Many films fall into this number, but a choice few stick out as really good. Of this number, two of them star the Austrian bodybuilder-turned-actor Arnold Schwartzenegger. One of the two is a sequel to the character movie that made him famous: Conan the Barbarian. The movie I speak of is Conan the Destroyer.
A lot of people think that Conan the Destroyer (callin' it "Conan 2") is crap and that it brings down the first movie, a grand work on its own. I have to disagree; this movie is the perfect spot for someone NOT familiar with the exploits of the Cimmerian to get acquainted INITIALLY. For those of the 'happily ever after' set, this was a believable hero on par with violent 80's hero Rambo. This was a vehicle in which Conan could be the 'good guy', be violent and do what good guys do: SAVE THE PRINCESS. With my previous sole knowledge of stories of heroes existing to save the princess, I was sold. After reading the last paragraph, I think it's time to give a brief synopsis of the movie Conan 2.
Conan and his thieving sidekick Malak (Tracy Walter) are captured at the grave of Valeria by soldiers of Queen Taramis (character actress Sarah Douglas). She hires the barbarian and his friend to escort one Princess Jehnna (a young Olivia d'Abo, in her first movie role) and her bodyguard Bombaata (basketball star Wilt Chamberlain) to find a jeweled horn for some kind of ritual. Upon mention of possible treasure, Conan agrees to take the job. On the way to find the jeweled horn, they meet the warrioress Zula (supermodel Grace Jones) and team up with the wizard Akiro (Japanese actor Mako) to make the job easier.
They'll fight many minions, wizards and insurmountable odds to reach their goal. Many in the party will level up from this mission, but will a prestige class be worth having to watch Arnold doing the grandest phallic flexes since Pumping Iron?
This movie introduced me to the concept of not having to be a knight to save a princess as well as not having to accept what anyone gives you, no matter how prestigious. This movie also taught me that princesses are ALWAYS naive and allowed me to form an opinion on women warriors before Red Sonja or Xena ever came around. This movie, a Dino de Laurentiis production, has not diminished with time; I still get goose bumps when they swim through the icy waters of the wizard's castle. It's a great movie that'll entertain even when the world laughs at the primitive special effects of the Lord of the Rings trilogy.
...but that is another story...
CHOICE CUTS:
- Conan punches a horse. I never get tired of seeing that.
- Conan, drunk off his ass, walks into Bombaata's chest (remember: Wilt Chamberlain's 7 feet tall, and Schwartzenegger is almost 6 feet tall) and knocks himself out.
- Zula the warrioress shrieks and carries on--all because of a mouse.
- The original character of Zula is a gigantic man from Zingara. Grace Jones performs admirably, despite Wilt "the Stilt" Chamberlain being right there to play the part.
- Zula's battle cries are used as sound clips for the Golden Axe series.
- The magic ice castle scene where they have to SAVE THE PRINCESS. It's a beautiful set piece and allows for an awesome battle scene for Conan.
- Any bonding dialogue between the characters.
- The final battle scene. I never thought that Conan would make it out alive.
PRICELESS QUOTES:
Princess Jehnna asks Zula for some "womanly advice":
"What do you do when you've set your heart on a man?"
"Grab him...and take him!"
"You...grab him and take him?"
"TAKE HIM! Like that!"
Conan goes into "aggressive negotiations" with fighters blocking the exit to the jeweled horn's shrine, punctuating the following sentence with a thrown dagger:
"Enough talk!"
A drunk Conan explains to Princess Jehnna about his plans after the mission. He speaks of taking Valeria as his queen in the place described in this line:
"...for the promise...I was kingdomed."
This movie never gets old, right along with the 1980s version of Flash Gordon.
RATING: 7/10
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