Movie Review - Ju Dou (1990)

My parents had cable off-and-on in my household.  At one point, the cable became too expensive, and we stopped.  We picked it up again after a while, and stopped again when the cable became too much. Now, with digital cable forcing everyone to pay for stuff they used to get for free, we have cable again.  With the glut of crap on specially generalized cable television (Toddlers & Tiaras, Crocosaurus, all the no-talent shows, occult-themed shows, police procedural shows, etc.), it will never be like it was.  

Back then, we didn't have to worry about having to subscribe to a specific channel to get out foreign movies: we simply were surprised.  It was like this in my high school years when I watched the movie that started my love for Asian cinema: Ju Dou.

Ju Dou was like nothing I had seen before in American film: the new land, the strange people and culture (granted, the only time I had dealt with Asian people and culture was either at a restaurant or a kung-fu movie), the language, and the colors. OH GOD THE COLORS.  The colors weren't part of some forced hallucination or a drug-related trip on my part.  It was simply the way that director Yimou Zhang was able to not only give the set designer and cinematographer the instructions to make the movie visually appealing, but the tension between the characters was believable and tangible.  It would set the rule for me in the future that whenever I watch an Asian film, check if Li Gong is in it first.

"Dear Penthouse Forum..."

The movie is set in early 20th Century China, when the life of Ju Dou (played by Li Gong) is disrupted by her marriage to Old Yang (actor Wei Li) who runs a dye mill.  He paid a handsome sum for such a beautiful bride, so she had better produce him an heir--which she cannot because the old man is sterile.  He treats her horribly in response (an understatement, to say the least) and has no idea that someone has else has had their eye on her, but can't act on it.

Tianqing (Baotian Li) is Old Yang's younger relative, who lives and works at the mill as Yang's ward.  He is also mistreated to a degree.  He takes pity on the woman who is now legally his aunt.  At first, their relationship is deeply appalling... but you come to understand that their common ground is their hatred of Old Yang.  He is wholly deserving of this hatred, which Ju Dou and Tianqing transform into lust and love.  Nature takes its course under the influence of human intervention, and the story seems as if it will develop into an ending scenario that will be considered acceptable.  That's when the film becomes an experience in truly deep heartbreak.  The dynamic changes so hard and fast, you can only stay riveted to your seat to see how it all turns out.

OH GOD THE COLORS, MAN

And so it went, my first foreign film viewing.  

This led to me watching not only foreign films with Li Gong in it (Curse of the Golden Flower, Raise the Red Lantern), but also other foreign fare (Luc Besson's ANGEL-A, Bernardo Bertolucci's The Last Emperor [yes, it counts], Karan Johar's Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, Juzo Itami's Tampopo), not to mention domestic productions with Asian themes (Memoirs of a Geisha, Snow Falling on Cedars).  I can say without any confusion that this is one of the best movies I have ever seen.  This is mostly due to my eyes being opened--not to the flare of an action movie's explosion, the shine of a silver sci-fi rocket or to the horrors of a slasher film--but to the greater expanse of world film and filmmakers outside of America and kung-fu movies.  To you and all those like you, director Zhang, I thank you.

Cordoba Chronicles I: A Forward

This bit is to let you all know that the novella "Cordoba Chronicles IV: the Necromancer's Fury" was not written in a vacuum, and not without prior setup.

I created the fantasy world of Cordoba from 1994 to 1997 while attending high school at Design and Architecture Senior High, a magnet art school in Miami, FL.  It was in response to a lack of cool fantasy stories accessible to the mainstream audience.  I made a point to make something I wanted to see, and I figured that the big thing missing from the stories I liked and knew were the fact that there were no popular leading Black or dark-skinned characters.  They had popular Black supporting characters (sidekicks, rivals, mentors, love interests, etc.) but none that the average viewer would want to emulate, due to the lack of a leading role. These Black characters are not the center of a universe, and no story is told or experienced through their eyes. I decided to change that.

The story has a great number of influences. Cartoons, comics, science fiction, video games and action films were a big portion of my life prior to writing the Cordoba Chronicles, so a great deal of influence comes from them.

The short list reads like this:

• The graphic novels TITANS: Scissors, Paper, Stone, Ninja High School and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - Book II
• the DC comic book Legionnaires (formerly Legion of Superheroes, rebooted after Zero Hour in 1994)
• CAPCOM's "Mega Man 2" and "Street Fighter 2010: the Final Fight"
• "Black Magic: M-66", "Bubblegum Crisis", "Appleseed", "AKIRA", and other Japanese animation films
• the American cartoons "Galaxy High School", "Beverly Hills Teens", "Jem", "Centurions: Power X-Treme", "Thundercats", Silverhawks", "Tigersharks", "He-Man and the Masters of the Universe", "Bravestarr", "Bionic Six", "Shirt Tales", "Dinosaucers", "The Adventures of the Galaxy Rangers",
• the British cartoon "DangerMouse",
• the French cartoons "Spartakus and the Sun Beneath the Sea" (AKA "Les Mondes Engloutis") and "Ulysses 31"
• Live action shows like "Ultraman", "Captain Power and the Soldiers of the Future", and of course "Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers"
• the Universal Pictures' "Action Pack" movie "Hercules and the Circle of Fire" starring Kevin Sorbo and the follow-up TV series "Hercules: the Legendary Journeys"
• the "Star Trek" TV series (TOS, TNG, DS9 and Voyager) and the original "Star Wars" trilogy (A New Hope, The Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi)
• the movie "Conan the Destroyer"
• the 1980 movie "Flash Gordon"
• the movie "Passenger 57"
• the Japanese animation imports "Voltron: Defender of the Universe", "Transformers", "Robotech", "Saber Rider and the Star Sheriffs", and "Mysterious Cities of Gold"

It goes without saying that I have a long-standing flirtation with Dungeons & Dragons (both the game and the cartoon), regardless of what people say.  I think I've said enough; I hope you enjoy Cordoba Chronicles I. Enjoy!

-swatson

Movie Review - Cherry 2000 (1987)

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Movie Review - Conan the Destroyer (1984)

When I think about the person I am today, I can definitely say that the world of the 1980s has shaped me a great deal. There was a bunch of good stuff on TV then, and you can find any of that stuff on the Internet on any old 80's webpage. What really sticks is the films of the day. I remember a lot of the movies that ushered me into being a big sci-fi and fantasy fan. I'll eventually end up naming them all at some point, but I want to focus on the fantasy films of the time that influenced me the most.
Many films fall into this number, but a choice few stick out as really good. Of this number, two of them star the Austrian bodybuilder-turned-actor Arnold Schwartzenegger.  One of the two is a sequel to the character movie that made him famous: Conan the Barbarian. The movie I speak of is Conan the Destroyer.

A lot of people think that Conan the Destroyer (callin' it "Conan 2") is crap and that it brings down the first movie, a grand work on its own. I have to disagree; this movie is the perfect spot for someone NOT familiar with the exploits of the Cimmerian to get acquainted INITIALLY. For those of the 'happily ever after' set, this was a believable hero on par with violent 80's hero Rambo. This was a vehicle in which Conan could be the 'good guy', be violent and do what good guys do: SAVE THE PRINCESS. With my previous sole knowledge of stories of heroes existing to save the princess, I was sold. After reading the last paragraph, I think it's time to give a brief synopsis of the movie Conan 2.

Conan and his thieving sidekick Malak (Tracy Walter) are captured at the grave of Valeria by soldiers of Queen Taramis (character actress Sarah Douglas). She hires the barbarian and his friend to escort one Princess Jehnna (a young Olivia d'Abo, in her first movie role) and her bodyguard Bombaata (basketball star Wilt Chamberlain) to find a jeweled horn for some kind of ritual. Upon mention of possible treasure, Conan agrees to take the job. On the way to find the jeweled horn, they meet the warrioress Zula (supermodel Grace Jones) and team up with the wizard Akiro (Japanese actor Mako) to make the job easier.
They'll fight many minions, wizards and insurmountable odds to reach their goal. Many in the party will level up from this mission, but will a prestige class be worth having to watch Arnold doing the grandest phallic flexes since Pumping Iron?
This movie introduced me to the concept of not having to be a knight to save a princess as well as not having to accept what anyone gives you, no matter how prestigious. This movie also taught me that princesses are ALWAYS naive and allowed me to form an opinion on women warriors before Red Sonja or Xena ever came around. This movie, a Dino de Laurentiis production, has not diminished with time; I still get goose bumps when they swim through the icy waters of the wizard's castle. It's a great movie that'll entertain even when the world laughs at the primitive special effects of the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

...but that is another story...

Movie Review - Flash Gordon (1980)

This is a review that has been long overdue. I have seen this movie countless times and I always leave the movie feeling good. Given the eff'd up circumstances of the month prior to writing this review, I'll probably watch it again tonight. I love this movie so much, I own the VHS copy and the 'Savior of the Universe' edition DVD.  So, prying questions asides, I bring you my review of the movie Flash Gordon.
Based on the 1934 serial cartoon strip by Alex Raymond, It was kinda like Prince Valiant...INNNNNN SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE! But not really.  The comic has been re-imagined as a film serial in the 1930's, a TV show in the 1950's, a cartoon in the early 1980's and again in the mid-1990's, and a live-action show was produced in 2008 to poor reviews.  But we're not here to talk about that other crap, we're here for the movie. The 1980 release was--at the time--considered to be one of the most lavish and expensive movies made, not to mention the most beautiful. There was no skimping on anything and it was a grand attempt from one of the greatest producers that ever was:

...wait for it...

DINO DE LAURENTIIS!

Yes, the late Dino de Laurentiis (not a typo, I assure you there's two 'I's in his last name): the Italian man who brought us the film adaptation of Robert E. Howard's Conan the Barbarian, its sequel Conan the Destroyer, King Kong Lives, Danger! Diabolik and Barbarella.

Flash Gordon has an edge over most movies due to the fact that its theme is sung by the British rock band Queen. "Highlander" Queen. This rock band is responsible for the memorable theme song that plays in the back at the intro using Alex Raymond's drawings. The theme is sooooo good, and that's just the first song you hear. Anytime something kick-ass happens, expect to hear "FLASH! AAA-AHHHHHHHH!!" and possibly a synthesizer effect that sounds like wang whanng...

No more shall I dwell on how awesome this movie is: Reviewin' time!
OK, so the movie starts with Emperor Ming the Merciless of Mongo (Max Von Sydow) and his advisor/Chief of Secret Police Klytus (Peter Wyngarde) looking at the Earth and plaguing it with natural disasters left & right. Stock footage abound. Some of this stock footage called "HOT HAIL", attacks a private plane headed away from the wooded resort of Dark Harbor, containing the famous New York Jets QB "Flash" Gordon (Sam J. Jones) and Dale Arden, random reporter (Melody Anderson). The plane crash-lands in the lab of the exiled scientist Dr. Hans Zarkov (Topov). Dr. Zarkov says he's got a plan to stop the attack(?!) on Earth and he needs some volunteers. Flash & Dale pass on it, but change their minds when the scientist pulls a gun on them. He forces them into his rocket and they are launched into space to combat this attack. It's too bad the G-forces rendered them unconscious.
The rocket containing the trio is sucked into a wormhole and spit out on the planet Mongo. Soldiers are sent out to capture the adventurers and bring them to Ming, ruler of all Mongo and, by default, the universe.

Flash 'nem (read: "and them") end up in the throne room amidst a tribute ceremony. The scene is lavish and everyone is wearing sparkly stuff. The color scheme is mostly red, debunking the idea that silver is the color of the future. Ming, seated at his throne, is flanked by Klytus and his ultra-horny daughter Princess Aura (Ornella Muti). The earthlings are made to introduce them selves and Flash speaks up, to our entertainment with the following line:

FLASH
(in angry tone)
Flash Gordon. Quarterback, New York Jets.

That line is merely the tip of the iceberg because the ridiculo-meter goes off the scale when Flash plays improv football in order to save Dale from the hypnotic clutches of Ming. Eventually, he is caught and sentenced to death. For being there, Ming also sentences Dr. Zarkov to be mindwiped and turned into an agent of Mongol. Dale got the worst sentence of all: Ming wants her to be his wife. Which bring us to that cliffhanger question: WHAT WILL  BECOME OF OUR HEROES?

Real quick: Flash Gordon dies in the gas chamber. Oops.
While that does happen, Flash is brought back to life by Princess Aura and "mentally stimulated" (you'll have to watch) on the way to Arboria, the homeworld of Lord Barrin (Timothy Dalton [aka James Bond #4]), her lover--hey, there may be a conflict of interests here...
Sure enough, Barrin tries to kill Flash twice and fails. TWICE. Somehow, Flash and Barrin are captured by Hawkmen during Barrin's second failed attempt.
At the Hawkmen's Air Fortress, ruled by Lord Vultan (Brian Blessed), Flash finds both Dale and Zarkov, who managed to fend off the mindwipe procedure br remembering Beatles lyrics and escaped Ming's castle with Dale and were intercepted by Vultan's Hawkmen. They also find out that it's a doube-cross! Turns out Klytus followed Dale & Zarkov to the Air Fortress. Vultan was not willing to give up our heroes, but he had no choice but to get his people to safety and leave them out to Ming. Per his style, Ming took Barrin, Dale and Zarkov prisoner. Ming decided to leave Flash inside...to his DOOOOOOM (mwahahahaha) as his battle-cruiser destroyed the Air Fortress.
Conveniently enough there was a rocket cycle lying about and Flash escaped. As he soared thru alien skies to Mongol, he contacted Vultan (he and his people made it safe to Arboria) and asked for assistance. Vultan was ready to go and rallied his men to an ion cloud. Somehow, Flash was picked up on Mongo radar and sent out War-Rocket Ajax to capture him, dead or alive. While that order was given, Aura was tortured for her treachery and Dale was prepared for...the wedding.
Flash led WR Ajax into the cloud and when it emerged, it was set upon by Hawkmen in the most beautiful battle I've ever seen. Eventually, Flash & Vultan took control of the ship and find a counter that is supposed to be connected to the death-ray aimed at Earth. The Earth will be destroyed as a wedding gift to Dale! As Flash stays on the ship to get to the wedding, Barrin and Zarkov are set free by an escaped Aura and they set to deactivating the deathray and the city defenses. Just as the wedding is about to be made final, Flash comes in with the ship and rams it into the throne room, impaling Ming.
Flash gets out and Ming tries to fight back using his power ring, but it backfires. The threat is called off by a floating machine that spouts this line:

GOLDEN ARBITOR
Hail Flash! You have saved your Earth. Have a nice day!

The end is so cheery and great, it's what makes me like sci-fi/adventure so much. All is set right: Barrin becomes the Emperor (over the Emperor's daughter...?), Vultan is promoted to general of the armies of Mongo, and everyone is rescued from the tyranny of Ming. Flash, Dale and Zarkov decide to stay and live in Mongo. Just after the Hawkmen skywrite "THANKS FLASH" in the skies of Mongo, the camera turns to the ground to look at Ming's power ring...and the hand that seizes it...

T H E  E N D?

Crazy Dream from my High-School Days

I remember having this crazy dream back in Miami before I went to college. It was my junior year at DASH (Design & Architecture Senior High School!) and I was friends with this senior dude who did not go to my school. His name was Duergan (changed to protect the innocent) and he got me hooked on more Mystery Science Theater 3000. I say more because I liked the show when it was on Comedy Central, and on the Sci-Fi Channel (now called SyFy, because they hate their viewing audience.)

Nevertheless, I borrowed a lot of old school MST3K videos (storebought and bootlegged off the TV) and watched them every week during the summer of 1996. There were a lot of Godzilla (old Russian bear Godzilla--not the T. rex/raptor wannabe) flicks, spy flicks, legitimate dramas, old sci-fi classics and late 70's/early 80's horror movies that were all mocked equally by a lonely human and robots who saw no color and rarely understood the relations between men and women. I decided to watch these movies straight in a solid Thursday afternoon:

• Eegah, a 60's movie about a caveman who gets shot by cops at a pool party,
• Time of the Apes, a 60's Japanese knockoff of Planet of the Apes involving the 'Infamous Japanese Boy' and Sandy Frank,
• Hercules and the Captive Woman, starring Reg Park fighting armies of Atlantean super-soldiers,
• The Brain That Wouldn't Die, about a modern-day Dr. Frankenstein who saves his wife's severed head after a car accident, only to drive her mad and cause some crazy, unrelated monster to attack the lab.

...because I supposedly had nothing better to do. That night, I had an excellent dinner and I watched the FOX crime drama "New York Undercover". I fell asleep in the middle of it and began to dream a crazy dream...

I had this dream that my parents got enough money to move us all to Beverly Hills (not sure why.) For some reason, my brother and I still lived in the same room together with a long window overlooking the backyard. One night, my brother and I were chillin' in the room when we heard a sound in the yard. I looked out and saw a large, bummy-looking man walking around the back lawn. I yelled at him, "Go away, you bum! Leave!"  He didn't hear me. My brother joined in and yelled; that's when he heard us. The bum turned toward the window and jumped through! In a shower of glass, he landed on our bed (we had to share a lot).

I took a good look at the guy...and he looked like Eegah, but he had the build of Hercules. This guy was very dangerous looking--and unconscious. Weird little imps that we are, we go into the kitchen and get some cocktail swords and when we got back to the room, we started to stab him in his crotch with them. It seemed like a good idea at first.

The Hercules-Eegah hybrid sat up in pain and threw my brother into the wall. Being the manly man that I am, I ran screaming like a bitch. I ran out the house and jumped over the fence to my backyard. Then I jumped over the other fence leading to my front yard. Then I jumped over the first fence leading to my back yard. This went on for 10 minutes; that's just how my dreams work.

I then went and jumped the neighbor's fence. The neighbors had put plastic in their chain-link fence, but I still climbed to the top. Then the plastic in the fence made the fence start to sway under my weight. The sway was pretty forceful and launched me into the neighbor's pool. Then I pulled my self over the pool fence (they have a small child and don't want him/her falling into the pool) and ran through the open gate in the fence facing the opposite street. At that point, I breathed a sigh of relief.

I began to walk down the street. Before I get even a few houses down the block, I hear a loud car crash. I turn around and it's the Hercules-Eegah hybrid wrestling some woman's Rolls Royce away from her. He throws her out of the car and rips off the roof. He figures out how to drive a car pretty quick and drives the car on the sidewalk to try and get me! I'm out running him, but for how long? I think to myself. I look back and he plows right through a tree. I make a sharp turn and lose Hercules-Eegah, but now I'm in a badly lit cul de sac.

There are some people there in the cul-de-sac discussing something, but I can't make it out. I join the conversation, but I can't make out what I'm saying, either. Then I begin to understand at the end when we all agree that we should go to the mall.

We push through some bushes and see a great mall, separated from us by a 4-lane highway with a median strip. On the median strip, there was an admission booth. The admission to get into the mall was $10. Luckily, the money I had in real life (all I had in my wallet was $10 at the time) translated into the dream and I had enough money to get in. The other people with me didn't have money and were very angry and didn't understand the reason for having to pay admission to get into a mall. I was happy to get to the mall but before I could get in, Hercules-Eegah was right behind me--in a brown wig and purple chiffon dress! I had to get away from this cross-dressing caveman, but through which entrance?

There were two: one was the entrance going through the arcade, the other was the entrance going through the perfume shop. I went through the perfume shop and ran up the nearest stairs. I looked back and saw that Hercules-Eegah followed me, but was stuck in the perfume store smelling all the wonderful scents! I smiled and went on my way--but I didn't go... 

Alright, I need to make something clear: in my dreams, I don't always see things in a first-person view. Sometimes I see them in a second-person view or a third-person observer, or third-person omniscient. Anyway, I switched to a third-person observer and watched this old Black couple walk past this rug shop. The wife looks into the store and says, "Ohh look, honey, some rugs! Let's buy some for the children!" Knowing that she wants them for herself and that the rug salesman would give them a hassle from the look on his face, he fixes his fedora and says, "C'mon, honey, you know they won't let our KIND shop here." 

The camera flashes back to me in first-person as I bump into a man who looks like Keanu Reeves wearing an outstanding blue vest. He greets me and asks, "Hey, you want to see the new music store I designed?" 

Before I can answer, Bluevest drags me down the stairs to a nearby Sam Goody, where a foppish man waits blindfolded and overflowing with happiness. Bluevest pulls off the blind fold and says, "Here it is, dude!"

The fruity man is overcome and hoots, hollers and dances his way into the new store. I'm distracted by a CD display that has some new artists, so I check it out. There's a CD single in there called "Bust That Ass" by none other than J.C. and Eddie Torres (aka "Eddie Vatos") from "New York Undercover". A nearby video wall flares up and it's J.C. and Eddie's video for "Bust That Ass". It shows them running up on crooks and bustin' 'em in the head, and kicking down doors to get the perp. Then when they catch him, they do him like the door. The video ends with them arresting themselves.

...and that's it.