I was drawn to renting this show by the DVD's title font -- the same kind used on the Clash of the Titans remake poster -- but I was less satisfied with the plot: A chosen people were persecuted by the evil King Laypach (Zane) because of a prophecy delivered by his enemy, the rebel swordsman Drayden (Gabe Begnaud). The prophecy involved him and one of these persecuted people; the king did not know which. He sent soldiers out to kill the first-born, but one soldier named Ari (Louis Herthum) resisted the order. He was made to watch his wife drowned and was sent Ari to the front lines three times in a row to see if he would die. Ari escaped and roamed the wilderness as a mercenary and woodsman, thinking he would never have to see any more about the prophecy that caused him so much pain...until he met Magnus (Sam Murphy).
Magnus was a young man on a quest to avenge his father's death and to rescue his imprisoned brother Binon (Caleb Michaelson). What Magnus did not know was that he was the heir to the power of Draden and part of the key to the prophecy; this was soon rectified by the interference of the goblin Gydro (Drew Rin Vardick), a magician on the side of good who is coincidentally a tutor to Princess Aria (Jessica Heap).
Previously thought to be a myth, Princess Aria is accompanied by three warrior women and her royal guardian Derja (Natasha Itzel). When Magnus and Aria meet, Gydro is happy that now the quest is halfway complete: now they must get to some magic boulder in the forest and place Drayden's sword (which Gydro possesses) into the boulder to destroy Laypach from afar.
Naturally, Laypach won't allow this, so he sends his dark warrior to find and kill him. This warrior Kronin (Scott Schwartz) is massive and wields a similar weapon to Drayden's sword, albeit powered by dark magic.
Many people and supporting characters die before the day is won, yet the movie drops the ending on you like a dead body. It's really embarrassing to see how badly this movie was made. It had some potential to be good yet they squandered it all on God-knows-what: it sure wasn't the script. It is in this respect that Billy Zane saves the movie.
Billy Zane knows about crap. He's starred in enough crap to have that ability (Bloodrayne, Critters, Tales From The Crypt: Demon Night, Invincible, etc.) and he's starred in some really good stuff to (Back to the Future, Titanic, Zoolander, etc.) to know what's what. When he gets a shitty and incoherent script, he trolls HARD by ad-libbing (at least I think so; the script-writers couldn't be that clever). For this, Mr. Zane, I salute you.
CHOICE CUTS:
- The three female bodyguards. Easily a joke. Wish the redhead hadn't died.
- Speaking of people dying, I seriously thought the warrior woman Derja was Black. Which would have explained her dying before any of the heroes. I later found out that she's not of Negroid ancestry, so someone probably died before she did -- oh yeah, Magnus' dad.
- Production values made me want to revive my old college saying about movies: the budget from one of these shitty movies could have gone to pay for someone's college education."
- Regarding Princess Aria: now that's a wig!
- King Laypach draped in women. It's good to be the King.
PRICELESS QUOTES:
When a small boy announces he'll fight for King Laypach, the evil king puts him to train in the barracks due to his dedication. His mother protests and for her insolence, is also sent to the barracks for training. He then makes the following revelation:
"Look at this! we've got an army of women and children! This is amazing, and progressive, and... absolutely ridiculous! We are in the shitter!"
This was a horrible movie, save the trolling of veteran actor Mr. Zane. This movie only rates a 3.
PRICELESS QUOTE - is it about the the film or the script!
ReplyDelete"Look at this! we've got an army of women and children! This is amazing, and progressive, and... absolutely ridiculous! We are in the shit aren't we!"