Movie Review - The Chosen One: Legend of the Raven (1998)

I thought this movie was a piece of crap before I even watched it. It had touches of The Crow and a poorly thought-out superhero costume, designed specifically to distance it from the Brandon Lee film. Yet the movie was a Troma Team release, so my friend Jim and I watched this video, knowing that the movie would only reach a certain level of competence if only to facilitate a sex scene. Such is the destiny of the Lawrence Lanoff movie The Chosen One: Legend of the Raven.

The film starts out crappily enough: it starts with a murder. Emma Bravenight (Playboy Playmate May 1996 and notorious Caucasian Shauna Sand-Lamas), member of the sacred Tribe of the Crescent and Guardian of the Crescent--a magic Native American Indian talisman of power--is killed by the forces of evil while frolicking in the woods in sexy lingerie. Her sister, McKenna(former Prince protoge and fellow Playboy star Carmen Electra), has returned from the Marine Corps to attend the funeral with her Native American Indian "father" Papi (Frank Salsedo). After Emma is given back to the four elements, McKenna asks around to find out who killed her sister. She starts out in the obvious place: her ex-boyfriend, Sheriff Henry (Dave Oliver). He's no real help, so she goes to live in her sister's house.
McKenna is soon haunted by Emma's ghost, who keeps telling her that she's next in line to receive the powers of the Raven or some such nonsense. The hauntings continue before and after McKenna's initial kidnapping and branding by Native Americans. She goes through some metamorphosis and starts to act more like a cat than a raven, as evidenced by her obsession with milk (more on that later). The sheriff, still smitten with McKenna after all these years despite his marriage to the town barfly Nora (Debra Xavier), continues to come over and hang out with the grieving non-Native American. Nora spied on him and became angry, so angry that she decided to escalate her adulterous relationship with the local crystal meth dealer Cole (Michael Stadvec). It's at this point that the movie becomes iffy.

Somewhere between McKenna's eventual transformation into the evil-fighting Native American superhero the Raven, both she and Nora are killed but revived by the Crescent talisman McKenna wears around her neck. While this was the first of the trials necessary to become the Raven (the worst of them a nine-hour session where you must hang from your arms in the cold night air...so much worse than dying, I suppose), Nora took the path of evil--the path of the Wolf. Somehow, she receives special powers, but becomes ten times sluttier than she was before. Nora soon puts herself at the mercy of the Route 33 serial killer, only to kill him and bathe in his blood. She enjoyed the bath and decides to do the same to McKenna.
Luckily, McKenna has finished her transformation into the Raven. She now has powers like bending space and time, heightened senses and the ability to heal with the power of love (a very appropriate skill: if anyone can heal with the power of lovin', it'd be a porn star). She cobbles together a superhero costume out of her sister's closet: a skintight white bodysuit with spiked chrome gauntlets and greaves, with a grated chrome faceplate to match. I see why Emma ran around in the woods with just lingerie on. She had no decent clothes. Speaking of poor choices in clothing, both Nora the Wolf and McKenna the Raven square off in a battle to the death for the souls of mankind in a local back alley.
McKenna wins, becomes Guardian of the Crescent, rides off into the sunset with the sheriff, THE END, THANK GOD.

This movie was absolutely horrible. It had no direct basis in Native American myths (although the references to elements and ravens were enough for the filmmakers) or Native American peoples (there are three Native American characters and only one is a Native American; the others are Caucasians from Ohio and California). I wasn't looking at this as a cultural representation of all Indigenous Americans, I just wished that the casting director had been more realistic by hiring more American Indians. If Mel Gibson could find people to play Meso-Americans in Apocaplyto, actual Naive Americans could have been found for this crapfest.  for They could have also written a story based less on reality and incorporated the wacky mythology of the Raven into a fantasy world, where White Native Americans are easily accepted. In either case, the movie's output (and my review score) could not have been completed without the most wonderful scene in the whole production: the milk bath/sex scene.
The milk bath/sex scene started with the proper innuendo. McKenna, wearing white, goes overboard on the drinking milk and spills it all over shirt and onto her fake boobs... and the sheriff. The sheriff, like any dedicated yet philandering lawman, is intrigued and goes in to investigate. Soon they're having sex in McKenna's room and puting out all the candles with milk, milk and more milk. Spilled, poured and splashed all over McKenna's taut and sculpted tan body, I truly think that this is some of Ms. Electra's finest work, with her prior soft core porn a close second. I dare you to disagree.

It is in this vein that I can honestly say that The Chosen One: Legend of the Raven really shines. All other things in this 'action' movie--even the funny parts--pale in comparison. Just as pale as a paleface playing a Native American.

Video Game Review - Wild ARMs (1997 - Sony Playstation)

I consider myself open minded about video games and movies. When I look back on some of the games I've played (Final Fantasy Tactics, SaGa Frontier) and the movies that I've seen (Falling Down, Manos: the Hands of Fate), Im proud to say that I've done a great service to the world. That service being the idea of looking at a bad video game or movie and rating it properly. Sometimes I find a gem in the sewage of the bad movies.  Other times I'll find the experience of a game to be far better than the game itself. This is one of those games.

Wild ARMs is an RPG that is considered innovative. It may be considered innovative because of the ability to switch characters and move them independently of each other, but I doubt that would over shadow the main reason why this game is a note in RPG history: it's a western.
Not the first RPG with a western theme (Oregon Trail, anyone?), Wild ARMs takes a lead from the TV show "Wild Wild West" but in the way that only an anime-influenced game could. This leads us to our three heroes.

• Rudy Roughnight - A young blue-haired boy with the amazing ability to use ARMs (read: guns). There's some mystical bullshit about who can and can't use ARMs (plot point). This kid'll be your main guy for a while & he's generally considered the hero.
• Jack - A treasure hunter whose intro owes a lot to Raiders of the Lost Ark and Benny Hill chase scenes. He's also a master swordsman, whose skill is a "Quick Draw" (??). Very suave and very dependable in a fight.
• Cecilia - She's some magic chick. She can heal and stuff, just like every "staff chick". She's also the only one who can use Summon skill. She's a prototype version of Final Fantasy X's Yuna, but not as well known.

Wild ARMs' mild popularity owes a lot to its predecessor, Final Fantasy VII. There are many instances where a story element will draw a parallel to FF7. Summon stones are one; fighting the final boss in a weird dimension is another. The game's main protagonist has a gay first name and a manly last name, per the Squaresoft fashion. You'll even have to fight large machines of elemental origin, akin to the Weapons in FF7. The game does have original points, however.
First is the fact that the Summons can be enhanced. This was before the leveling up of Guardian Forces in Final Fantasy VIII was made necessary (much less, made). The enhancement of the Summon skill used on an equipped Summon stone could not only do double damage but also provide a better summon animation.  Second is the personal vehicle of travel. It's much better than the Highwind, but its drawback is the need to find an engine component in order to completely explore the known world. Strangely enough, Cowboy Bebop's Swordfish airplane may be borrowing from the design of the transport.
Third on the list is an action that shocked me to the core. I never thought that an RPG hero would go that far to save the world, but I was wrong. There was a reason why it happened, and I don't think any RPG can top that. To tell you what it is would destroy the whole shock value of the act, and I believe that everyone should experience it.
Music in this game is superb, and has 1960s influences. Of particular note, the Map Screen music is a reprise of "The Ecstacy of Gold" from Enrico Morricone's soundtrack to The Good, the Bad & the Ugly. While the music is great, the graphics needed work. These two factors canceled each other out, leaving me with the experience to decide the rating.
 
I'll have to give Wild ARMs a 6, because it was only alright then. The "shocking action" is the kicker that put it up to 6 in the first place.  The game has since been remade into Wild ARMs: Alter Code F, with better graphics, for the PlayStation 2.  I have no idea what Alter Code F means, as I haven't played it.

RATING: 6/10

VERY VERY SORRY

Hey all,

Been distracted with so many things not coming to fruition, that I was not able to update for July 15th.  Will post double on 8/1, chapters 3 and 4.  Will also make an effort to post some more movie reviews.

Cordoba Chronicles IV: Chapter 3

RASHAD awoke a little sore from the previous day’s work. “Work all day” is right. He worked his arm around to knock out the kinks he felt and hopped into his boots to greet the new day. Making his way to the water closet, he looked over the banister to the ground floor, which held the dining area. It contained most of the guests he had seen upon coming to the Stonesthrow Inn, eating a late breakfast. Rashad took care of his business in the water closet and went downstairs to get his hands on some food.

That’s when he saw her again. Rashad hadn’t had a chance to thank the girl for her help in getting a job. He looked himself over to make sure that he wasn’t a complete mess, and walked over to greet—

“Inia,” he said. “Hello again.” 

The girl looked up from her thoughts as she sat at a table near he door. Her face split into a big smile as she said, “Hey, it’s you. How are you?” 

“I’m good. Listen,” he started, “I wanted to thank you for assisting me with getting a job yesterday. You have no idea how much I needed the work.”

Inia regarded him with a slight squint and said, “It’s all grand, uh…” 

“Rashad,” he said. “So what brings you to the Stonesthrow?” 

“I’m trying to kill some time before my job interview,” she said in a serious tone. 

“Well, good luck to you today in getting that job. From the way it looks, it seems kind of hard to get decent work in this town,” Rashad said. 

“Yeah,” Inia agreed. 

“I’ve got to get to my job, so until we meet again, eh?” 

She forced a smile and said, “Right.” 

Rashad turned and walked out the dual doors of the Stonesthrow Inn. He headed north for the construction site, noting the crowd gathered about the stable wall again. He felt fortunate to have a job in this town, where not even the townsfolk have guaranteed jobs. Rashad wondered how it could’ve gotten to this point, and then thought better of it. 

The gate opened easily as Rashad pulled the gate aside. He looked about and saw Barcrab the Enigman lifting some slate rock and stopped him. “What’s the order today, Barcrab?” 

“CHECK WITH THE BOSS” he rumbled through his mandibles. 

“Thanks,” Rashad said as the Enigman stomped away. Moving on to the foreman’s tent, he heard a rattling cough and slight murmuring coming from behind the flap. He pushed aside the flap to see Jollum on his knees praying. “Sir,” Rashad asked, “everything alright?” 

Jollum coughed in surprise, sending a bit of spittle onto the floor. Covering his mouth, he rose to meet the newest worker. “I’m sorry,” he forced, “I didn’t hear you come in.” 

“All apologies, Jollum,” Rashad said as he started to exit. “I’ll leave you to your prayers.” 

“No, no, lad. You came to my tent to ask me something. What is it?” 

Rashad proceeded to ask about the next thing he’s supposed to do and the foreman replied, “Go help that Halfling Cyan dig some more pylon pits. He’ll need the help as we’ve been told to add another section to the building.” 

“Aye, sir,” Rashad replied. He turned outside of the flap and made his way to the back of the site, where he found Cyan.

Cyan stood six-foot-two with a full head of dark green hair, cropped short on the sides. When Rashad saw him inside the pylon pit from a distance, his hair resembled a shifting patch of grass against the lip of the hole. The new worker grabbed a nearby shovel and walked up to the edge, kicking dirt down onto Cyan’s head and stated, “Hey. Jollum said to help you.” 

Looking up, the scowl on Cyan’s face twisted his horseshoe mustache was unmistakable. After a quick apology from Rashad, Cyan replied, “Alright, get on down here then.” Hopping down with his shovel, Rashad landed on two dirt pails. The contents spilled over onto Cyan’s digging area. The Halfling looked down and then looked back at the new guy, saying, “What the bloody – ey, what are you doing?” 

Cyan walked over to Rashad and the dirt pails and said, “Is this your idea of help?” He lifted the empty dirt pails with sweaty, corded arms and said, “Look, here’s how you’re gonna help me. Go over to where you spilled the dirt and fill those pails. When you’re done with that, go get rid of the dirt in both pails. You come back; you do it again. Alright?” Having no choice but to agree, Rashad started to fill the pails as Cyan watched. As he hefted the pails, he noticed that the walls of the pit were steep. 

“How am I supposed to get out of here with these pails?” Rashad asked.

Cyan laughed, saying, “You’ll figure it out, new guy.”

Rashad didn’t know why this guy was giving him such a hard time, but he took it in stride. He lifted each of the pails up to the lip of the pit and pushed them aside to make room for himself. As he began to pull himself up from the hole, he was hit with clods of dirt from Cyan’s shovel. Rashad kept reminding himself that he needed to eat as he got to his feet and went to dump the excess dirt. He found the wastepile, over where Wyle was hanging from a rafter and nailing into a support beam. The carpenter pulled away from his work, asking, “What happened to you, new guy?” 

“Nothing,” Rashad said. “Just diggin’ a hole with Cyan. That’s all.” 

“That ain’t all,” Wyle shot back. “Look, man. Cyan gives everyone a hard time, even the boss. Just give him some time to get used to you, alright?” 

“Alright,” Rashad agreed as he emptied the two pails. He turned and asked the carpenter: “But why does he have to be such a jerk?” 

Wyle shrugged his shoulders, an act made stranger by his hanging from the support beam, and said, “I don’t know; that’s just how he is. Don’t worry, …uh, Rashad. It’ll all work out in the end.” He clapped a reassuring hand on Rashad’s shoulder, sending up a cloud of dust. Rashad turned away from the dust and thanked Wyle. “No problem, new guy,” the carpenter replied as Rashad went back to the pit. As he passed through the site, his eyes caught a glimpse of a blue cloak outside the front gate. It was Inia, leaving the Stonesthrow Inn and headed for a building across the street. Thinking of the interview she was about to take, Rashad hoped that her job wouldn’t be nearly as frustrating as his own.

Movie Review - Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon (2011)

The third installment of the Michael Bay franchise based off the Hasbro property of the 1980s, Transformers almost wore out its welcome when it was announced to me.  OK, moon landing was a cover-up, trapped Transformers on the Moon, yadda yadda yadda.  What does the story have to deal with? More slow-motion? More Optimus Prime dying for no reason other than the fact he can come back? More blue and orange cluttered with lens flares?  Not only that, but something I've never seen in a Transformers cartoon episode that I can recall: a bona-fide Cybertronian invasion.

Yes, the Decepticons finally get it right and attempt to take over Earth, starting with Detroit or Chicago, and attempt to bring the entire host of Cybertron over to Earth. The only ones who can stop them are the Autobots and their human allies, the most prominent of their number not doing so well...relatively speaking.

Sam Witwicky (reprised by 'actor' Shia Lebouf) is out of college--paid for by the U.S. Government as reward for saving the planet TWICE--but chronically unemployed.  His new girlfriend Carly (played by Victoria Secret underwear model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley) is gainfully employed and works for a rich guy, Dylan Gould (Patrick "McDreamy" Dempsey).  Feeling frustrated with interviews, threatened by a possible rival, and unappreciated by the world, Sam tries very hard to get along without his giant robot friends--Bumblebee in particular.  Though there would be no movie with only Autobots; what of the Decepticons that survived the Fallen's...fall?
It would seem Megatron went into hiding in the African savanna, along with Starscream, Soundwave, and a curiously verbal Laserbeak. His new plan requires the Autobots to do his bidding--yes I know it sounds strange, as Autobots usually have a sixth sense about Decepticon plans--and the plan goes off without a hitch, introducing us to Optimus Prime's predecessor, Sentinel Prime.
Sentinel Prime (voiced by a briefly out-of-retirement Leonard Nimoy) meets with Optimus and they team up to handle the Decepticons as much as possible, but eventually things change and the Decepticon plan goes into effect.  It's up to the members of NEST--human members of the Earth-Autobot alliance task force--to handle the outcome. Tyrese Gibson and Josh Duhamel make appearances and help win the day.

Concerning the invasion, they might have been cribbing from the 2005 version of War of the Worlds, some of Battle: Los Angeles, and just a smidge from September 11th footage.  I will say this: they got it right.  It was the footage of the invasion that made me want to see this film.  Seeing it in 3D is not a good idea, as your eyes will hurt afterward.

Video Game Review - PaRappa the Rapper (1997 - Sony Playstation)

 *INTRODUCTION*

Once upon a time, there was a thing called hip-hop. Hip-hop was good, because it did not infringe upon the world at large with sappy pop hooks or massive metal guitar riffs. It was also good due to the fact that it appealed to the ethnic inner-city massives who took it as their own thing, not to be mistaken for pop music. And then the world began to incorrectly link hip-hop with not only people of color, but inner city crime as well. With a triad of trouble afoot, the Man sought a way to squash hip-hop. Through the interference of record companies, hip-hop was spliced into the parent and its offspring Rap. 

 

Rap didn't heed the word of the elder Hip-hop and began to talk about that which needed no conscious mouthpiece: the commission of crime. Thus began the rift between what was Hip-hop and what was Rap.

Things went from bad (meaning bad, not bad meaning good) to worse in the coming years, with the 1992 Los Angeles Riots highlighting the need for a stronger, pointed message than the words of the forefathers. Enter "Gangsta Rap", a form of Rap that's like a cigarette without the filter. It was misogynistic, homophobic, materialistic and ill-planned as a way to discourage violence and crime through overexposure. All the hatred spit out in rhyming prose to a sweet baseline from the days of our grandfathers was aimed in the general direction of their perceived enemy of White America. The sad thing is that Gangsta Rap behaved like the gangsta's attack of choice, the drive-by shooting: it had a habit of hitting unintended targets. The unintended targets: the children of White America.

It's unknown whether the children of White America were being used as pawns against their parents or if it was a mistake in getting through to them instead of the parents. While some members of the Rap community would take steps to have their life imitate their art, White America was listening and was more than happy to make it a part of their daily newscast. And suddenly, Rap became cool for everyone... but for all the wrong reasons. The gates to what makes Rap tick were opened and now there's other offensive strings of Rap (see: Nerdcore, Rap-Rock.) Who could have known that Rap would grow into the abomination we hear and praise so often? Only Hip-hop did, and it tried to come back and claim its moral grounds. Unfortunately Rap had a stranglehold on beats and rhymes in their origin country of the United states, forcing Hip-hop to find greener pastures in foreign lands.

Hip-hop has flourished in other countries like Germany, France, the United Kingdom and has done especially well in places like Canada and even the Arab country of Yemen (where the only acceptable music is drumbeats and the word is king). Of these countries, Japan stands out because it has the wackiness to inject humor into a socially conscious medium without degrading it. Rap and Hip-hop are fighting over control of the Land of the Rising Sun, the details of which can be read in the

game context of the PlayStation game, PaRappa the Rapper.

-----------------------------------------------

In the game PaRappa the Rapper, you play the titular character PaRappa. He's a hip-hop dog who's in love with the local beauty named Sunny. She's a sunflower. In his effort to raise a band and impress the girl, he becomes involved in scenarios to reach his goal. While many of the activities in the scenarios are physically oriented, PaRappa's forte' is rappin' to the beat. Thus, the only way to complete the scenarios presented to the gamer is to rap to the preset beat markers in a timely manner. Failure to do so results in a poor rating, by which a satisfactory rating is rewquired to pass all scenarios. An added bonus to the scenarios is the freestyle option when your rappin' rating goes beyond "U Rappin' GREAT!" So long as you rap to the beat, you can rap what you feel for bonus points.

PaRappa the Rapper is an animated video game tale created by Rodney Alan Greenblatt, an American expatriate living in Japan. He is responsible for the artwork in PaRappa the Rapper, as well as the PaRappa spin-off game, Un-Jammer Lammy (a story about a ewe who dreams of rock-stardom). His ideas of merging music and story into an interactive experience has been duplicated in the more recent incarnation of the PS2 titles Gitaroo Man and Mad Maestro.

The feel of PaRappa the Rapper is a silly one, due to PaRappa's adventures involving an onion-headed Kung-Fu master (called Master Chop Chop), a chicken chef with her own TV show, a moose that works at the DMV and a materialistic Rastafarian frog (my personal favorite). All of these characters have their own flavor to them, making this game a distinctive if not singular experience. The extensive advertising behind PaRappa the Rapper was grand and it was featured on a PlayStation demo disc, as well as in several commercials featuring the characters spouting lines from scenarios: The Rastafarian frog says "In the rain or in the snow/Got the got the funky flow" and PaRappa's exclaim of faith in his rappin' abilities is "I Gotta Believe!" Despite the want from both quotes to be THE line from PaRappa the Rapper remembered, only Master Chop Chop's line of "Kick Punch/It's all in the mind" stands the test of fleeting interest.

The limited graphics and processing power of the PlayStation are the only limits to the original PaRappa the Rapper reaching the maximum score allowable, so this game gets a rating of 9.

RATING: 9/10

Movie Review - Flash Gordon (1980)

This is a review that has been long overdue. I have seen this movie countless times and I always leave the movie feeling good. Given the eff'd up circumstances of the month prior to writing this review, I'll probably watch it again tonight. I love this movie so much, I own the VHS copy and the 'Savior of the Universe' edition DVD.  So, prying questions asides, I bring you my review of the movie Flash Gordon.
Based on the 1934 serial cartoon strip by Alex Raymond, It was kinda like Prince Valiant...INNNNNN SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE! But not really.  The comic has been re-imagined as a film serial in the 1930's, a TV show in the 1950's, a cartoon in the early 1980's and again in the mid-1990's, and a live-action show was produced in 2008 to poor reviews.  But we're not here to talk about that other crap, we're here for the movie. The 1980 release was--at the time--considered to be one of the most lavish and expensive movies made, not to mention the most beautiful. There was no skimping on anything and it was a grand attempt from one of the greatest producers that ever was:

...wait for it...

DINO DE LAURENTIIS!

Yes, the late Dino de Laurentiis (not a typo, I assure you there's two 'I's in his last name): the Italian man who brought us the film adaptation of Robert E. Howard's Conan the Barbarian, its sequel Conan the Destroyer, King Kong Lives, Danger! Diabolik and Barbarella.

Flash Gordon has an edge over most movies due to the fact that its theme is sung by the British rock band Queen. "Highlander" Queen. This rock band is responsible for the memorable theme song that plays in the back at the intro using Alex Raymond's drawings. The theme is sooooo good, and that's just the first song you hear. Anytime something kick-ass happens, expect to hear "FLASH! AAA-AHHHHHHHH!!" and possibly a synthesizer effect that sounds like wang whanng...

No more shall I dwell on how awesome this movie is: Reviewin' time!
OK, so the movie starts with Emperor Ming the Merciless of Mongo (Max Von Sydow) and his advisor/Chief of Secret Police Klytus (Peter Wyngarde) looking at the Earth and plaguing it with natural disasters left & right. Stock footage abound. Some of this stock footage called "HOT HAIL", attacks a private plane headed away from the wooded resort of Dark Harbor, containing the famous New York Jets QB "Flash" Gordon (Sam J. Jones) and Dale Arden, random reporter (Melody Anderson). The plane crash-lands in the lab of the exiled scientist Dr. Hans Zarkov (Topov). Dr. Zarkov says he's got a plan to stop the attack(?!) on Earth and he needs some volunteers. Flash & Dale pass on it, but change their minds when the scientist pulls a gun on them. He forces them into his rocket and they are launched into space to combat this attack. It's too bad the G-forces rendered them unconscious.
The rocket containing the trio is sucked into a wormhole and spit out on the planet Mongo. Soldiers are sent out to capture the adventurers and bring them to Ming, ruler of all Mongo and, by default, the universe.

Flash 'nem (read: "and them") end up in the throne room amidst a tribute ceremony. The scene is lavish and everyone is wearing sparkly stuff. The color scheme is mostly red, debunking the idea that silver is the color of the future. Ming, seated at his throne, is flanked by Klytus and his ultra-horny daughter Princess Aura (Ornella Muti). The earthlings are made to introduce them selves and Flash speaks up, to our entertainment with the following line:

FLASH
(in angry tone)
Flash Gordon. Quarterback, New York Jets.

That line is merely the tip of the iceberg because the ridiculo-meter goes off the scale when Flash plays improv football in order to save Dale from the hypnotic clutches of Ming. Eventually, he is caught and sentenced to death. For being there, Ming also sentences Dr. Zarkov to be mindwiped and turned into an agent of Mongol. Dale got the worst sentence of all: Ming wants her to be his wife. Which bring us to that cliffhanger question: WHAT WILL  BECOME OF OUR HEROES?

Real quick: Flash Gordon dies in the gas chamber. Oops.
While that does happen, Flash is brought back to life by Princess Aura and "mentally stimulated" (you'll have to watch) on the way to Arboria, the homeworld of Lord Barrin (Timothy Dalton [aka James Bond #4]), her lover--hey, there may be a conflict of interests here...
Sure enough, Barrin tries to kill Flash twice and fails. TWICE. Somehow, Flash and Barrin are captured by Hawkmen during Barrin's second failed attempt.
At the Hawkmen's Air Fortress, ruled by Lord Vultan (Brian Blessed), Flash finds both Dale and Zarkov, who managed to fend off the mindwipe procedure br remembering Beatles lyrics and escaped Ming's castle with Dale and were intercepted by Vultan's Hawkmen. They also find out that it's a doube-cross! Turns out Klytus followed Dale & Zarkov to the Air Fortress. Vultan was not willing to give up our heroes, but he had no choice but to get his people to safety and leave them out to Ming. Per his style, Ming took Barrin, Dale and Zarkov prisoner. Ming decided to leave Flash inside...to his DOOOOOOM (mwahahahaha) as his battle-cruiser destroyed the Air Fortress.
Conveniently enough there was a rocket cycle lying about and Flash escaped. As he soared thru alien skies to Mongol, he contacted Vultan (he and his people made it safe to Arboria) and asked for assistance. Vultan was ready to go and rallied his men to an ion cloud. Somehow, Flash was picked up on Mongo radar and sent out War-Rocket Ajax to capture him, dead or alive. While that order was given, Aura was tortured for her treachery and Dale was prepared for...the wedding.
Flash led WR Ajax into the cloud and when it emerged, it was set upon by Hawkmen in the most beautiful battle I've ever seen. Eventually, Flash & Vultan took control of the ship and find a counter that is supposed to be connected to the death-ray aimed at Earth. The Earth will be destroyed as a wedding gift to Dale! As Flash stays on the ship to get to the wedding, Barrin and Zarkov are set free by an escaped Aura and they set to deactivating the deathray and the city defenses. Just as the wedding is about to be made final, Flash comes in with the ship and rams it into the throne room, impaling Ming.
Flash gets out and Ming tries to fight back using his power ring, but it backfires. The threat is called off by a floating machine that spouts this line:

GOLDEN ARBITOR
Hail Flash! You have saved your Earth. Have a nice day!

The end is so cheery and great, it's what makes me like sci-fi/adventure so much. All is set right: Barrin becomes the Emperor (over the Emperor's daughter...?), Vultan is promoted to general of the armies of Mongo, and everyone is rescued from the tyranny of Ming. Flash, Dale and Zarkov decide to stay and live in Mongo. Just after the Hawkmen skywrite "THANKS FLASH" in the skies of Mongo, the camera turns to the ground to look at Ming's power ring...and the hand that seizes it...

T H E  E N D?

Video Game Review - Gunstar Heroes (1993 - Sega Genesis)

I've had many people say that I have the speech mannerisms of a psychologist. With that in mind, I'm going to do some word association with myself. Here we go.

Day. ...night.

Ham. ...burger.

Surf. ...er dude.

Car. ...wheel

Gun. ...star Heroes.

When all the associations were made, one conclusion was clear: Gunstar Heroes is the greatest game out there for the Sega Genesis.

On the planet Gunstar 9, home of the family Gunstar, trouble was afoot. Some crazy-ass space monster was menacing the planet! White Gunstar, patriarch of the Gunstar clan, sent out fighters to deal with the incoming threat. The twin brothers Red and Blue Gunstar headed to the disturbance on foot, while the older Green traveled to the site in his transforming platform, Seven Force. The mission went wrong somehow and not only did Green become evil, but several other members of the Gunstar family have gone rogue under the command of Commander Crimson (he looks like M. Bison from Street Fighter) Crimson's using the robot armies of Gunstar 9 to wipe the Gunstar clan off the planet and take the space monster's power for himself! The fuck is a nigga supposed to do?

One thing left TO do: buck shots.

Gunstar Heroes is what I like to call "Contra on crack." The game moves at a fast pace, with tons of baddies to shoot and bosses that don't hold back. They fight you with style and force. No cheating-ass tactics, these guys. The music's great and and you can combine two separate special weapons to create a better special weapon. What makes the game even better is the fact that when you choose a specific character (either Gunstar Red or Gunstar Blue) that each player has a deficiency in their game play. One guy has better hand-to-hand techniques, but he can only shoot while standing still and the other can shoot on the run but only do minimal hand-to-hand damage. These little design flaws are what make a 2-player game better than a 1-player deal: you HAVE to work together to win. To bring it to the present, such a tactic is employed in the GameCube RPG Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles. But who wants to carry around a jug of water when you can save the galaxy!

There are many people who have not played Gunstar Heroes, and it shows when you mention the game. Their eyes are dull when the words finish and still they choose to be lost in supers, specials and combos. For the legion of people whose eyes flare with a gem-like flame when mention of the Gunstar family makes it into a conversation, you can agree with me when I give Gunstar Heroes for the Sega Genesis very high marks.

RATING: 10/10

Movie Review - 2009: Lost Memories (2002)

I remember back in 2005 while scanning the aisles for the Zorro sequel and sundry other movies, I found this foreign film.  It was telling when I did not say "seen it", "own it" or "LAME" at 2009: Lost Memories--a movie I had never heard of before. I write this review in 2011, two years after the events were to take place in the film, and I can say that this movie is proof as to why you never date your films in the title.  Then again, this is an Asian movie, and the thinking of its people is most evident in their film-making.

The Japanese are a different breed of thinker as a result of being isolated on an island and from their World War II involvement in China and Korea. This has led to many a weird, bloody movie (Audition, Ichi the Killer, Tetsuo the Iron Man, The Locker) and movies on the opposite end of the spectrum (StereoFuture, Samurai Fiction, Tampopo, Dreams). Imagine if such a Japan did not exist: no major loss to nuclear weapons, no crazy movies...no Korean War. Such a world exists in the alternate version of 2009, but a terrorist group called the Fureisenjin seeks to change that by stealing an artifact called the "Lunar Soul" from the Inoue Foundation. Luckily, two agents of the Japanese Bureau of Investigation (JBI) are on the case.
Best friends and JBI agents Sakamoto (Dong-Kun Jang) and Saigo (Tohru Nakamura) stop the theft of the Lunar Soul and find out that the Inoue Foundation is hiding... something... about the case. In order to solve the case, Sakamoto digs deep and finds himself confronted with the female leader of the Fureisenjin, Hye-Rin Oh (Jin-ho Seo)--a woman that haunts his dreams before he's even met her.
Presented with contradictory events of history from the turn of the 20th Century on, Sakamoto begins to see a puzzle in which he is but a small piece. When all the pieces of the puzzle come together, the solution is a world-shattering one for both Sakamoto and Saigo, tearing apart a friendship and forcing a battle for the fate of the land and people of Korea.

Now, I've seen good Japanese action/sci-fi and I've seen bad Japanese action/sci-fi. This movie breaks the mold in Japanese action/sci-fi in that it's actually a Korean production. The last Korean movie I watched was The Good, The Bad, The Weird, only because the cover looked interesting. Now I feel comfortable enough to watch a Korean film because their film industry is capable of masterpieces like this. This officially makes up for Yonggary and the English dub of Volcano High, so thank you Korea. You are forgiven and blessed.