Based on the 1934 serial cartoon strip by Alex Raymond, It was kinda like Prince Valiant...INNNNNN SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE! But not really. The comic has been re-imagined as a film serial in the 1930's, a TV show in the 1950's, a cartoon in the early 1980's and again in the mid-1990's, and a live-action show was produced in 2008 to poor reviews. But we're not here to talk about that other crap, we're here for the movie. The 1980 release was--at the time--considered to be one of the most lavish and expensive movies made, not to mention the most beautiful. There was no skimping on anything and it was a grand attempt from one of the greatest producers that ever was:
...wait for it...
DINO DE LAURENTIIS!
Yes, the late Dino de Laurentiis (not a typo, I assure you there's two 'I's in his last name): the Italian man who brought us the film adaptation of Robert E. Howard's Conan the Barbarian, its sequel Conan the Destroyer, King Kong Lives, Danger! Diabolik and Barbarella.
Flash Gordon has an edge over most movies due to the fact that its theme is sung by the British rock band Queen. "Highlander" Queen. This rock band is responsible for the memorable theme song that plays in the back at the intro using Alex Raymond's drawings. The theme is sooooo good, and that's just the first song you hear. Anytime something kick-ass happens, expect to hear "FLASH! AAA-AHHHHHHHH!!" and possibly a synthesizer effect that sounds like wang whanng...
No more shall I dwell on how awesome this movie is: Reviewin' time!
OK, so the movie starts with Emperor Ming the Merciless of Mongo (Max Von Sydow) and his advisor/Chief of Secret Police Klytus (Peter Wyngarde) looking at the Earth and plaguing it with natural disasters left & right. Stock footage abound. Some of this stock footage called "HOT HAIL", attacks a private plane headed away from the wooded resort of Dark Harbor, containing the famous New York Jets QB "Flash" Gordon (Sam J. Jones) and Dale Arden, random reporter (Melody Anderson). The plane crash-lands in the lab of the exiled scientist Dr. Hans Zarkov (Topov). Dr. Zarkov says he's got a plan to stop the attack(?!) on Earth and he needs some volunteers. Flash & Dale pass on it, but change their minds when the scientist pulls a gun on them. He forces them into his rocket and they are launched into space to combat this attack. It's too bad the G-forces rendered them unconscious.
The rocket containing the trio is sucked into a wormhole and spit out on the planet Mongo. Soldiers are sent out to capture the adventurers and bring them to Ming, ruler of all Mongo and, by default, the universe.
Flash 'nem (read: "and them") end up in the throne room amidst a tribute ceremony. The scene is lavish and everyone is wearing sparkly stuff. The color scheme is mostly red, debunking the idea that silver is the color of the future. Ming, seated at his throne, is flanked by Klytus and his ultra-horny daughter Princess Aura (Ornella Muti). The earthlings are made to introduce them selves and Flash speaks up, to our entertainment with the following line:
FLASH
(in angry tone)
Flash Gordon. Quarterback, New York Jets.
That line is merely the tip of the iceberg because the ridiculo-meter goes off the scale when Flash plays improv football in order to save Dale from the hypnotic clutches of Ming. Eventually, he is caught and sentenced to death. For being there, Ming also sentences Dr. Zarkov to be mindwiped and turned into an agent of Mongol. Dale got the worst sentence of all: Ming wants her to be his wife. Which bring us to that cliffhanger question: WHAT WILL BECOME OF OUR HEROES?(in angry tone)
Flash Gordon. Quarterback, New York Jets.
Real quick: Flash Gordon dies in the gas chamber. Oops.
While that does happen, Flash is brought back to life by Princess Aura and "mentally stimulated" (you'll have to watch) on the way to Arboria, the homeworld of Lord Barrin (Timothy Dalton [aka James Bond #4]), her lover--hey, there may be a conflict of interests here...
Sure enough, Barrin tries to kill Flash twice and fails. TWICE. Somehow, Flash and Barrin are captured by Hawkmen during Barrin's second failed attempt.
At the Hawkmen's Air Fortress, ruled by Lord Vultan (Brian Blessed), Flash finds both Dale and Zarkov, who managed to fend off the mindwipe procedure br remembering Beatles lyrics and escaped Ming's castle with Dale and were intercepted by Vultan's Hawkmen. They also find out that it's a doube-cross! Turns out Klytus followed Dale & Zarkov to the Air Fortress. Vultan was not willing to give up our heroes, but he had no choice but to get his people to safety and leave them out to Ming. Per his style, Ming took Barrin, Dale and Zarkov prisoner. Ming decided to leave Flash inside...to his DOOOOOOM (mwahahahaha) as his battle-cruiser destroyed the Air Fortress.
Conveniently enough there was a rocket cycle lying about and Flash escaped. As he soared thru alien skies to Mongol, he contacted Vultan (he and his people made it safe to Arboria) and asked for assistance. Vultan was ready to go and rallied his men to an ion cloud. Somehow, Flash was picked up on Mongo radar and sent out War-Rocket Ajax to capture him, dead or alive. While that order was given, Aura was tortured for her treachery and Dale was prepared for...the wedding.
Flash led WR Ajax into the cloud and when it emerged, it was set upon by Hawkmen in the most beautiful battle I've ever seen. Eventually, Flash & Vultan took control of the ship and find a counter that is supposed to be connected to the death-ray aimed at Earth. The Earth will be destroyed as a wedding gift to Dale! As Flash stays on the ship to get to the wedding, Barrin and Zarkov are set free by an escaped Aura and they set to deactivating the deathray and the city defenses. Just as the wedding is about to be made final, Flash comes in with the ship and rams it into the throne room, impaling Ming.
Flash gets out and Ming tries to fight back using his power ring, but it backfires. The threat is called off by a floating machine that spouts this line:
GOLDEN ARBITOR
Hail Flash! You have saved your Earth. Have a nice day!
Hail Flash! You have saved your Earth. Have a nice day!
The end is so cheery and great, it's what makes me like sci-fi/adventure so much. All is set right: Barrin becomes the Emperor (over the Emperor's daughter...?), Vultan is promoted to general of the armies of Mongo, and everyone is rescued from the tyranny of Ming. Flash, Dale and Zarkov decide to stay and live in Mongo. Just after the Hawkmen skywrite "THANKS FLASH" in the skies of Mongo, the camera turns to the ground to look at Ming's power ring...and the hand that seizes it...
T H E E N D?
CHOICE CUTS:
- Max Von Sydow as Ming; so over-the-top eeeevil.
- Brian Blessed as Vultan. His character is summed up in one exclaim: "DIVE!"
- Ornella Muti's Aura fulfilling my fantasy as to what chicks in space would be like: man-hungry!
- Timothy Dalton, channeling Errol Flynn, in the role he was born to play: the swashbuckling rogue.
- Rocket cycles are cool.
- The wedding ceremony.
- QUEEN RULES--ALL DAY, EVERY DAY, 24/7/365!
- When you get parodied on Family Guy, you've done something right.
Princess Aura, just about to be tortured by "the Bore-Worms":
"No! Not the Bore-Worms! Not the Bore-Worms!"Vultan, after Flash goes to save a fallen Hawkman:
"Impetuous boy!...Oh well, who wants to live forever? DIIIIIIIIVE!!!!!"Ming offers Flash a kingdom of his own if he'll join him. The kingdom: a ravaged Earth with its weakened peoples, to rule over in the name of Ming. Flash refuses when Ming tells him in so many words that Earth's populace would be slaves. Ming decides to euphemize the obvious:
"Let's just say they'll be 'happier with less.'The wedding vows as performed by the Mongo priest, Ming and Dale Arden:
"Do you, Emperor Ming of Mongo, take this Earth-woman to be your Empress of the Hour?"This movie is a favorite of mine and always will be. Damn, I love this movie.
"Of the hour, yes."
"Do you swear to use her as you see fit?"
"Certainly!"
"Do you promise not to jettison her into the void [nasty glare from Ming]...until such time you grow weary of her?"
"I do."
"I DO NOT!!!!"
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