” Wyle said. “So, you beat the Benefactor in an argument without getting fired on the spot AND you’re dating her niece. Sounds like you’re a liar on top of being insane to me.”

Rashad pulled another brick from the wagon and said, “I’m not lying! I went to Blackheart Estates and had an argument with the Benefactor. On top of that, she—

“The Hells is going on over there guys? Rashad? Wyle?” Jollum stood outside his foreman tent and shouted ”If you’re going to talk, talk AND work or talk on your break! How hard is that?”

“Yeah, twerp,” Cyan punctuated by a slap in the back of Rashad’s head, “get to work already.”

“I’m really beginning to hate that guy,” Rashad said. “What’s his deal anyway?”

“He’s just riding you, remember?” Wyle said. “Anyway, we’ve got to unload this cart before the day is out.”
“Right,” Rashad said and grabbed a brick. He headed to the slate deposit and placed his brick down. He looked about and marveled at the amount of stone, thinking how much work must’ve gone into cutting and mining from the rock quarry. He was lost in thought when a thunderous crash shook him from his musings. He looked over and saw that he was near a support post for the town hall, on which Barcrab was putting the stone rings.

Thirty feet in the air on strong scaffolding, the Enigman Barcrab took the other stone ring and placed it over the support post. With gravity taking over, the huge piece of slate dropped down and crashed against the proceeding ring. Barcrab looked down to see Rashad and waved a big red claw in greeting. The Enigman yelled down to him, “ARE THEY STRAIGHT?”

Quickly glancing at the short stack, Rashad shouted, “Yes they are straight!”

“GOOD. I’M COMING TO GET MORE,” the Enigman bellowed. Rashad watched as the Enigman tromped down the service ramps from the aspiring roof to the ground floor. The Enigman strode over, red carapace gleaming in the sun and his eyestalks waving ever so slightly in pleasure. He picked up two more slate rings and said, “THIS IS MY FAVORITE PART OF THE WORK I DO; HEAVY-DUTY WORK. WHAT DO YOU LIKE ABOUT THIS JOB, RASHAD?”

“Oh, uh…” Rashad was very busy thinking of how he could make the date work tonight and was seriously considering the roof as the place when he said, “…the fringe benefits.”

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Movie Review - The Malay Chronicles: Bloodlines or Clash of Empires: The Battle for Asia (2011)

I rented this movie, Clash of Empires: The Battle for Asia, because the cover looked so cheesy.  It brought me back to the old days when I reviewed movies on the previous Gedren's Peak website just because they were bad--movies like Bog and Robot Ninja.  This movie went and pulled the wool over my eyes, because this is a great movie despite technical failings.

The story reads as an account in the Kedah Annals ( I had to look that up on Wikipedia) by a Malay king of his far-removed ancestor, Merong Mahawanga (indeterminate South Asian actor Stephen Rahmen Hughes), descendant of Alexander the Great, future founder of the Malay Dynasty and future ruler of Langasuka.  The story speaks of his earlier vagabond life and how he came to prominence by helping out a foreign prince from a faraway empire of the world--the Roman Empire.
Prince Marcus Carpenius (Gavin Stenhouse) of Rome is to be wed to Princess Meng Li Hua (Chinese actress and model Jing Lusi) of the Empire of China in the days of the Han Dynasty, placing the events around 120 AD/CE.  The meeting place between the two empires is a well-known trading place and not ruled by any king.  It is populated by several indigenous tribes, one of which has taken to piracy called the Garuda.
The barbarian Garuda--known for murdering every man, woman and child in a village under plunder--are led by the shaman Taji (W. Hanafi W. Su) and his successor, the wily Kamawas (Khir Rahman). They have decided to kidnap the Chinese princess and her clever handmaiden Ying Ying (Nell Ng) and ransom the princess for 1000 taels of gold and sovereignty.  In the ensuing battle, the Roman prince is lost and our main character Merong fights on despite his wounds causing him to faint.  It is Merong's that triggers the meeting with his teacher Kesum the guru (Rahim Razali) and his future wife Embok (Ummi Nazeera).

But I am getting ahead of myself...